Depressed Les» Codependence

I Moved Across the Country, and I’m Not Doing Well

Leslie — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 22:06:46 +0000

I’m not doing very well.
I thought I had mentally prepared for the move, and that part of it I was prepared for. I feel like I’ve coped and adjusted pretty well. I can survive living out of suitcases and boxes. In both Hawaii and Guatemala I had to live pretty minimalistically and I did just fine. In fact I’ve lived in a rather un-settled state for about 9 of the last 11 years. I can survive in unfamiliar territory with new customs, new surroundings, etc… There is one thing however that I didn’t anticipate. Loneliness.
I have always enjoyed being by myself and not being caught up in an active social life that consumes me. For this reason I thought I would be fine. I overlooked a couple of key facts. Once I left home and moved to Hawaii I had roommates. About 90% of the time I was home, there was always someone else there as well. I enjoyed the moments I had the house to myself and would clean and bake and just unwind. In 2005 I moved back home and lived with my family. Again, there were always people around.
In 2007 I got married. Tareak started a new job and was working LONG hours. It was the first time in my life I was alone. You’d think that by getting married you wouldn’t feel so lonely, but I felt lonelier than ever because he was working 12+ hours/day. He recognized I wasn’t doing well and got me my saving grace, Kaya. He swore he would never have a dog, at least not an inside dog, but seeing my need he put aside his concerns and got me a companion to be by my side (literally) while he was away. Over time his work schedule changed and instead of working such long hours, he worked crazy hours. He worked nights for a couple years and then worked weekends after that. Although the hours were anything but normal, they allowed him to spend a lot more time at home. We both enjoyed the time and could at least temporarily deal with the strange hours.
In 2010 we decided it was time for Tareak to pursue a different career and also that it was time to move. We packed up our things, sold our house and moved in with my parents for what was supposed to be a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks turned into a couple of months and 8 months later we were on our way to Atlanta. While staying with my parents Tareak was working on a special project at work. Many weeks the project required him to work 60+ hours/week, but most weeks required less than 20 hours. I loved the extra time I had with him.
Tareak has become my best friend, actually, my only friend. My many mental illnesses have caused me to withdraw from everyone, but he was always there, whether I liked it or not. When he works long hours I don’t do well alone. I sulk. I cry. I get angry with his company. I feel sorry for myself. I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself. Again, it is my dogs that keep me going. In the last 2 1/2 weeks that I’ve been in Atlanta I would not have gotten out of bed had it not been for my dogs. I hear them next to my bed whining because they are hungry or need to go outside. I feel guilty I’m not taking better care of them and know if I don’t get up to feed them, no one else is. They’ve become my sole purpose in life. But once their bellies are full and they have come back inside, then what? What is my purpose now?
Major life changes, whether for the good or bad, can be triggers for depression. When I got married and Tareak was working long hours, I tanked. It took several years and lots of learning to get me to a point where I felt mentally stable. Although this move to Atlanta was supposed to be a good thing, it has unfortunately thrust me back down even farther than I was before. I know I need a purpose other than feeding my dogs. I’ve thought about getting a part time job, but the idea scares me so much. Can I commit myself to being there for someone every day, no matter how I’m feeling? How long can I force myself to be responsible and reliable before I snap from the pressure?
It is obvious that adjusting to these new life changes is going to be an up-hill battle.

Angry with Depression

Leslie — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 04:50:15 +0000

Loss of interest in normal daily activities

Feeling sad or down

Feeling hopeless

Crying spells for no apparent reason

Problems sleeping

Trouble focusing or concentrating

Difficulty making decisions

Unintentional weight gain or loss

Irritability

Restlessness

Being easily annoyed

Feeling fatigued or weak

Feeling worthless

Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain
or headaches

I don’t know how I let this happen- AGAIN! I thought I had everything under control despite all of the major life changes occurring right now. It makes me wonder if it was the Wellbutrin that was helping me, or if it was the fact that I was getting my house ready to sell and I was BUSY.

I am in limbo right now, living in the room above my parents garage. We are waiting to find out when Tareak can be transferred to Georgia where we can start a new life. He is doing a temporary job with his company right now and he is working 12-15 hour days. He hasn’t had a day off in a month, including weekends. I’m not used to him being gone so much. I feel bad for Tareak. He gets home after a long day of work and just wants to relax with me, but I am beyond BLAH and don’t know why. I don’t like it at all and I take out all my frustrations on him when he gets home.

