Codependency Definition

Mental Health America’s Definition of Codependency:

“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.”

Leslie’s Definition of Codependence:

“According to most definitions codependence is something you develop after having a screwed up childhood and then you enter into a destructive romantic relationship.  I hesitate to use these definitions because I wouldn’t class my childhood as “screwed up” or my relationship with Tareak “destructive”.  With that being said, I define codependence as forgetting who you are.  Codependents are so focused on winning the approval of others they lose their own identities along the way.”

CODA (Codependents Anonymous) List of Symptoms:

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Leslie’s Symptoms of Codependency:

Denial Patterns:
-I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling (I am always “Fine”)
-I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others (I have a mild form of a “Savior Complex”)

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
-I have difficulty making decisions (only when they involve other people- I want to make sure I don’t upset anyone).
-I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.” (I will never live up to my own expectations- and no one else will either)
-I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires (I just expect them to know how).
-I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person (I have no idea why Tareak puts up with me and all my issues).

Compliance Patterns:
-I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
-I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want (and after doing this for so long have forgotten what my interests and hobbies are)

Control Patterns:
-I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves (without my help)
-I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel (I am convinced that I know what Tareak is really thinking or feeling and it doesn’t matter what he says- I just think he is lying)
-I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked (I am BOSSY)
-I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others (Because why else would they want to be my friend?)