All Entries in the "Relationships" Category

Angry with Depression

Loss of interest in normal daily activities

Feeling sad or down

Feeling hopeless

Crying spells for no apparent reason

Problems sleeping

Trouble focusing or concentrating

Difficulty making decisions

Unintentional weight gain or loss

Irritability

Restlessness

Being easily annoyed

Feeling fatigued or weak

Feeling worthless

Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain
or headaches

I don’t know how I let this happen- AGAIN!  I thought I had everything under control despite all of the major life changes occurring right now.  It makes me wonder if it was the Wellbutrin that was helping me, or if it was the fact that I was getting my house ready to sell and I was BUSY.

I am in limbo right now, living in the room above my parents garage.  We are waiting to find out when Tareak can be transferred to Georgia where we can start a new life.  He is doing a temporary job with his company right now and he is working 12-15 hour days.  He hasn’t had a day off in a month, including weekends.  I’m not used to him being gone so much.  I feel bad for Tareak.  He gets home after a long day of work and just wants to relax with me, but I am beyond BLAH and don’t know why.  I don’t like it at all and I take out all my frustrations on him when he gets home.

I’ve felt myself slipping for the past couple weeks, but today I finally admitted to myself that I have re-entered the world of depression.  Instead of feeling the dread of knowing what is coming, I just feel angry.  I’m angry that I didn’t see this coming.  I’m angry that there is nothing I could have done to prevent the depression from coming back.  I’m angry with Tareak’s company for putting us in this position.  I’m angry I can’t just snap myself out of this.  I’m angry that all I want to do is curl up in bed and never wake up, but I can’t even fall asleep.  I’m angry that depression is a disease and not just a passing mood.  I’m angry that my magic purple pill (Wellbutrin) isn’t working miracles on me.  In other words, I’m just plain angry with Depression.

Mental Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I’ve read several articles about infertility and the different types of infertility, but I haven’t read anything about a mental infertility.  Does it even exist?

In my world mental infertility does exist.  It is the reason Tareak and I don’t have any children.  If I was mentally healthy, children wouldn’t be an issue.  Mental illness, like physical (versus mental) infertility, is hard on everyone involved and can put a strain on marriages.  In addition to dealing with the regular challenges of marriage, infertility can cause feelings of sadness for the loss of potential unborn biological children.

I am mentally infertile for more than one reason.  I have to be on medication to manage my mental illnesses.  This medication is dangerous to the fetus during pregnancy and to the baby through breast milk.  I know all pregnancies have risks, but because I don’t want to increase those risks substantially I cause myself to be infertile due to my mental illnesses.  If I were to choose not to take the medication, I would still be mentally infertile, but for different reasons.  If I don’t take medication and manage my mental illnesses during pregnancy, I can actually harm the fetus more than if I was on medication.  The stress and problems that arise from not managing the mental illnesses effect the fetus and not only cause premature birth, but can weaken the child’s immune system for life.  Without the medication my moods are unstable and there are days I can’t even take care of myself, let alone a child.

So is mental infertility a real disease?  Absolutely!  Infertility (physically) is a sensitive topic that isn’t often discussed (hence the National Infertility Awareness Week), but the topic of mental illness is even more taboo.  Mental infertility is very real and very hurtful in many ways.  Even though they might not admit it or want to talk about it, mental infertility effects more people then you would expect.

History of Codependence

I was looking through old journals last night and came across a poem I wrote back in 2004.  I have probably written about 3 poems in my whole life and in no way consider myself a poet, but I thought I needed to share it:

“Can’t Let Go”

I gain nothing from this but hurt and pain
so why do I feel the need to remain?
I want to be free from the ties that bind
But am afraid of what I then will find.
A reality that I have been abused
By willing letting myself be used.
I have given it my all, & they have confided,
But now I am alone & it was all one-sided.
I can see now how often I was disrespected,
Pushed aside and even neglected.
I thought I was helping and we had a connection,
But I can see it wasn’t so, upon reflection.
Now I am stuck & not even in control
And reality has started to take it’s toll.
Treated as un-important, this I know,
So I don’t understand why I can’t let go.
-Leslie-  11/11/2004

After reading the poem, I realized that before I even knew the word “Codependence” existed, I was aware that I was suffering unnecessarily.  It is no wonder that I have struggled with depression my whole life.  At some subconscious level I always knew that I wasn’t in healthy relationships and was allowing myself to be treated without respect.  How can someone feel good about themselves when they know they are acting destructively?  For this reason I feel it is important for me to develop a better sense of self-worth and work on overcoming my codependence so I will be in a better position to handle coping with my depression.

Hide and Seek

I was hiding under the desk, in the space where you tuck the chair away.  I could hear them counting.  “100… 99….98…. 2… 1…. Ready or not, here I come!”  Pleased with my hiding spot I stayed tucked away.  I heard cries of “Found You!”, but still my hiding spot was secure.  The sounds of children running and their laughter died away and there was silence.  “They must be listening for me,” I thought.  I waited and waited.  Where was everyone?  It seemed like hours had passed.  I finally emerged from my hiding spot and no one was in sight.  My mom was in the kitchen.  I quietly asked her if the kids were still looking for me, not wanting to be seen.  Looking confused she replied, “Everyone is in the back yard playing.”  I walked away wondering, “Was my hiding spot so good they couldn’t find me?”  I tried to reassure myself this was the case, but deep down I knew they had just forgotten about me and couldn’t be bothered to look.  I felt hurt.  I tucked that pain away and joined everyone in the back yard pretending like nothing had happened.

I don’t know why this memory emerged today.  In learning about codependence and thinking about the role it has played in my life, I realize it has been my constant companion even before depression entered the picture.  I remember feeling so confused that no one had come to look for me while playing Hide and Seek.  Because I was codependent, even as a small child, I was very aware of everyone and always knew what was going on, and naturally assumed everyone else was the same way.  I think this was the first time I realized that I was different.  But I didn’t look at myself in a bad way- I thought everyone else was horrible because they didn’t care as much as I did.  They didn’t notice the things that I noticed.  This feeling has carried through into my adulthood.

There have been several times in my young marriage that I thought Tareak was just a horrible insensitive guy.  I couldn’t grasp how he didn’t notice or take care of my needs.  I would think, “Am I seriously going to have to spell this out for him?  How can he not see what I need?  It is so obvious.”  And if I did have to spell it out for him, then anything he did “didn’t count”- because I had  to tell him to do it.  I wanted him to notice my needs like I noticed his.  I wanted him to be so attentive that he was always one step ahead of me, anticipating my every need.

In learning about codependence I have realized that I am the unhealthy one in this relationship.  It isn’t normal to focus so much on someone else that you forget who you are and what you like.  Even though I know that he is the healthy one, I still have feelings of frustration and resentment that he isn’t as attentive as I am.  Knowing that it is my codependence that makes me this way helps me keep my feeling and emotions in check, but it doesn’t change them.  There is still a big part of me that is that little girl hiding under the desk, just waiting for someone to care enough to come and find me and make sure I am okay.