All Entries in the "Perinatal Mood Disorders" Category

Sacrifice of Sanity

Tareak is a great help and support to me in trying to overcome my depression, but sometime I feel like he doesn’t have any idea what I’m sacrificing.  I was on Paxil for 7 years before I attempted to lower my dose.  The 30 mg I was on helped me lead a relatively normal life.  Currently I am on 15mg and I would say that I am simply surviving.

Our family dynamic is a little different than most.  In our case, Tareak is the one that is anxious to have children instead of me.  Were he not so anxious, I wouldn’t have ever lowered my Paxil dosage.  I don’t see anything wrong with staying on medication for the rest of my life, but getting Tareak to even take asprin for a headache is like pulling teeth.  Because he is anti-medication he would like to see me get off Paxil as quickly as possible.

Since lowering my dosage I have basically given up a year of my life.  During the past year I have simply been surviving, not living.  I have sacrificed the joy that I used to find in even the smallest of things.  I have sacrificed my sanity, the ability to feel like I am in control of myself and my emotions.  It is hard to feel like I can take care of myself and even harder to imagine taking care of an infant in my current state.

I know it is hard, if not impossible for Tareak to understand what it is like to not have control of your sanity.  I hope he never has to experience this feeling.  I would never willingly give up this feeling unless it was for someone I loved.  Even if Tareak can’t understand the feeling, I hope he can understand what my sacrifice means about my love for him.

Pregnancy and Pills

Today Tareak completed his assignment of contacting the doctor that put me on Paxil.  We have been concerned about the potential risks involved with being on Paxil while pregnant, and this doctor has a lot of experience with babies born to mothers on Paxil, or similar drugs.  Basically what he said is that so long as the Paxil dosage is low, he hasn’t seen any problems with the babies.  This doesn’t mean there isn’t a risk still involved, but with a low dosage the risk is lower.  He said that 10-15mg of  Paxil would be considered low, and I happen to be on 15mg.  He assured Tareak that based on my current dosage we shouldn’t have anything to worry about in regards to starting a family.  His other recommendations were as follows:

-If possible, try not to be on Paxil during the first trimester because that is when the organs are developing.  If there are depression problems though, it is better for me to be on Paxil because my depression could cause other problems for the baby.

-Find a Psychiatrist I can visit with throughout the pregnancy to help me monitor my conditions and work with my doctor to adjust medications accordingly.

Tareak is obviously very excited because a few months ago he was facing the reality that he might never have biological children, and now that future looks brighter.  We still have a lot of learning to do before we can actually start our family, but it looks like it could be sooner rather than later.  I’m still not super excited about the idea of having little kids (babies), and would still prefer to adopt older children, but I am now open to the idea as I feel more mentally stable (due to the increased 5mg of Paxil) and in a condition that I feel I could actually care for the small children.

On a side note… last week I saw a blog that mentioned the new book, “Pregnant on Prozac“.  I ordered it and it arrived today.  I will post what I learn about being pregnant while on depression medications in a later post.

Baby Talk

A few days ago Leslie wanted to talk about starting our family. Of course I got a little excited at the prospect that she has figured out in her mind how to make it work.  She suggested that if we work with the doctors on a mix of medication during certain parts of the pregnancy, with the option of being fully medicated after the birth then she would feel more comfortable with the idea.  My job is to set up an appointment with the doctor who put Leslie on Paxil so we can figure out the best drug combination that will allow her to function while limiting the fetus exposure to harmful side effects.

This strategy requires some compromise that has been difficult for me, however the alternative is not that appealing to me right now either.  Things I would be compromising:  1- I really wanted Leslie to function independent of drugs.  2- By incorporating drugs into our family planning it will mean our children will be raised on formula instead of the brain nourishing good stuff that only mothers can make. This later one is really hard for me on a number of levels.  I truly believe that mothers milk is the greatest thing for babies and medically it is proven. I understand that some mothers cannot produce enough milk for their children or the baby may be lactose intolerant (like Leslie).  In these cases I think formula is a great alternative, however it seems in western countries the marketing machine has downgraded the natural process for passing immune strengthening milk and substituted it with a inferior product.  All of a sudden something that is best for the child is switched out with something that pales in comparison at a significant cost.  It’s complete craziness if you ask me, however in our situation where Leslie is more likely to be on medication after the birth of our children it would be unwise for her to feed them mothers milk due to the fact that the medication will be pasted on.  At the end of the day I may not have everything according to my ideal, BUT I will get a chance at being a dad and any sacrifice is worth it to me.

Baby vs. Paxil

Leslie and I talked about starting our family last week and it went well.  We were able to talk about it with out all the tears (OK there were a few).  I guess that additional 5 mg of Paxil is helping.  We also talked to her doctor about the effects of her medication on a baby if she were to get pregnant.  she said that Paxil is potentially dangerous and to look into other types of drugs that might not be as harmful.  As Much as I would like Leslie not to be on any drugs I accept that it will take a lot longer then previously thought before that can happen. So a possible compromise will be a low dose of medication thorough the pregnancy.  The question is what is the right drug and how much.  Paxil helps Leslie with OCD, Trichotillomania , anxiety as well as depression.  By switching to something like  Zoloft or Prozac we are going to have to come up with a plan to tackle those other conditions.  For right now I’m doing a little research on the various drugs out their so I can get a better idea what type of direction we want to go in once Leslie is ready mentally for the challenge.