All Entries in the "Social Anxiety" Category

Baby vs. Paxil

Leslie and I talked about starting our family last week and it went well.  We were able to talk about it with out all the tears (OK there were a few).  I guess that additional 5 mg of Paxil is helping.  We also talked to her doctor about the effects of her medication on a baby if she were to get pregnant.  she said that Paxil is potentially dangerous and to look into other types of drugs that might not be as harmful.  As Much as I would like Leslie not to be on any drugs I accept that it will take a lot longer then previously thought before that can happen. So a possible compromise will be a low dose of medication thorough the pregnancy.  The question is what is the right drug and how much.  Paxil helps Leslie with OCD, Trichotillomania , anxiety as well as depression.  By switching to something like  Zoloft or Prozac we are going to have to come up with a plan to tackle those other conditions.  For right now I’m doing a little research on the various drugs out their so I can get a better idea what type of direction we want to go in once Leslie is ready mentally for the challenge.

Stress is Good? I Don’t Get it!

My primary reason for coming to Hawaii was to attended an International Business Conference and network. It’s over and I felt like it was a success.  I met with the people I wanted and learned a lot from some very financially successful people.  While I have been thinking about all this business stuff, I found out that Leslie has wanted me to be able to switch out of business mode and vacation with her, her little sister and my brother.  In other words I need to be thinking of things to do that will entertain them.  I lived here for 6 years so there is nothing that I really feel I need to do while I’m here.  I just want to do nothing.  Isn’t that what a vacation is about?  Last night Leslie and I got into a discussion on a misunderstood expectation about what we would be doing when I’m not at the conference and I have to admit that I told her I was starting to stress out.  She was a little surprised so I explained all the things on my mind. Leslie wants to move back to Hawaii so I’ve been thinking about how I could make that happen, then there are my failed business ventures that I will have to let go of.  There are the new business ventures that might resurrect my my attempts at entrepreneurialship and then there is the entertaining of Leslie’s little sister and my older brother.  There are all my friends here in Hawaii that I haven’t seen and won’t get a chance to see and then there are the friends I have seen who want me to hang out with them but then I have to think about the best thing for the group.  I’m stressed out because at the end of the day I feel a need to  take care of the interests of the group before my own.

This is the kicker.  Leslie told me that not only am I stressed but that I’m suffering from a little anxiety as well.  Go figure, suffering from stress and anxiety in a place I love- Hawaii.  Well it gets more interesting.  Leslie is also feeling stressed about many of the things I mentioned above, and because we didn’t communitate our expectations on how we’d be spending our time, she has been a bit disappointed with our Hawaii vacation.  After finding out that I’m a little stressed she tells me that she is glad I verbalized my stresses because she had no idea I was feeling that way.  She also explained that it is good for her when I express these emotions because it forces her to focus on me instead of her own issues.  So in order for her to be stressed less about her own issues, I need to verbally be stressed more.  I’ll be honest I don’t quite get it (but I’m sure after reading this, she will sit me down and explain it again.  Most times when I feel a little stress I keep it to myself and work through it but if it will help Leslie reduce her anxiety and stress levels then I guess I will have to be stressed out verbally more often.

Hawaiian Sun, A Natural Remedy

A few weeks back I got an email about a business conference in where I went to college in Hawaii.  I told Leslie about it and she of course suggested we attend.  (What a great excuse.) The funny thing is a few days before that I had unknowingly scheduled my week vacation during the time of the conference.  Coincidence, I think not, more like Divine intervention if you ask me.  I was meant to come to Hawaii and participate in the conference and bring my lovely wife along.  Leslie has been begging to come back to Hawaii since we got married.  She often feels like this place has natural healing properties.

I left work at 4:00 am Monday morning to help Leslie get the last minute things ready for our trip.  It’s raining outside and she is excited to escape it’s dreary embrace.  At 7:00 am my mother-in-law drives up in the van with Leslie’s little sister who is coming with us.  My older brother, who is visiting, and I load the bags and off we go.  At the airport Mum (Australian spelling)-in-law gives everybody a hug and leaves. We get our bags checked in and Leslie asks me were is my laptop bag with all my business stuff. In my mind a flashing sign pops up with the words “You idiot” “Moron” “How could you forget the most important item?”.  Then the thought came to me that I hadn’t slept since 12:30 pm the previous day, that is 20+ hours without sleep.  (Not a good reason if you ask Leslie, but still a reason to me.)  Leslie’s mum didn’t have her cell phone with her, so we called her dad and woke him up to help us locate her.  To sum up the story we got a hold of her and and she came back to the airport. My older brother, Leslie’s little sister and I went through the security checks and on to the boarding area of our flight as we were listening to the a person page final boarding call for passengers traveling to Hawaii.  As the last passengers were boarding I got real nervous thinking Leslie’s wasn’t going to make it and I would have to fake a heart attack or something to stall the gates from closing.  Just as I was planning my theatrical performance I saw Leslie walking at top speed towards me. I took a deep breath, smiled and boarded the plan.

We haven’t really discussed it yet, but I felt quite a bit of anxiety building in me because of this forgetful mishap and I can only imagine what was going through Leslie’s mind.  One thing I do know is that since we landed in Hawaii and got settled into the place we are staying she has had an enormous smile on her face. Who needs antidepressant when you live in Hawaii.  We have only been here one day and she wants to move back here. Not a bad idea!  I will have to give it some thought, especially if it makes her naturally happier.

Nervous to Calm

Yesterday I sent out a mass e-mail to friends and family letting them know about this blog.  I had the e-mail written, all the contacts in the “To” field, and I couldn’t hit the “Send” button.  I was so nervous.  Tareak wasn’t expecting me to let everyone know about the blog so soon, and he told me to just wait until I felt better.  As I sat staring at the screen he started to feel the tension in the air and announced that he was now nervous too.  His wife was being exposed for her true self!  I finally closed my eyes and hit the button.  Tareak jumped up and gave me a “High-Five”.

Today I have received e-mails, phone calls and comments on this blog.  I have felt an outpouring of love and understanding and I now feel calm.  I want people to read my blog so they recognize they aren’t alone.  I’m excited to share more of my experiences in hopes that I will be able to help others along my journey as well as myself.

On a side note- I hope that people don’t see this blog as me complaining or looking for pity.  My mom mentioned that when my Grandma reads this blog she is going to be very worried about me.  There is nothing to worry about.  I am as happy as a depressed person can be.  I have a great family and a WONDERFUL husband who supports and loves me.  If you feel the slightest bit of pity for me- DON’T.

Another side note- Feel free to comment on the posts.  Since I hadn’t shared my blog with anyone yet, there were no comments until today.

Thanks to all those who have showed their love and support.  I have a renewed hope that this blog will help me with my self-therapy and hope that you all get something out of it as well.  =)