Turning 29 is having an unexpected effect on me.  I have this overwhelming sense of anxiety and urgency.  I feel like I’m so far behind  where a “normal” 29 year old should be.  The driving force is the fact that I don’t have any kids and am not pregnant.  Because Tareak wants children so badly I’ve felt like a ticking time bomb since the moment we got married.  Unfortunately for Tareak I have an expiration date.  I can’t take all the time I need to figure out my issues with having children.  I have a deadline, and that deadline is quickly approaching.

I lowered my dose of Paxil  last month to 10mg.  10mg of Paxil doesn’t really do much, I’ve just been trying to ween myself off.  I wish I could say that the decrease of dosage didn’t have any effect on me, but my trichotillomania has increased (Paxil is often prescribed to treat trichotillomania) and I have had several minor panic attacks.

I am to the point where if I look 30 years in the future I want to have children be a part of that future.  It is frustrating to not feel like I am capable of making that happen.  It is even more frustrating to celebrate a birthday, that in the birthday world shouldn’t be that big of a deal, and not feel like I have anything to celebrate.  It is only a reminder of how quickly time is slipping away and how far I am from where I want to be.

I was taking the following daily to help with depression:

Vitamin C- 1000 mg
Vitamin D- 1000 iu
Fish Oil- 2000 mg

The sun has now hidden itself away until next year, and so I hesitantly decided to do an experiment.  I am still taking 15mg daily of Paxil, but as of 3 weeks ago I have stopped taking everything else.  Tareak and I haven’t noticed any changes in mood or behavior.  As much as I’d like to think they were helping, it seems as though they weren’t doing much.

About three months ago I started taking 2000 mg daily of N-acetylcysteine, for trichotillomania.  Unfortunately I didn’t notice any changes or improvements in my trichotillomania.  I was very hopeful that it would be the breakthrough I needed, but considering there is no cure for trichotillomania to date, I’m not surprised that it didn’t help.

I plan to start seeing a counselor early next year and may try switching to or adding Wellbutrin.  My depression is currently under control, but I still feel like I am just “surviving”, and not really living.

This article described a small study done with 50 people.  They used an over-the-counter antioxidant called N-acetylcysteine to assist in the treatment of trichotillomania symptoms.  There was an over 50% success rate in comparison to the 16% success rate in the group receiving the placebo. N-acetylcysteine (abbreviated NAC), is a pharmaceutical drug used mainly as a Mucolytic agent and in the management of paracetamol (acetaminophen) overdose, but it has shown to be somewhat effective in treating OCD and is undergoing clinical trials.

The article “theorizes that trichotillomania may be a kind of grooming irregularity that falls into the obsessive-compulsive family of disorders. “Some parrots pull out all their feathers,” he says. “Some mice pull out all their fur.”"

“That may explain why the antioxidant N-acetylcysteine can help prevent it. The compound is thought to work by reducing the synaptic release of a neurotransmitter called glutamate. As Grant told me, glutamate is the communication chemical that “tells the brain, ‘Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!’ And the rest of the brain can be overwhelmed by this drive state.” Reduce glutamate and you may reduce the drive state. Previous studies have suggested the supplement may also reduce urges to use cocaine and to gamble.”

My trichotillomania symptoms had been getting worse since getting a puppy.  My stress levels have been considerably higher and I’ve been functioning on less sleep.  About 2 weeks ago Tareak and I picked up some NAC and I’ve been taking it daily.  I probably won’t notice any difference for another couple months, but hopefully it will help!

The article discusses the mystery of trichotillomania in that the psychiatric community has a hard time classifying the disease.  The article states:
“It’s called trichotillomania, or “trich” for short. Although trich is treated as a psychiatric illness, the latest evidence suggests that it’s not a “bad habit” like biting your nails or cracking your knuckles, or even an obsessive compulsive disorder.
Trich may have more in common with Tourette’s syndrome, a neurological disorder characterized by repetitive, involuntary movements or vocalizations called “tics.”
“Trichotillomania is such a medical mystery because we still know very little about the genetics and biology of it,” says Dr. Nancy Keuthen, who heads a trichotillomania clinic in Boston.
According to the Trichotillomania Learning Center (TLC), up to 11 million people in the U.S. suffer from the uncontrollable urge to pull out their own hair, eyebrows, even their eyelashes.
“They may spend hours in front of a mirror in these very odd postures trying to locate that one hair that they know is there that they feel doesn’t belong,” Keuthen said.

While researching this disease, or gene mutation, or whatever it is- I felt very lucky to only have a mild condition.  While it is embarrassing to usually not have any eyelashes I feel fortunate that I am able to control the impulses enough that I don’t need to wear wigs or go to other extreme measures.

I have however started to wear headbands on occasion to hold down the newly grown hairs that were recently pulled out.  Instead of focusing on why I am wearing the headband, Tareak is always quick to comment how cute he thinks my new hair style is.  I am very lucky to have a supportive and optimistic husband.  The video is about 9 minutes long, but shows clearly the pain and embarrasment usually associated with this disorder.  Click Here to watch the video.