All Entries in the "Perinatal Mood Disorders" Category

“Damned if you don’t”

“What must I do to be damned?  Nothing.  That’s all.  You’re damned–condemned–
if you just sit still.  That is the law of this physical world.

“If you sit still long enough, you’ll never get up again. 
If you never lift your arm, you’ll soon be unable to raise it at all.
  If you remain in darkness and never use your eyes, you’ll soon become blind.

“It is the law in the mental world,  if you never exercise your brain– never read, 
study, nor talk to anyone, never permit anyone to talk to you, 
your mind will become blank– maybe you’ll become insane.

“The most horrible punishment that could be inflicted upon 
you is not twenty years of hard labor, but twenty years of solitary confinement.

“It’s the law in the spiritual world, simply shut your heart to all truth, 
and after a while you won’t be able to believe anything–
that is the severest penalty for not accepting the truth.

“The process of disintegration and death begins when a man 
shuts himself out from the forces that make for life.

“The body and mind and spirit are kept alive through constant constructive use.”

~Charles Steizle~

(Utah Labor News, December 12th, 1937)

I came across this quote today and it reminded me of depression.  When in a depressed state you can’t do anything physical, mental or spiritual- you don’t even want to do anything.  This beast of complete and all consuming inactivity takes over your life and there is only one way to escape, or at least begin to pry yourself free… and that is to do something, anything!

You don’t want to get out of bed.   You want to be able to sleep and escape it all by just lying there and doing NOTHING, but by forcing yourself to get out of bed (which wouldn’t be considered an accomplishment by most) you feel a twinge of hope, hope that maybe today will be a good day.

I’ve learned that as long as I do ONE thing each day (some days it is as simple as taking a shower or playing with the dogs and other days I can manage to actually leave the house or do a load of laundry) I am able to stay somewhat sane.  If I feel good after doing one thing that day, then I can decide if I’d like to do another, but if I don’t want to, that is OK.  I’ve given myself permission to only do ONE thing each day, and anything else is a bonus.

I get overwhelmed so easily and this is why I have a hard time seeing myself as a mother one day.  Right now it is okay if my “one thing” is to get in the shower.  If I have a kid I’ll need to feed, bathe, dress, and play with them until I can escape while they take a nap.  This is a whole lot more than “one thing”.  This is why it was so hard for me to work and go to school.  Work was one thing and school was another  and some days I could only manage to do one of them, and some days none because I was so overwhelmed I had to “check out” of life.

So like Mr. Charles Steizle said, I’ll just keep on doing at least one thing every day so that I won’t be “damned” to the hell that is depression.

Mental Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I’ve read several articles about infertility and the different types of infertility, but I haven’t read anything about a mental infertility.  Does it even exist?

In my world mental infertility does exist.  It is the reason Tareak and I don’t have any children.  If I was mentally healthy, children wouldn’t be an issue.  Mental illness, like physical (versus mental) infertility, is hard on everyone involved and can put a strain on marriages.  In addition to dealing with the regular challenges of marriage, infertility can cause feelings of sadness for the loss of potential unborn biological children.

I am mentally infertile for more than one reason.  I have to be on medication to manage my mental illnesses.  This medication is dangerous to the fetus during pregnancy and to the baby through breast milk.  I know all pregnancies have risks, but because I don’t want to increase those risks substantially I cause myself to be infertile due to my mental illnesses.  If I were to choose not to take the medication, I would still be mentally infertile, but for different reasons.  If I don’t take medication and manage my mental illnesses during pregnancy, I can actually harm the fetus more than if I was on medication.  The stress and problems that arise from not managing the mental illnesses effect the fetus and not only cause premature birth, but can weaken the child’s immune system for life.  Without the medication my moods are unstable and there are days I can’t even take care of myself, let alone a child.

So is mental infertility a real disease?  Absolutely!  Infertility (physically) is a sensitive topic that isn’t often discussed (hence the National Infertility Awareness Week), but the topic of mental illness is even more taboo.  Mental infertility is very real and very hurtful in many ways.  Even though they might not admit it or want to talk about it, mental infertility effects more people then you would expect.

Puppy Tears

My plans for getting back on track with blogging were disrupted by this cute puppy.  Tareak and I decided we wanted Kaya to have a friend and thought a puppy would be fun for all of us.  Neither Tareak or I have ever had a puppy before, so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  Jacy is an 8 week old rat terrier and when she is full grown will be the same size as Kaya.