I’ve felt myself slipping for the past couple weeks, but today I finally admitted to myself that I have re-entered the world of depression. Instead of feeling the dread of knowing what is coming, I just feel angry. I’m angry that I didn’t see this coming. I’m angry that there is nothing I could have done to prevent the depression from coming back. I’m angry with Tareak’s company for putting us in this position. I’m angry I can’t just snap myself out of this. I’m angry that all I want to do is curl up in bed and never wake up, but I can’t even fall asleep. I’m angry that depression is a disease and not just a passing mood. I’m angry that my magic purple pill (Wellbutrin) isn’t working miracles on me. In other words, I’m just plain angry with Depression.

History of Codependence

Leslie — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:00:34 +0000

I was looking through old journals last night and came across a poem I wrote back in 2004. I have probably written about 3 poems in my whole life and in no way consider myself a poet, but I thought I needed to share it:

“Can’t Let Go”

I gain nothing from this but hurt and pain
so why do I feel the need to remain?
I want to be free from the ties that bind
But am afraid of what I then will find.
A reality that I have been abused
By willing letting myself be used.
I have given it my all, & they have confided,
But now I am alone & it was all one-sided.
I can see now how often I was disrespected,
Pushed aside and even neglected.
I thought I was helping and we had a connection,
But I can see it wasn’t so, upon reflection.
Now I am stuck & not even in control
And reality has started to take it’s toll.
Treated as un-important, this I know,
So I don’t understand why I can’t let go.
-Leslie- 11/11/2004

After reading the poem, I realized that before I even knew the word “Codependence” existed, I was aware that I was suffering unnecessarily. It is no wonder that I have struggled with depression my whole life. At some subconscious level I always knew that I wasn’t in healthy relationships and was allowing myself to be treated without respect. How can someone feel good about themselves when they know they are acting destructively? For this reason I feel it is important for me to develop a better sense of self-worth and work on overcoming my codependence so I will be in a better position to handle coping with my depression.

Hide and Seek

Leslie — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:12:57 +0000

I was hiding under the desk, in the space where you tuck the chair away. I could hear them counting. “100… 99….98…. 2… 1…. Ready or not, here I come!” Pleased with my hiding spot I stayed tucked away. I heard cries of “Found You!”, but still my hiding spot was secure. The sounds of children running and their laughter died away and there was silence. “They must be listening for me,” I thought. I waited and waited. Where was everyone? It seemed like hours had passed. I finally emerged from my hiding spot and no one was in sight. My mom was in the kitchen. I quietly asked her if the kids were still looking for me, not wanting to be seen. Looking confused she replied, “Everyone is in the back yard playing.” I walked away wondering, “Was my hiding spot so good they couldn’t find me?” I tried to reassure myself this was the case, but deep down I knew they had just forgotten about me and couldn’t be bothered to look. I felt hurt. I tucked that pain away and joined everyone in the back yard pretending like nothing had happened.

I don’t know why this memory emerged today. In learning about codependence and thinking about the role it has played in my life, I realize it has been my constant companion even before depression entered the picture. I remember feeling so confused that no one had come to look for me while playing Hide and Seek. Because I was codependent, even as a small child, I was very aware of everyone and always knew what was going on, and naturally assumed everyone else was the same way. I think this was the first time I realized that I was different. But I didn’t look at myself in a bad way- I thought everyone else was horrible because they didn’t care as much as I did. They didn’t notice the things that I noticed. This feeling has carried through into my adulthood.

There have been several times in my young marriage that I thought Tareak was just a horrible insensitive guy. I couldn’t grasp how he didn’t notice or take care of my needs. I would think, “Am I seriously going to have to spell this out for him? How can he not see what I need? It is so obvious.” And if I did have to spell it out for him, then anything he did “didn’t count”- because I had to tell him to do it. I wanted him to notice my needs like I noticed his. I wanted him to be so attentive that he was always one step ahead of me, anticipating my every need.

In learning about codependence I have realized that I am the unhealthy one in this relationship. It isn’t normal to focus so much on someone else that you forget who you are and what you like. Even though I know that he is the healthy one, I still have feelings of frustration and resentment that he isn’t as attentive as I am. Knowing that it is my codependence that makes me this way helps me keep my feeling and emotions in check, but it doesn’t change them. There is still a big part of me that is that little girl hiding under the desk, just waiting for someone to care enough to come and find me and make sure I am okay.