All Entries in the "Relationships" Category
“Happy Wife: Happy Life”
Leslie decided to stop blogging for a while as she made new discoveries about herself and codependency. I took it as an opportunity to take a break also but as she has had several people contact her wanting to discuss symptoms and such I thought it might be time to put my two cents in again. Leslie has been awesome the last couple of months. Earlier in the year I was feeling the pressure and weight of her depression in our marriage. It was making me feel down and incapable of helping the person I really love. I felt overwhelmed and really didn’t know what I should do. What I did know was that our marriage will not be a productive and happy one if we don’t figure out how to overcome this problem. We escaped to Australia earlier this year to spend time with my family. For me it was a time to just do nothing and think about nothing. I was exhausted from work and from Leslie’s depression and other symptoms. Since coming home I believe that Australia trip to be a life changer. Leslie figured out that she was codependent and started to research and learn about it. She has been helping me understand it and watching her come to terms with her life experiences with determination to change the way she thinks has been inspiring. In addition to that she started trying acupuncture as a method to reduce her allergy symptoms. This treatment includes NAET principles of energy manipulation. The way I understand it is that your body is out of balance with things around you causing allergic reactions. Leslie is allergic to everything. Since starting these treatments she has been cured from eggs, milk, lactose and histamine. It makes me so happy to know that my Leslie is going to be able to be free from a vast majority of her allergies over the next few ears as she continues her treatment. In addition to these two different changes in her life there is a significant third- and that’s the sun, it came out.
I asked Leslie a week ago or so if she was depressed and she said no. I would have to affirm that statement. She hasn’t been acting depressed and I haven’t felt it effecting my moods negatively at all. She has been visibly happier which really puts a smile on my face. Is the journey still going to be difficult, you bet but at least we are heading in the right direction. I believe eliminating just 50% of her allergies will increase her ability to manage her depression. With her new found discoveries of codependency she is working at adjusting the way she thinks so she can become mentally stronger. I don’t know the role the sun plays in all of this but I know it helps so bring it on.
I’m hoping to have her completly cured of everthing by Christmas……is that to optimistic?
“More than your biochemistry…”
This article was on the Psychology Today website. The author believes that “Depression is more a social problem than a medical one, and no purely biological cure will be found for it any more than biology alone will cure other social ills such as poverty or child abuse”.
I think this is an interesting theory and one that I definitely buy into. In the last month of improvements I’ve seen in my life, my medication dosages have not changed, but my attitude has- and this has improved my relationship with Tareak and my view of myself.
Let’s Expand Our View of Depression: You’re More Than Your Biochemistry
The costs of depression on a variety of levels are huge: Marriages and families splinter, individuals suffer, societies suffer the consequences of the often destructive behaviors of people coping badly or not at all with their depression, businesses suffer the negative effects of employees too disabled to function properly, the economic costs of greater health care expenses are greater for depressed patients, and there is the tragedy of suicide – lives lost to despair and apathy. Depression is a terribly disabling disorder, and despite significant advances in treatment, the problem continues to grow.
Depression is a multi-dimensional disorder. It has biological components based in genetics, neurochemistry and physical health, it has psychological components that involve many individual factors such as cognitive style, coping style, and qualities of personal behavior. And, it has social components, factors that are mediated by the quality of one’s relationships, including such variables as the family and the culture one is socialized into, and one’s range of social skills. The best, most accurate answer to the basic question, “What causes depression?” is, “Many things.”
Currently, the medical model of depression receives the greatest attention for a variety of reasons. The pharmaceutical industry in particular has invested tens of billions of dollars in advertising to the public as well as investing directly in individual physicians, encouraging all to define depression as a disease caused by a neurochemical imbalance that requires medication to manage. The lion’s share of research money goes to drug research, further elevating drugs to the status of being the source of hope for everyone who suffers depression. As a result, antidepressants are the most widely prescribed medication in the U.S., and are considered a first-line treatment approach, de-emphasizing the value of psychotherapy despite its success not only in treatment, but in the area of prevention.
It may sound extreme to some, but I stand by this statement: Depression is more a social problem than a medical one, and no purely biological cure will be found for it any more than biology alone will cure other social ills such as poverty or child abuse. This is not to say that antidepressant medications shouldn’t be a part of treatment, especially in those specific instances where there are clear benefits medication can provide over psychotherapy. Rather, medications should be used more carefully and with an associated recommendation for a well-considered skill-building psychotherapy.
