Depressed Les» Leslie

Twenty-Nine

Leslie — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 08:45:18 +0000

Today is my 29th birthday. I’ve always loved birthdays- they are kinda a big deal to me. I remember turning 10 and being freaked out about how old I was now that my age was in the “double digits”. 13- I was a teenager. 16- Being old enough to drive. 20- No longer being a teenager. 25- The scales tipping me closer to 30, than 20. The next big birthday was supposed to be the big Three-Oh.

Turning 29 is having an unexpected effect on me. I have this overwhelming sense of anxiety and urgency. I feel like I’m so far behind where a “normal” 29 year old should be. The driving force is the fact that I don’t have any kids and am not pregnant. Because Tareak wants children so badly I’ve felt like a ticking time bomb since the moment we got married. Unfortunately for Tareak I have an expiration date. I can’t take all the time I need to figure out my issues with having children. I have a deadline, and that deadline is quickly approaching.

I lowered my dose of Paxil last month to 10mg. 10mg of Paxil doesn’t really do much, I’ve just been trying to ween myself off. I wish I could say that the decrease of dosage didn’t have any effect on me, but my trichotillomania has increased (Paxil is often prescribed to treat trichotillomania) and I have had several minor panic attacks.

I am to the point where if I look 30 years in the future I want to have children be a part of that future. It is frustrating to not feel like I am capable of making that happen. It is even more frustrating to celebrate a birthday, that in the birthday world shouldn’t be that big of a deal, and not feel like I have anything to celebrate. It is only a reminder of how quickly time is slipping away and how far I am from where I want to be.

Marriage + Depression + Moving = A Total Disaster

Leslie — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 07:37:44 +0000

2011 has been an emotional roller-coaster. Tareak and I were so excited to move to Atlanta and settle into some new routines. We were excited for a change of scenery. We were excited to get into real estate. We were excited to move out of the room above the garage at my parent’s house!

Our almost 3000 mile drive to Atlanta with 2 dogs wasn’t as bad as we anticipated it would be. We almost died once, but other than that it was smooth sailing. Upon arriving in Atlanta the biggest snowstorm in recent history struck. Under normal circumstances this would have been fun and exciting for me. We had an air mattress (thankfully) and a couple of blankets to sustain us in our rental house for a WEEK! We were snowed into the house and our POD was stranded due to the storm. I should have known that this was an omen of bad things to come.

Unfortunately things only went downhill from this point. My depression was increasing and this was creating a huge strain in our marriage. Tareak was stressed with his new job and was gone 15+ hours/day. He felt bad leaving me home, without a car, in my depressed state, but there weren’t many options available to us. We realized that unlike a lot of couples, we get along best when we spend every waking hour together. We were spending about 1/2 hr together each day and somehow managed to argue more than we had during our entire marriage combined. For the first time we were seriously considering separation.

To make a really long story short, we left Atlanta after being there 2 months and got back in the car and drove 3000 miles back to Washington state. Some would say we didn’t give Atlanta a chance. Some would say we shouldn’t have gone in the first place. We did the only thing we could do to save our marriage. The moral of the story, “DO NOT MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH A DEPRESSED SPOUSE IF YOU DON’T HAVE A SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE”. Moving is stressful for anyone, but for someone who suffers from depression it can be a breaking point.

