All Entries in the "Relationships" Category

Mental Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I’ve read several articles about infertility and the different types of infertility, but I haven’t read anything about a mental infertility.  Does it even exist?

In my world mental infertility does exist.  It is the reason Tareak and I don’t have any children.  If I was mentally healthy, children wouldn’t be an issue.  Mental illness, like physical (versus mental) infertility, is hard on everyone involved and can put a strain on marriages.  In addition to dealing with the regular challenges of marriage, infertility can cause feelings of sadness for the loss of potential unborn biological children.

I am mentally infertile for more than one reason.  I have to be on medication to manage my mental illnesses.  This medication is dangerous to the fetus during pregnancy and to the baby through breast milk.  I know all pregnancies have risks, but because I don’t want to increase those risks substantially I cause myself to be infertile due to my mental illnesses.  If I were to choose not to take the medication, I would still be mentally infertile, but for different reasons.  If I don’t take medication and manage my mental illnesses during pregnancy, I can actually harm the fetus more than if I was on medication.  The stress and problems that arise from not managing the mental illnesses effect the fetus and not only cause premature birth, but can weaken the child’s immune system for life.  Without the medication my moods are unstable and there are days I can’t even take care of myself, let alone a child.

So is mental infertility a real disease?  Absolutely!  Infertility (physically) is a sensitive topic that isn’t often discussed (hence the National Infertility Awareness Week), but the topic of mental illness is even more taboo.  Mental infertility is very real and very hurtful in many ways.  Even though they might not admit it or want to talk about it, mental infertility effects more people then you would expect.

History of Codependence

I was looking through old journals last night and came across a poem I wrote back in 2004.  I have probably written about 3 poems in my whole life and in no way consider myself a poet, but I thought I needed to share it:

“Can’t Let Go”

I gain nothing from this but hurt and pain
so why do I feel the need to remain?
I want to be free from the ties that bind
But am afraid of what I then will find.
A reality that I have been abused
By willing letting myself be used.
I have given it my all, & they have confided,
But now I am alone & it was all one-sided.
I can see now how often I was disrespected,
Pushed aside and even neglected.
I thought I was helping and we had a connection,
But I can see it wasn’t so, upon reflection.
Now I am stuck & not even in control
And reality has started to take it’s toll.
Treated as un-important, this I know,
So I don’t understand why I can’t let go.
-Leslie-  11/11/2004

After reading the poem, I realized that before I even knew the word “Codependence” existed, I was aware that I was suffering unnecessarily.  It is no wonder that I have struggled with depression my whole life.  At some subconscious level I always knew that I wasn’t in healthy relationships and was allowing myself to be treated without respect.  How can someone feel good about themselves when they know they are acting destructively?  For this reason I feel it is important for me to develop a better sense of self-worth and work on overcoming my codependence so I will be in a better position to handle coping with my depression.

Hide and Seek

I was hiding under the desk, in the space where you tuck the chair away.  I could hear them counting.  “100… 99….98…. 2… 1…. Ready or not, here I come!”  Pleased with my hiding spot I stayed tucked away.  I heard cries of “Found You!”, but still my hiding spot was secure.  The sounds of children running and their laughter died away and there was silence.  “They must be listening for me,” I thought.  I waited and waited.  Where was everyone?  It seemed like hours had passed.  I finally emerged from my hiding spot and no one was in sight.  My mom was in the kitchen.  I quietly asked her if the kids were still looking for me, not wanting to be seen.  Looking confused she replied, “Everyone is in the back yard playing.”  I walked away wondering, “Was my hiding spot so good they couldn’t find me?”  I tried to reassure myself this was the case, but deep down I knew they had just forgotten about me and couldn’t be bothered to look.  I felt hurt.  I tucked that pain away and joined everyone in the back yard pretending like nothing had happened.

