All Entries in the "Perinatal Mood Disorders" Category

Adoption Thinking

I was an emotional mess last summer when Tareak and I began to seriously discuss starting a family.  I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to have babies, but wanted to adopt, and knew that there must be something wrong with me.  I would spend hours online searching for something, anything, to tell me that I was normal.  I came across many accounts of women who had adopted after not being able to get pregnant.  I came across accounts of women who had no desire to get pregnant because they were afraid of giving birth, or who didn’t want to bring any more children into this screwed up world.  I came across accounts of women who didn’t want to have children either biologically or through adoption because it would mean they would have to put their careers on hold.  I couldn’t relate to the experiences of any of these women.  I was left feeling very alone and the suspicions I had of there being something wrong with me were validated.

I have always wanted to adopt children, not babies, but older children.  I know some people are afraid of adopting older children because they are afraid they won’t be able to bond with them as easily as they could if they were a baby.  I have never had this fear.  Some people get excited and giddy about the idea of having a baby who is a miniature version of themselves running around.  This idea has never excited me.  I’ve always been excited about the idea of having a child that I choose.  I enjoy looking at adoption websites and browsing the listings of children waiting to be adopted.  Sometimes I feel bad because it is similar to shopping for a car and you get to choose the hair color, eye color, ethnicity, etc…  I know that it is kind of twisted to compare adopting a child to buying a car, but I can’t help that I get giddy and excited when I browse through the photo listings of the children.  I yearn to adopt one of them the same way that other women yearn to get pregnant.

Yesterday I was reading blogs on Psychology Today and came across a blog written by a woman who had adopted 2 children.  As I read her blog I felt an enormous sense of relief.  I could relate to almost every word she said.  It was the first time I had ever felt like I wasn’t the only one out there who feels the way I do about children and adoption.  Since I found the article yesterday I’ve gone back and re-read it several times because I feel the same relief each time knowing that if there is something wrong with me I know now that I’m not the only one.

Am I Ready?

Last week my sister had some errands to run and so Tareak and I volunteered to babysit our 3 month old niece.  This was the first time we had ever watched her at our house with no one else around.  I was a bit apprehensive, knowing that I am uncomfortable around babies, but I reassured myself by remembering that Tareak was going to be here to help me.  About 5 minutes before she arrived Tareak decided to make a phone call to our cell phone company and make some changes to our account.  I was annoyed, but told myself it would be okay.

I gave my niece a tour of our house (since it was her first time here), we looked out all the windows into the backyard, and we watched Kaya play with her toys and bark at the invisible squirrels outside that only she can see.  My sister left a schedule listing what time my niece was supposed to take a nap and what time she could eat.  About 20 minutes before her designated nap time she started to cry.  I talked to her, I bounced her, I walked around with her, I gave her a pacifier, I tried everything.  You should probably know that the sound of a baby crying triggers something in my brain.  It makes me want to hide in the closet with my ears plugged while curling up in a ball and rocking back and forth.

After about 10 minutes of straight crying I started to get mad at Tareak.  He was still on the phone with the cell phone company (it had been over an hour).  The thoughts went something like this: “Oh, so this is how it’s going to be when we have kids.  Just when I need his help he’ll decide to make a phone call that could have easily waited.”
“If he’s the one that likes babies so much, why isn’t he the one taking care of her?”
“He says he is going to be there to help me when we have a baby, but if this is what he considers to be “helping”, then I’m not interested in his help.”
I’m sure the negative energy from these thoughts was not helping my niece calm down.  After another 5 minutes Tareak emerged from the office and asked if I needed help.  She calmed down quickly once she was removed from my negative presence and we played with her until she fell asleep in his arms.  We laid her down on our bed, closed the door, and that is when my tears began.  Tareak gave me a hug and told me I was doing a good job.  I told him I didn’t think I was ready for a baby.  I felt bad for Tareak at this point.  He went from calming down one baby to trying to get the even bigger baby (me) to stop crying.

Our niece slept for only 20 minutes, and was then ready to get up and play and eat.  As I am feeding her Tareak decides that we should make some lunch because he is hungry.  I told him to just eat a small snack and we would have an early dinner.  He asked why we couldn’t have lunch and I told him it is because we were watching our niece.  At this point I realized that Tareak and I view babies very differently, his way being much less stressful.  I envision having to play with and entertain the baby non-stop when it is awake and not be able to do anything else.  Tareak just plans to continue his normal routine, but bring the baby along.  I realize that my mentality is a bit skewed, but I don’t know how to change it.