Having a puppy is harder than I anticipated.  In the last week I haven’t slept for more than 4 solid hours at a time.  My body is tired.  My brain is tired.  My sister asked me if having a puppy made me more or less excited to have a baby.  My answer was definitely LESS excited!  I think I am more of an older child/older dog type person.  I don’t mind adopting dogs from the shelter that have been locked in a basement their whole life and only have one ear.  It gives them character.  Many people don’t like the idea of adopting older children because they are “damaged”.  I think this is what draws me to them in a way.  I feel like I can identify with some of the mental struggles they must be going through and I want to help.

We have had Kaya for almost 2 years.  She is a permanent part of our lives and family.  We had a rhythm and a routine that everyone followed.  When we adopted Jacy this whole routine and rhythm was disrupted.  Kaya was very jealous of our newest addition.  If I was holding Jacy, Kaya wouldn’t come and sit with me.  My heart was aching because I felt so bad for Kaya.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was being replaced or had to compete for my attention.  She was mad at me, and I could feel it.

The other night Tareak and I were watching a movie and Jacy was sitting on one couch with me, and Kaya was on the other.  I wanted Kaya to like me again, so I put Jacy on the other couch with Tareak hoping that Kaya would come and sit with me.  She didn’t.  I waited and waited.  The movie was over and she still wouldn’t sit with me.  I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t.  I wanted my old life back.  I didn’t want a puppy any more.  I resented her for ruining everything.  I wanted Kaya to like me again.  I wanted to SLEEP!

Kaya must have known something was wrong because the next morning she was back to her old self.  She has taken Jacy under her wing and allows Jacy to bite her ear stub, jump on her while she is sleeping, and everything else that comes along with being an older sister.  She will sit with me when I am holding Jacy and I know she isn’t mad at me anymore.  I still haven’t had any good sleep, but things are definitely looking up.

This whole experience has really made me reflect on having children.  At least I wanted a puppy, and so the struggle and disruption is something I can accept.  What will happen if I have a baby that is even more disruptive than a puppy?  Will I resent the baby too?  What will happen if I adopt older children that will also disrupt and turn my life upside down?  Will I cope with that any better?  So many questions, but still no answers.

I will try to keep blogging as I find a new routine and rhythm in life and hope there will be no more puppy tears.

Adoption Thinking

I was an emotional mess last summer when Tareak and I began to seriously discuss starting a family.  I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to have babies, but wanted to adopt, and knew that there must be something wrong with me.  I would spend hours online searching for something, anything, to tell me that I was normal.  I came across many accounts of women who had adopted after not being able to get pregnant.  I came across accounts of women who had no desire to get pregnant because they were afraid of giving birth, or who didn’t want to bring any more children into this screwed up world.  I came across accounts of women who didn’t want to have children either biologically or through adoption because it would mean they would have to put their careers on hold.  I couldn’t relate to the experiences of any of these women.  I was left feeling very alone and the suspicions I had of there being something wrong with me were validated.

I have always wanted to adopt children, not babies, but older children.  I know some people are afraid of adopting older children because they are afraid they won’t be able to bond with them as easily as they could if they were a baby.  I have never had this fear.  Some people get excited and giddy about the idea of having a baby who is a miniature version of themselves running around.  This idea has never excited me.  I’ve always been excited about the idea of having a child that I choose.  I enjoy looking at adoption websites and browsing the listings of children waiting to be adopted.  Sometimes I feel bad because it is similar to shopping for a car and you get to choose the hair color, eye color, ethnicity, etc…  I know that it is kind of twisted to compare adopting a child to buying a car, but I can’t help that I get giddy and excited when I browse through the photo listings of the children.  I yearn to adopt one of them the same way that other women yearn to get pregnant.

Yesterday I was reading blogs on Psychology Today and came across a blog written by a woman who had adopted 2 children.  As I read her blog I felt an enormous sense of relief.  I could relate to almost every word she said.  It was the first time I had ever felt like I wasn’t the only one out there who feels the way I do about children and adoption.  Since I found the article yesterday I’ve gone back and re-read it several times because I feel the same relief each time knowing that if there is something wrong with me I know now that I’m not the only one.