All Entries in the "Therapy" Category

“Damned if you don’t”

“What must I do to be damned?  Nothing.  That’s all.  You’re damned–condemned–
if you just sit still.  That is the law of this physical world.

“If you sit still long enough, you’ll never get up again. 
If you never lift your arm, you’ll soon be unable to raise it at all.
  If you remain in darkness and never use your eyes, you’ll soon become blind.

“It is the law in the mental world,  if you never exercise your brain– never read, 
study, nor talk to anyone, never permit anyone to talk to you, 
your mind will become blank– maybe you’ll become insane.

“The most horrible punishment that could be inflicted upon 
you is not twenty years of hard labor, but twenty years of solitary confinement.

“It’s the law in the spiritual world, simply shut your heart to all truth, 
and after a while you won’t be able to believe anything–
that is the severest penalty for not accepting the truth.

“The process of disintegration and death begins when a man 
shuts himself out from the forces that make for life.

“The body and mind and spirit are kept alive through constant constructive use.”

~Charles Steizle~

(Utah Labor News, December 12th, 1937)

I came across this quote today and it reminded me of depression.  When in a depressed state you can’t do anything physical, mental or spiritual- you don’t even want to do anything.  This beast of complete and all consuming inactivity takes over your life and there is only one way to escape, or at least begin to pry yourself free… and that is to do something, anything!

You don’t want to get out of bed.   You want to be able to sleep and escape it all by just lying there and doing NOTHING, but by forcing yourself to get out of bed (which wouldn’t be considered an accomplishment by most) you feel a twinge of hope, hope that maybe today will be a good day.

I’ve learned that as long as I do ONE thing each day (some days it is as simple as taking a shower or playing with the dogs and other days I can manage to actually leave the house or do a load of laundry) I am able to stay somewhat sane.  If I feel good after doing one thing that day, then I can decide if I’d like to do another, but if I don’t want to, that is OK.  I’ve given myself permission to only do ONE thing each day, and anything else is a bonus.

I get overwhelmed so easily and this is why I have a hard time seeing myself as a mother one day.  Right now it is okay if my “one thing” is to get in the shower.  If I have a kid I’ll need to feed, bathe, dress, and play with them until I can escape while they take a nap.  This is a whole lot more than “one thing”.  This is why it was so hard for me to work and go to school.  Work was one thing and school was another  and some days I could only manage to do one of them, and some days none because I was so overwhelmed I had to “check out” of life.

So like Mr. Charles Steizle said, I’ll just keep on doing at least one thing every day so that I won’t be “damned” to the hell that is depression.

My Declaration of Dependence

I started taking Paxil just before I turned 19 years old.  The main reasons I started taking it was to help with my social anxiety, OCD, and also in hopes that it would help my trichotillomania (which it didn’t).  The doctor explained to me that since I was still young, the Paxil could help train my brain to think and process in a new way.  The hope was that after a few years I would be able to stop taking Paxil and my brain would have re-wired itself in such a way that I would no longer need it.  I tried a couple times to lower my dosage and wean off of Paxil, but each time I recognized the need my brain had for the drug.  It helped, and still helps control my obsessive thoughts.  I am now able to find the “Pause” button on my brain and allow myself to just stop obsessing about things.  Pre-Paxil, this wasn’t possible.  It also helps me think more rationally when I get anxious.  I accept that I may never be able to stop using Paxil and that is okay with me.

I have now been taking Wellbutrin for 2 months.  I am officially addicted to this drug and I love it!  A day hasn’t passed that I didn’t accomplish something that I could have never accomplished pre-Wellbutrin.  Earlier this week I slept late and was in a bit of a “blah” mood.  It took me back to the feeling that I experienced on a daily basis for the past few years.  I NEVER want to experience that feeling regularly EVER again.  I found myself in complete  amazement that I put up with that feeling for so long and never did anything about it.  Such is the trouble with depression- you know what needs to be done, but you just can’t do it no matter how much you want to change.

Tareak has finally learned how to keep up with me and my new found motivation and energy.   We are both more productive than we have ever been throughout our marriage.  It has been great for both of us to get to know this new side of each other.  I officially declare my dependence on both Paxil and Wellbutrin- and I am not ashamed.

In LOVE with my purple pill….

On January 30th, 2010 I took my first dose of Wellbutrin (well, the generic form, Bupropion).  My doctor recommended that I start with 150mg once a day.  This dose only lasts 12 hours.  One of the side effects of Wellbutrin is insomnia, so I only take one pill in the morning so I am able to sleep at night.  I am still taking 15mg of Paxil daily, and since Paxil lasts 24 hours, I am covered 24/7.

This little purple pill has completely turned my life upside down and Tareak wonders what happened to his wife.  I have energy.  I get tons done every day.  I have motivation.  I talk a lot more.  And best of all, I don’t feel depressed!  Tareak has only ever known the placid and emotionless Leslie, and now he is having a hard time keeping up with me!  NEVER, in a million years did I think this was possible.

I am kicking myself for waiting so long to try this medication.  I feel like I wasted the last 4 years of my life and now I can’t get them back.  I guess with all the extra energy I have I’ll just have to make up for lost time!  Time to go get to work…….

Medication Update

Throughout the year of 2009 I took several different vitamins and supplements.  I began taking many of them during Spring, when the sun was coming out more often.  Because of the timing I was never sure if it was the sun or the medications that were making me feel better.

I was taking the following daily to help with depression:

Vitamin C- 1000 mg
Vitamin D- 1000 iu
Fish Oil- 2000 mg

The sun has now hidden itself away until next year, and so I hesitantly decided to do an experiment.  I am still taking 15mg daily of Paxil, but as of 3 weeks ago I have stopped taking everything else.  Tareak and I haven’t noticed any changes in mood or behavior.  As much as I’d like to think they were helping, it seems as though they weren’t doing much.

About three months ago I started taking 2000 mg daily of N-acetylcysteine, for trichotillomania.  Unfortunately I didn’t notice any changes or improvements in my trichotillomania.  I was very hopeful that it would be the breakthrough I needed, but considering there is no cure for trichotillomania to date, I’m not surprised that it didn’t help.

I plan to start seeing a counselor early next year and may try switching to or adding Wellbutrin.  My depression is currently under control, but I still feel like I am just “surviving”, and not really living.