I could see that Tareak was genuinely enjoying spending time with our niece.  I could see that he was comfortable and relaxed around her.  I asked myself if I genuinely had any enjoyment.  Honestly, I can say that I genuinely felt good about fulfilling my responsibility and besides feeling anxious, felt good that I did a good job taking care of her.  But do I get joy from babies?  I can’t say that I do.  I think the stress and anxiety overpower any joy that might be there.  This makes me feel bad.  This makes me feel guilty.  I cried myself to sleep that night because I wish that I didn’t feel this way, but I have to be honest with myself.

So where does this leave us?  Am I ready to have a baby?  Unfortunately for Tareak, the answer is “No”.  The good news is we are looking for a therapist to help us get these issues resolved so that we can start our family sooner rather than later.

Therapist Research

Finding a therapist is harder than I expected it would be.  Over the past month I have been contacting therapists in the area that are experienced in perinatal mood disorders.  I want to have a relationship established with a therapist before we start trying to get pregnant so that I won’t have to stress about finding someone if I am in an unstable mental state.

I have been in contact with over a dozen therapists in the past few weeks.  So far I have only found one who is willing to treat me.  With each, I have e-mailed a detailed list of things that I want to accomplish during therapy, potential obstacles, etc…  The only one who has been willing to treat me doesn’t actually specialize in perinatal mood disorders, but experienced postpartum depression with each of her 3 children.  I only e-mailed her in the first place because on her website it says “Aloha” in big letters.  I knew she had to be nice.  The rest of the therapists have either referred me to someone else, or they informed me they aren’t taking new patients at this time.

You have to understand what an ordeal it was to even find the dozen.  I am not exaggerating when I say it took well over 30 hours of research to find them.  Not only do I have to find someone who I feel could be qualified, I have to find someone that our insurance covers.  I woke up today to 2 more e-mails informing me they are no longer accepting patients.  This started yet another research session.  In addition to the 30 hours I already spent, I have spent over 7 STRAIGHT hours today and have found only 4 potential therapists.  Today alone I have “googled” over 200 therapists to research their qualifications.

I didn’t think it would be unreasonable to set up appointments with 3 or 4 therapists and then decide who we felt the most comfortable with.  At this point I am going to be lucky if I can find 2 more that are willing to meet with me!  Tareak thinks that the detailed description of what I’d like to accomplish in therapy has scared some of them off because they realize that I know what I want out of my sessions and they aren’t going to be able to waste my money.  Maybe my “case” is too complicated.  Even the one woman who has agreed to meet with me stated, “There are many issues you must work out before getting pregnant.”  Am I really that complicated?  Tareak would say, “Yes.”

Well, I’d better get back to “googling” therapists.  Wish me luck!

Despair or not to despair

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me.  I have been working long hours and I often wonder what Leslie is doing with her time. She has a routine that doesn’t really involve anything too challenging and I think sometimes I’m way too easy on her.  I allow her to figure herself out on her own terms.  This technique has obviously failed and my world is falling apart.

My little plan was simple, we get married, Leslie weans herself of Paxil over the course of a year and we start our family.  Simple wright? Wrong. Two years later we are scrambling to try and figure out what we did wrong and how we should move forward with this family thing. I met Leslie when she was 22 and I was 27. Time is moving away from us and I’m a little anxious to be a dad, I’m not getting any younger.  Unfortunately this way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on Leslie which is a bad idea but that’s how I feel. What’s the solution?  Simple!  “Suck it up Tareak, because you know you can. Then dial in on a plan to help Leslie get healthy enough to start this family.” I want us to be excited not just me so its important for me to control my feelings and stick to an action plan that is different than the one we had over the last few years.  The biggest ingredient in this plan is patience and that will definitely be difficult for me.

We just have our second anniversary and overall I have loved the past 2 years.  Leslie has taught me a lot about myself and challenged me in so many ways, but most of all when I look in the mirror I see someone who has become a better man through being with her and having her influence my life.  I can only imagine the greater effect she will have on me when she learns to manage her depression and other issues better.