All Entries in the "SAD" Category

Misconceptions

When Tareak told me we would be going to Hawaii for a week in November I was excited.  He commented that he hadn’t seen me so excited in a long time.  Of course I was excited to go to Hawaii!  In many ways I feel more at home on an isolated island in the middle of the Pacific than I do in Washington where I grew up.  While I was happy about going to Hawaii, and happy while I was there, my depression didn’t disappear.

Tareak was excited for me to blog in Hawaii because he was sure we would see an extreme change in my outlook and attitude.  I was tired in Hawaii.  I didn’t feel like blogging.  I was more active during my week long “vacation” than I am at home.  In a typical week at home I leave the house about twice.  I go to church on Sunday, and I will usually go to the grocery store once during the week.  I don’t even have to step outside my house to check the mail, it is delivered to our door.  While in Hawaii not only did I leave the house every day, I had much more social interaction than I do at home.  As much as I love Kaya, my dog, she can’t replace human interaction.  I enjoyed leaving the house daily, and I enjoyed talking to people other than Tareak (don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband.  Except for when he is at work, we literally spend every minute together and I like it that way).  But all this activity and interaction left me feeling physically and mentally exhausted by the end of each day.

The Hawaiian sun is theraputic.  Nothing compares to the feeling of the warm sun bathing your body in it’s rays.  It truly is healing.  Now time for a confession: During the 5 years I lived in Hawaii I went to the beach on average once every 2 months.  Another confession.  My little sister came with us to Hawaii this past week.  Had she not been there I would not have gone to the beach, much less left the house.  Just because I was in Hawaii did not mean that I didn’t suffer from depression.

As much as Tareak has learned these past few months, I still feel like he thinks there is a “quick fix” to depression.  He thinks moving to Hawaii is that fix.  He sees my extreme range of emotions when it comes to Hawaii.  I can’t watch the shows on the Travel Channel about Hawaii- I cry every time.  But stepping off the plane in Hawaii brings levels of excitement comparable to a child going to Disneyland for the first time.  Tareak feels guilty that we don’t live in Hawaii.  He thinks that if we lived there my depression would go away, or at least be easier to manage.  Unfortunately, I don’t think this is true.

If we lived somewhere that was sunny more than 15 days each year, SAD would not be an issue.  But SAD and Depression aren’t the same thing.  SAD is just one more thing on top of the existing depression.  For this reason Hawaii could be an ideal place to live one day.  Another reason I enjoy Hawaii is the people.  The 5 years that I lived in Hawaii, I lived on the North Shore.  People who live here aren’t rich (even though their homes are worth almost $1 million).  I always got the sense that the people were very content with their lives.  For the most part they weren’t aspiring to make millions, they were happy to just have enough to get by.  One of the triggers of my depression is my feelings of inadaquacy.  I feel like I SHOULD be able to have a full time job.  I feel like I SHOULD have been able to finish my degree.  I feel like I SHOULD already have 3 kids.  In Hawaii I never felt judged or looked down upon.  I never felt like I SHOULD be doing anything in particular, I just felt accepted for who I was and the feelings of inadaquacy weren’t so strong.

I know the answer to conquering my depression isn’t in Hawaii.  It may help me find the answer, but ultimately I need to look inside myself and heal from the inside out, and not rely on the sun to do all the work.

SAD- Seasonal Affective Disorder

Not only am I lucky enough to have depression, I have SAD as well.

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder (click here for the Mayo-Clinic definition).  Basically what this means for me is my depression worsens during the gloomy winter months.  Washington state had an unusually dry September, and I had almost forgotten what was coming.  Then October 1st hit, and the rain began.  It hasn’t stopped raining (on and off) for the last 5 days.  I realize that there are many places suffering from drought and they would be more than glad to have this rain, but I CAN’T STAND IT!!!  The other night before going to bed Tareak and I were praying, and he thanked God for the rain.  I could feel the anger and annoyance building as he continued saying how beautiful it makes the earth.  I hate it when people pray for rain.  I could understand the need if you lived in Arizona or some desert-like place, but Washington?!?!  Seriously, there is enough rain here.

I went to college in Hawaii.  Growing up in Washington I had always said that I wouldn’t mind the rain so much if it was just warm rain.  Well, they have warm rain in Hawaii and it isn’t any better.  I decided that I wasn’t going to leave the house if it was raining that day.  Let’s just say I missed a lot of class in the winter months.  I still have a hard time leaving the house if it is raining.

I have been feeling especially tired this week.  I was getting my usual amount of sleep and couldn’t figure out the problem.  It wasn’t until today that I realized it was the SAD getting to me.  Mayo-Clinic says, “With seasonal affective disorder, fall’s short days and long nights may trigger feelings of depression, lethargy, fatigue and other problems.”  When it is all rainy and cold outside, all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.  One of the ways to treat SAD (and also Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which I also suffer from), is with light therapy.  I have a light that I’m supposed to sit in front of for 20 minutes each day.  The light produced is similar to sunlight and it helps to regulate sleep patterns and also help the effects of SAD.  I have no doubt that this light would help me feel better in the gloomy winter months, but there is just one problem;  I don’t want to feel good about the rain!  By not feeling down and out when it is gross outside, it is like I am accepting it.  There is a part of me that wants to wallow in misery because the weather makes me do so.  I’m sure after reading this blog, Tareak is going to start sitting me in front of my light, but I’ll show him!  I’ll just close my eyes really tight so I can still feel miserable about the rain.