Looking back (isn’t hindsight great?), I think we could have made the big move work with a few minor changes.
1- Put a support system into place before you even move. Your spouse will be your #1 support person, and they need to understand and accept this. It is easy to tell yourself, “I’ll be fine.” I was excited about the move and so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. I needed human interaction. I was depressed; I wasn’t going to go and try to make friends with the neighbors. I didn’t even want to answer my phone. Ask friends and family to call and check up on you on a regular basis. Then have your spouse follow up with them to make sure the phone calls are happening. While I might not have wanted to answer the phone once I went into a depressed state, I would have felt obligated because I was the one that asked for help in the first place.
2- Get settled before starting the new job. Because Tareak was working such long hours, we didn’t have time to do much of anything. In an ideal world I could have set up utilities, etc… while he was at work, but my anxiety (especially about phone calls) made me pretty much useless. Unpack the basic necessities. Set up your bank account. Set up all your utilities. Change your vehicle registration. Buy a second car. Get new drivers licenses. Learn how to get to the grocery store. The list goes on and on, but you get the idea. None of these things were taken care of before Tareak started work and that created a lot of unnecessary stress and tension in our home.
3- Meet the locals. For someone with social anxiety this suggestion is laughable. I’m about as friendly and outgoing as a rock. I do however attend church weekly. This was extremely uncomfortable to do in a new environment surrounded by new people, but I made myself go. Did I talk to anyone at church? Not if I could help it. I did the best I could to sneak in and out without ever actually having to speak. We attended church about 1/2 dozen times in Atlanta and I will admit that near the end it wasn’t quite as scary and faces starting becoming familiar. In time I think I could have been more comfortable and maybe even made a friend.
4- Make sure you are both seeing and understanding the whole situation. The long hours Tareak was working came as a surprise to both of us. Had I known that he would be working such long hours I could have perhaps prepared myself better mentally. Because we weren’t spending a lot of time together, Tareak had no idea why he would come home to a depressed wife every day. He took my mental state personally and felt responsible for “fixing” me. It took a while for him to realize that the highlight of my day was when he got home from work and couldn’t understand why I’d get upset when he just wanted to sit in front of the TV and unwind. It took me a while to understand that he had been gone for 15 hours and to expect a happy peppy husband who was ready to conquer the huge list of “to-dos” wasn’t realistic.

Could we have made things work in Atlanta? I guess we’ll never know. In order to move back to Washington Tareak had to resign from his job and we are now living on our savings. But you know what? We have never been happier. I love having my best friend and support system around 24/7, and he is finally making the time to explore his entrepreneurial dreams and talents. Life is good…Finally.

I Moved Across the Country, and I’m Not Doing Well

Leslie — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 22:06:46 +0000

I’m not doing very well.
I thought I had mentally prepared for the move, and that part of it I was prepared for. I feel like I’ve coped and adjusted pretty well. I can survive living out of suitcases and boxes. In both Hawaii and Guatemala I had to live pretty minimalistically and I did just fine. In fact I’ve lived in a rather un-settled state for about 9 of the last 11 years. I can survive in unfamiliar territory with new customs, new surroundings, etc… There is one thing however that I didn’t anticipate. Loneliness.
I have always enjoyed being by myself and not being caught up in an active social life that consumes me. For this reason I thought I would be fine. I overlooked a couple of key facts. Once I left home and moved to Hawaii I had roommates. About 90% of the time I was home, there was always someone else there as well. I enjoyed the moments I had the house to myself and would clean and bake and just unwind. In 2005 I moved back home and lived with my family. Again, there were always people around.
In 2007 I got married. Tareak started a new job and was working LONG hours. It was the first time in my life I was alone. You’d think that by getting married you wouldn’t feel so lonely, but I felt lonelier than ever because he was working 12+ hours/day. He recognized I wasn’t doing well and got me my saving grace, Kaya. He swore he would never have a dog, at least not an inside dog, but seeing my need he put aside his concerns and got me a companion to be by my side (literally) while he was away. Over time his work schedule changed and instead of working such long hours, he worked crazy hours. He worked nights for a couple years and then worked weekends after that. Although the hours were anything but normal, they allowed him to spend a lot more time at home. We both enjoyed the time and could at least temporarily deal with the strange hours.
In 2010 we decided it was time for Tareak to pursue a different career and also that it was time to move. We packed up our things, sold our house and moved in with my parents for what was supposed to be a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks turned into a couple of months and 8 months later we were on our way to Atlanta. While staying with my parents Tareak was working on a special project at work. Many weeks the project required him to work 60+ hours/week, but most weeks required less than 20 hours. I loved the extra time I had with him.
Tareak has become my best friend, actually, my only friend. My many mental illnesses have caused me to withdraw from everyone, but he was always there, whether I liked it or not. When he works long hours I don’t do well alone. I sulk. I cry. I get angry with his company. I feel sorry for myself. I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself. Again, it is my dogs that keep me going. In the last 2 1/2 weeks that I’ve been in Atlanta I would not have gotten out of bed had it not been for my dogs. I hear them next to my bed whining because they are hungry or need to go outside. I feel guilty I’m not taking better care of them and know if I don’t get up to feed them, no one else is. They’ve become my sole purpose in life. But once their bellies are full and they have come back inside, then what? What is my purpose now?
Major life changes, whether for the good or bad, can be triggers for depression. When I got married and Tareak was working long hours, I tanked. It took several years and lots of learning to get me to a point where I felt mentally stable. Although this move to Atlanta was supposed to be a good thing, it has unfortunately thrust me back down even farther than I was before. I know I need a purpose other than feeding my dogs. I’ve thought about getting a part time job, but the idea scares me so much. Can I commit myself to being there for someone every day, no matter how I’m feeling? How long can I force myself to be responsible and reliable before I snap from the pressure?
It is obvious that adjusting to these new life changes is going to be an up-hill battle.

