Marriage + Depression + Moving = A Total Disaster
2011 has been an emotional roller-coaster. Tareak and I were so excited to move to Atlanta and settle into some new routines. We were excited for a change of scenery. We were excited to get into real estate. We were excited to move out of the room above the garage at my parent’s house!
Our almost 3000 mile drive to Atlanta with 2 dogs wasn’t as bad as we anticipated it would be. We almost died once, but other than that it was smooth sailing. Upon arriving in Atlanta the biggest snowstorm in recent history struck. Under normal circumstances this would have been fun and exciting for me. We had an air mattress (thankfully) and a couple of blankets to sustain us in our rental house for a WEEK! We were snowed into the house and our POD was stranded due to the storm. I should have known that this was an omen of bad things to come.
Unfortunately things only went downhill from this point. My depression was increasing and this was creating a huge strain in our marriage. Tareak was stressed with his new job and was gone 15+ hours/day. He felt bad leaving me home, without a car, in my depressed state, but there weren’t many options available to us. We realized that unlike a lot of couples, we get along best when we spend every waking hour together. We were spending about 1/2 hr together each day and somehow managed to argue more than we had during our entire marriage combined. For the first time we were seriously considering separation.
To make a really long story short, we left Atlanta after being there 2 months and got back in the car and drove 3000 miles back to Washington state. Some would say we didn’t give Atlanta a chance. Some would say we shouldn’t have gone in the first place. We did the only thing we could do to save our marriage. The moral of the story, “DO NOT MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH A DEPRESSED SPOUSE IF YOU DON’T HAVE A SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE”. Moving is stressful for anyone, but for someone who suffers from depression it can be a breaking point.
Looking back (isn’t hindsight great?), I think we could have made the big move work with a few minor changes.
1- Put a support system into place before you even move. Your spouse will be your #1 support person, and they need to understand and accept this. It is easy to tell yourself, “I’ll be fine.” I was excited about the move and so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. I needed human interaction. I was depressed; I wasn’t going to go and try to make friends with the neighbors. I didn’t even want to answer my phone. Ask friends and family to call and check up on you on a regular basis. Then have your spouse follow up with them to make sure the phone calls are happening. While I might not have wanted to answer the phone once I went into a depressed state, I would have felt obligated because I was the one that asked for help in the first place.
2- Get settled before starting the new job. Because Tareak was working such long hours, we didn’t have time to do much of anything. In an ideal world I could have set up utilities, etc… while he was at work, but my anxiety (especially about phone calls) made me pretty much useless. Unpack the basic necessities. Set up your bank account. Set up all your utilities. Change your vehicle registration. Buy a second car. Get new drivers licenses. Learn how to get to the grocery store. The list goes on and on, but you get the idea. None of these things were taken care of before Tareak started work and that created a lot of unnecessary stress and tension in our home.
3- Meet the locals. For someone with social anxiety this suggestion is laughable. I’m about as friendly and outgoing as a rock. I do however attend church weekly. This was extremely uncomfortable to do in a new environment surrounded by new people, but I made myself go. Did I talk to anyone at church? Not if I could help it. I did the best I could to sneak in and out without ever actually having to speak. We attended church about 1/2 dozen times in Atlanta and I will admit that near the end it wasn’t quite as scary and faces starting becoming familiar. In time I think I could have been more comfortable and maybe even made a friend.
4- Make sure you are both seeing and understanding the whole situation. The long hours Tareak was working came as a surprise to both of us. Had I known that he would be working such long hours I could have perhaps prepared myself better mentally. Because we weren’t spending a lot of time together, Tareak had no idea why he would come home to a depressed wife every day. He took my mental state personally and felt responsible for “fixing” me. It took a while for him to realize that the highlight of my day was when he got home from work and couldn’t understand why I’d get upset when he just wanted to sit in front of the TV and unwind. It took me a while to understand that he had been gone for 15 hours and to expect a happy peppy husband who was ready to conquer the huge list of “to-dos” wasn’t realistic.
Could we have made things work in Atlanta? I guess we’ll never know. In order to move back to Washington Tareak had to resign from his job and we are now living on our savings. But you know what? We have never been happier. I love having my best friend and support system around 24/7, and he is finally making the time to explore his entrepreneurial dreams and talents. Life is good…Finally.