The social side of depression is especially important, yet is terribly under-considered in most people’s consideration. We know, for example, that depression runs in families: The child of a depressed parent is anywhere from three to six times more likely to become depressed than the child of a non-depressed parent. The genetics research makes it quite clear that it isn’t entirely – or even mostly – faulty genes responsible, especially since there is no “depression gene.” It has more to do with the patterns of thinking, coping, behaving, and relating that parents (and other significant role models in our society) model day in and day out than it does one’s genetic makeup. When you have the largest demographic group of depression sufferers now raising children, it should surprise no one that their children are the fastest growing group of depression sufferers. After all, parents can’t teach their children what they don’t know.
Furthermore, the more distressed one’s marriage, the more likely one is to either already be or to become depressed. The quality of one’s marriage is a very large risk factor, yet many people never consider how powerful a good marriage can be in helping insulate its members against depression. These points provide excellent reasons to want to strengthen parents and marriages.
To think of depression as only an individual’s biochemical disorder, as if he or she isn’t a product of powerful social forces that operate in families, organizations, and cultures, or to reduce it even further to a purely biochemical phenomenon, is so terribly reductionistic as to disempower the very people who need help changing their lives, not just their brain chemistry. It’s true: You are more than your biochemistry.
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Facebook Social Anxiety
Since much of my social interaction these days is limited to the computer, it would make sense that there would also be some social anxiety involved. I always have a tremendous amount of anxiety when I request for someone to be my “friend” on Facebook. Many times the requests are to people that I haven’t seen or talked to in many years. I start wondering:
“Are they going to think I’m a nerd for asking them to be my friend?”
“Were they really my friend years ago, or were they just humoring me and are now glad not to have contact with me?”
“Why haven’t they already requested my friendship?”
“I was never really good friends with them, only an acquaintance. Am I being too forward in assuming they want to be my friend?”
“Are they just going to think I’m nosey and want to see their profile and know that I really don’t want to be their friend?”
Once I muster up the courage to ask them to be my friend (I often feel like a pathetic little child begging for friendship) the waiting game begins. If they haven’t responded to my request in 24 hours I start wondering:
“Maybe they don’t use Facebook that often and they just haven’t seen my request.”
“They are probably telling all their “real” friends about the request they just got from Leslie and are having a good laugh because I thought we could be friends.”
“Maybe they don’t want to be my friend.”
Then once they accept my friend request my mind still can’t rest. It is plagued with questions like:
“Did they just accept my friend request because they didn’t want to make me feel bad?”
“Am I one of those people they accept as a friend but then never look at my profile because they don’t care enough to see what I’m up to?”
I also have anxiety when some people ask me to be their friend. I accept the friend request 99% of the time, but everyone falls into a certain category in my mind. The categories are as follows:
-There are the people that I am genuinely excited to make contact with. I usually send them an e-mail or short message after accepting them as a friend because I am so excited to hear from them. When I don’t receive one of these “I’m so excited to hear from you…” messages from people I request as friends I assume they are just accepting my friendship out of pity.
-There are the people I haven’t heard from or talked to in years that I am happy to know still exist, but I have no idea what to say to them or if they are looking for a full blown reunion, so I just quietly accept their request and check their profile every so often for any updates.
-There are people that request my friendship that I don’t even know, but know Tareak. Tareak can’t be bothered to create his own Facebook account, and so all of his friends request to be friends with me. I always check with him before adding them, and then on days when I’m feeling bad about myself I go into my Facebook account and count how many people are my friends and how many are Tareak’s, as though it is some sort of competition. I am always bummed that he has almost as many friend as I do and it isn’t even his account.
-Lastly there are the people that I would never consider requesting their friendship, but for whatever reason they want to be friends with me. I start asking myself, “Do they actually think we are friends?”, “Are they just trying to get a lot of friends by requesting friendship with everyone they have spoken to in their entire life?”, “Are they really curious enough about my life that they want access to my profile?- If so, I am kinda flattered in a strange way.”
Oh the dramas of having a Facebook account. Who knew it could be so complicated? I guess my life could be worse… =)
Australia trip
Leslie and I are having a great time in Australia. She genuinely looks and seems happier right now. The change in environment and spending more time with me may have contributed? I think the big thing is that we have a plan for the next three years. That plan is really simple and realistic. The thing that stresses Leslie out the most is our mortgage, or rather it is the thing that stresses me out the most which then stresses her out. The idea that my mortgage will take thirty years to pay off really bothers me, but since I’ve been in Australia I have worked out a new financial plan that will allow me to pay the house off in about 8 years. That idea really excites me and Leslie has noticed an improvement in my countenance. I don’t realize how my moods affect Leslie and it’s something I’m going to really have to work on. She has enough to worry about and doesn’t need me stressing out over our finances to make things worse, especially since we are not in a bad situation like so many people out there.
Leslie has been working with me here in Australia to help me understand her a lot better. Understanding her more deeply will help our relationship grow. It will help me better understand how I can help her best eliminate depression from her life so she can be that vibrant and happy woman that I know is waiting to escape her mental prison.