Author Archive for Tareak

Time Lines and Grandma’s

Well, I’ve come to accept that I can’t help Leslie by myself, so we been shopping for a therapist. So far we have only gone to see one therapist and I’m optimistic that we are on the right path.  This depression stuff has been so difficult for me to understand and the truth is I may never fully comprehend its effects simply because I tend not to suffer from such disorders. The therapist that we did see asked Leslie to compose a time line of her life and include positive experiences as well as negative ones that stand out.  It has been interesting to learn about some of these experiences as they have had such an enormous impact on her depression and other disorders.  I’m looking forward to going over her list with the therapist so we can identify solutions to removing some of these mental road blocks.

This week a family that we know needed help.  They asked Leslie if she would “babysit” their grandma who is completely blind, mostly deaf, and only speaks Spanish.  I told Leslie she should help them if she thought she could handle it mentally.  I new she would think that she couldn’t but at the same time I knew that she would want to help this family.  She agreed to taking care of this little grandma while the family had to take care of an emergency out of town.  I was at work encouraging her to do it.  It took every ounce of energy she had to take of this lady and I must say she did a fantastic job. I have noticed that her mood has been considerably better this week and she has been quite busy.  I’m going to have to find more people for her to help-  It might be great medicine.

Despair or not to despair

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me.  I have been working long hours and I often wonder what Leslie is doing with her time. She has a routine that doesn’t really involve anything too challenging and I think sometimes I’m way too easy on her.  I allow her to figure herself out on her own terms.  This technique has obviously failed and my world is falling apart.

My little plan was simple, we get married, Leslie weans herself of Paxil over the course of a year and we start our family.  Simple wright? Wrong. Two years later we are scrambling to try and figure out what we did wrong and how we should move forward with this family thing. I met Leslie when she was 22 and I was 27. Time is moving away from us and I’m a little anxious to be a dad, I’m not getting any younger.  Unfortunately this way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on Leslie which is a bad idea but that’s how I feel. What’s the solution?  Simple!  “Suck it up Tareak, because you know you can. Then dial in on a plan to help Leslie get healthy enough to start this family.” I want us to be excited not just me so its important for me to control my feelings and stick to an action plan that is different than the one we had over the last few years.  The biggest ingredient in this plan is patience and that will definitely be difficult for me.

We just have our second anniversary and overall I have loved the past 2 years.  Leslie has taught me a lot about myself and challenged me in so many ways, but most of all when I look in the mirror I see someone who has become a better man through being with her and having her influence my life.  I can only imagine the greater effect she will have on me when she learns to manage her depression and other issues better.

Baby Talk

A few days ago Leslie wanted to talk about starting our family. Of course I got a little excited at the prospect that she has figured out in her mind how to make it work.  She suggested that if we work with the doctors on a mix of medication during certain parts of the pregnancy, with the option of being fully medicated after the birth then she would feel more comfortable with the idea.  My job is to set up an appointment with the doctor who put Leslie on Paxil so we can figure out the best drug combination that will allow her to function while limiting the fetus exposure to harmful side effects.

This strategy requires some compromise that has been difficult for me, however the alternative is not that appealing to me right now either.  Things I would be compromising:  1- I really wanted Leslie to function independent of drugs.  2- By incorporating drugs into our family planning it will mean our children will be raised on formula instead of the brain nourishing good stuff that only mothers can make. This later one is really hard for me on a number of levels.  I truly believe that mothers milk is the greatest thing for babies and medically it is proven. I understand that some mothers cannot produce enough milk for their children or the baby may be lactose intolerant (like Leslie).  In these cases I think formula is a great alternative, however it seems in western countries the marketing machine has downgraded the natural process for passing immune strengthening milk and substituted it with a inferior product.  All of a sudden something that is best for the child is switched out with something that pales in comparison at a significant cost.  It’s complete craziness if you ask me, however in our situation where Leslie is more likely to be on medication after the birth of our children it would be unwise for her to feed them mothers milk due to the fact that the medication will be pasted on.  At the end of the day I may not have everything according to my ideal, BUT I will get a chance at being a dad and any sacrifice is worth it to me.

She got the Rose

I think its funny that Leslie asked me if she was on The Bachelor would I have given her the rose.  I might not have had an opportunity to scan through possible marriage candidates via an application process.  Or for that matter had them all try to impress me at the same time in addition to me impressing them with budget blowing dates.  After all the fancy dates are over and the contestants are reduced to one, the real reality sets in and unfortunately The Bachelor has not proven to be a place were lasting love can be found.  All I had was a willingness to work, a little money and a big dream.  What did she have to offer me …….?  Once you peel back the mental health issues and a dislike for dancing there is a person with unmeasurable intelligence and talent.  If I’m never able to help Leslie tap into it in this life I promise I will be tapping into it in the eternities.  I believe that each of us are literal spiritual off spring of a loving Father in Heaven  and were blessed with varying degrees of intelligence. What I offered to Leslie was a no frills eternal rose, one that so far has lasted longer then a few fleeting months. In the end we chose each other and I’m smart enough to know that I can’t lose in this deal.