I don’t know why this memory emerged today.  In learning about codependence and thinking about the role it has played in my life, I realize it has been my constant companion even before depression entered the picture.  I remember feeling so confused that no one had come to look for me while playing Hide and Seek.  Because I was codependent, even as a small child, I was very aware of everyone and always knew what was going on, and naturally assumed everyone else was the same way.  I think this was the first time I realized that I was different.  But I didn’t look at myself in a bad way- I thought everyone else was horrible because they didn’t care as much as I did.  They didn’t notice the things that I noticed.  This feeling has carried through into my adulthood.

There have been several times in my young marriage that I thought Tareak was just a horrible insensitive guy.  I couldn’t grasp how he didn’t notice or take care of my needs.  I would think, “Am I seriously going to have to spell this out for him?  How can he not see what I need?  It is so obvious.”  And if I did have to spell it out for him, then anything he did “didn’t count”- because I had  to tell him to do it.  I wanted him to notice my needs like I noticed his.  I wanted him to be so attentive that he was always one step ahead of me, anticipating my every need.

In learning about codependence I have realized that I am the unhealthy one in this relationship.  It isn’t normal to focus so much on someone else that you forget who you are and what you like.  Even though I know that he is the healthy one, I still have feelings of frustration and resentment that he isn’t as attentive as I am.  Knowing that it is my codependence that makes me this way helps me keep my feeling and emotions in check, but it doesn’t change them.  There is still a big part of me that is that little girl hiding under the desk, just waiting for someone to care enough to come and find me and make sure I am okay.

Puppy Tears

Jacy- 8 weeks

My plans for getting back on track with blogging were disrupted by this cute puppy.  Tareak and I decided we wanted Kaya to have a friend and thought a puppy would be fun for all of us.  Neither Tareak or I have ever had a puppy before, so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  Jacy is an 8 week old rat terrier and when she is full grown will be the same size as Kaya.

Having a puppy is harder than I anticipated.  In the last week I haven’t slept for more than 4 solid hours at a time.  My body is tired.  My brain is tired.  My sister asked me if having a puppy made me more or less excited to have a baby.  My answer was definitely LESS excited!  I think I am more of an older child/older dog type person.  I don’t mind adopting dogs from the shelter that have been locked in a basement their whole life and only have one ear.  It gives them character.  Many people don’t like the idea of adopting older children because they are “damaged”.  I think this is what draws me to them in a way.  I feel like I can identify with some of the mental struggles they must be going through and I want to help.

We have had Kaya for almost 2 years.  She is a permanent part of our lives and family.  We had a rhythm and a routine that everyone followed.  When we adopted Jacy this whole routine and rhythm was disrupted.  Kaya was very jealous of our newest addition.  If I was holding Jacy, Kaya wouldn’t come and sit with me.  My heart was aching because I felt so bad for Kaya.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was being replaced or had to compete for my attention.  She was mad at me, and I could feel it.

The other night Tareak and I were watching a movie and Jacy was sitting on one couch with me, and Kaya was on the other.  I wanted Kaya to like me again, so I put Jacy on the other couch with Tareak hoping that Kaya would come and sit with me.  She didn’t.  I waited and waited.  The movie was over and she still wouldn’t sit with me.  I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t.  I wanted my old life back.  I didn’t want a puppy any more.  I resented her for ruining everything.  I wanted Kaya to like me again.  I wanted to SLEEP!

Kaya must have known something was wrong because the next morning she was back to her old self.  She has taken Jacy under her wing and allows Jacy to bite her ear stub, jump on her while she is sleeping, and everything else that comes along with being an older sister.  She will sit with me when I am holding Jacy and I know she isn’t mad at me anymore.  I still haven’t had any good sleep, but things are definitely looking up.

This whole experience has really made me reflect on having children.  At least I wanted a puppy, and so the struggle and disruption is something I can accept.  What will happen if I have a baby that is even more disruptive than a puppy?  Will I resent the baby too?  What will happen if I adopt older children that will also disrupt and turn my life upside down?  Will I cope with that any better?  So many questions, but still no answers.

I will try to keep blogging as I find a new routine and rhythm in life and hope there will be no more puppy tears.