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In LOVE with my purple pill….
On January 30th, 2010 I took my first dose of Wellbutrin (well, the generic form, Bupropion). My doctor recommended that I start with 150mg once a day. This dose only lasts 12 hours. One of the side effects of Wellbutrin is insomnia, so I only take one pill in the morning so I am able to sleep at night. I am still taking 15mg of Paxil daily, and since Paxil lasts 24 hours, I am covered 24/7.
This little purple pill has completely turned my life upside down and Tareak wonders what happened to his wife. I have energy. I get tons done every day. I have motivation. I talk a lot more. And best of all, I don’t feel depressed! Tareak has only ever known the placid and emotionless Leslie, and now he is having a hard time keeping up with me! NEVER, in a million years did I think this was possible.
I am kicking myself for waiting so long to try this medication. I feel like I wasted the last 4 years of my life and now I can’t get them back. I guess with all the extra energy I have I’ll just have to make up for lost time! Time to go get to work…….
Medication Update
Throughout the year of 2009 I took several different vitamins and supplements. I began taking many of them during Spring, when the sun was coming out more often. Because of the timing I was never sure if it was the sun or the medications that were making me feel better.
I was taking the following daily to help with depression:
Vitamin C- 1000 mg
Vitamin D- 1000 iu
Fish Oil- 2000 mg
The sun has now hidden itself away until next year, and so I hesitantly decided to do an experiment. I am still taking 15mg daily of Paxil, but as of 3 weeks ago I have stopped taking everything else. Tareak and I haven’t noticed any changes in mood or behavior. As much as I’d like to think they were helping, it seems as though they weren’t doing much.
About three months ago I started taking 2000 mg daily of N-acetylcysteine, for trichotillomania. Unfortunately I didn’t notice any changes or improvements in my trichotillomania. I was very hopeful that it would be the breakthrough I needed, but considering there is no cure for trichotillomania to date, I’m not surprised that it didn’t help.
I plan to start seeing a counselor early next year and may try switching to or adding Wellbutrin. My depression is currently under control, but I still feel like I am just “surviving”, and not really living.
History of Codependence
I was looking through old journals last night and came across a poem I wrote back in 2004. I have probably written about 3 poems in my whole life and in no way consider myself a poet, but I thought I needed to share it:
“Can’t Let Go”
I gain nothing from this but hurt and pain
so why do I feel the need to remain?
I want to be free from the ties that bind
But am afraid of what I then will find.
A reality that I have been abused
By willing letting myself be used.
I have given it my all, & they have confided,
But now I am alone & it was all one-sided.
I can see now how often I was disrespected,
Pushed aside and even neglected.
I thought I was helping and we had a connection,
But I can see it wasn’t so, upon reflection.
Now I am stuck & not even in control
And reality has started to take it’s toll.
Treated as un-important, this I know,
So I don’t understand why I can’t let go.
-Leslie- 11/11/2004
After reading the poem, I realized that before I even knew the word “Codependence” existed, I was aware that I was suffering unnecessarily. It is no wonder that I have struggled with depression my whole life. At some subconscious level I always knew that I wasn’t in healthy relationships and was allowing myself to be treated without respect. How can someone feel good about themselves when they know they are acting destructively? For this reason I feel it is important for me to develop a better sense of self-worth and work on overcoming my codependence so I will be in a better position to handle coping with my depression.
N-acetylcysteine
A few weeks ago Tareak came across an article describing a treatment for Trichotillomania. Currently there is no cure for Trichotillomania, but there are some different ways it can be managed.
This article described a small study done with 50 people. They used an over-the-counter antioxidant called N-acetylcysteine to assist in the treatment of trichotillomania symptoms. There was an over 50% success rate in comparison to the 16% success rate in the group receiving the placebo. N-acetylcysteine (abbreviated NAC), is a pharmaceutical drug used mainly as a Mucolytic agent and in the management of paracetamol (acetaminophen) overdose, but it has shown to be somewhat effective in treating OCD and is undergoing clinical trials.
The article “theorizes that trichotillomania may be a kind of grooming irregularity that falls into the obsessive-compulsive family of disorders. “Some parrots pull out all their feathers,” he says. “Some mice pull out all their fur.”"
“That may explain why the antioxidant N-acetylcysteine can help prevent it. The compound is thought to work by reducing the synaptic release of a neurotransmitter called glutamate. As Grant told me, glutamate is the communication chemical that “tells the brain, ‘Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!’ And the rest of the brain can be overwhelmed by this drive state.” Reduce glutamate and you may reduce the drive state. Previous studies have suggested the supplement may also reduce urges to use cocaine and to gamble.”
My trichotillomania symptoms had been getting worse since getting a puppy. My stress levels have been considerably higher and I’ve been functioning on less sleep. About 2 weeks ago Tareak and I picked up some NAC and I’ve been taking it daily. I probably won’t notice any difference for another couple months, but hopefully it will help!