“Damned if you don’t”

Leslie — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 11:04:05 +0000

“What must I do to be damned? Nothing. That’s all. You’re damned–condemned– if you just sit still. That is the law of this physical world.

“If you sit still long enough, you’ll never get up again.  If you never lift your arm, you’ll soon be unable to raise it at all.  If you remain in darkness and never use your eyes, you’ll soon become blind.

“It is the law in the mental world, if you never exercise your brain– never read,  study, nor talk to anyone, never permit anyone to talk to you,  your mind will become blank– maybe you’ll become insane.

“The most horrible punishment that could be inflicted upon  you is not twenty years of hard labor, but twenty years of solitary confinement.

“It’s the law in the spiritual world, simply shut your heart to all truth,  and after a while you won’t be able to believe anything– that is the severest penalty for not accepting the truth.

“The process of disintegration and death begins when a man  shuts himself out from the forces that make for life.

“The body and mind and spirit are kept alive through constant constructive use.”

~Charles Steizle~

(Utah Labor News, December 12th, 1937)

I came across this quote today and it reminded me of depression. When in a depressed state you can’t do anything physical, mental or spiritual- you don’t even want to do anything. This beast of complete and all consuming inactivity takes over your life and there is only one way to escape, or at least begin to pry yourself free… and that is to do something, anything!

You don’t want to get out of bed. You want to be able to sleep and escape it all by just lying there and doing NOTHING, but by forcing yourself to get out of bed (which wouldn’t be considered an accomplishment by most) you feel a twinge of hope, hope that maybe today will be a good day.

I’ve learned that as long as I do ONE thing each day (some days it is as simple as taking a shower or playing with the dogs and other days I can manage to actually leave the house or do a load of laundry) I am able to stay somewhat sane. If I feel good after doing one thing that day, then I can decide if I’d like to do another, but if I don’t want to, that is OK. I’ve given myself permission to only do ONE thing each day, and anything else is a bonus.

I get overwhelmed so easily and this is why I have a hard time seeing myself as a mother one day. Right now it is okay if my “one thing” is to get in the shower. If I have a kid I’ll need to feed, bathe, dress, and play with them until I can escape while they take a nap. This is a whole lot more than “one thing”. This is why it was so hard for me to work and go to school. Work was one thing and school was another and some days I could only manage to do one of them, and some days none because I was so overwhelmed I had to “check out” of life.

So like Mr. Charles Steizle said, I’ll just keep on doing at least one thing every day so that I won’t be “damned” to the hell that is depression.