Depressed Les

Medication Update

Throughout the year of 2009 I took several different vitamins and supplements.  I began taking many of them during Spring, when the sun was coming out more often.  Because of the timing I was never sure if it was the sun or the medications that were making me feel better.

I was taking the following daily to help with depression:

Vitamin C- 1000 mg
Vitamin D- 1000 iu
Fish Oil- 2000 mg

The sun has now hidden itself away until next year, and so I hesitantly decided to do an experiment.  I am still taking 15mg daily of Paxil, but as of 3 weeks ago I have stopped taking everything else.  Tareak and I haven’t noticed any changes in mood or behavior.  As much as I’d like to think they were helping, it seems as though they weren’t doing much.

About three months ago I started taking 2000 mg daily of N-acetylcysteine, for trichotillomania.  Unfortunately I didn’t notice any changes or improvements in my trichotillomania.  I was very hopeful that it would be the breakthrough I needed, but considering there is no cure for trichotillomania to date, I’m not surprised that it didn’t help.

I plan to start seeing a counselor early next year and may try switching to or adding Wellbutrin.  My depression is currently under control, but I still feel like I am just “surviving”, and not really living.

History of Codependence

I was looking through old journals last night and came across a poem I wrote back in 2004.  I have probably written about 3 poems in my whole life and in no way consider myself a poet, but I thought I needed to share it:

“Can’t Let Go”

I gain nothing from this but hurt and pain
so why do I feel the need to remain?
I want to be free from the ties that bind
But am afraid of what I then will find.
A reality that I have been abused
By willing letting myself be used.
I have given it my all, & they have confided,
But now I am alone & it was all one-sided.
I can see now how often I was disrespected,
Pushed aside and even neglected.
I thought I was helping and we had a connection,
But I can see it wasn’t so, upon reflection.
Now I am stuck & not even in control
And reality has started to take it’s toll.
Treated as un-important, this I know,
So I don’t understand why I can’t let go.
-Leslie-  11/11/2004

After reading the poem, I realized that before I even knew the word “Codependence” existed, I was aware that I was suffering unnecessarily.  It is no wonder that I have struggled with depression my whole life.  At some subconscious level I always knew that I wasn’t in healthy relationships and was allowing myself to be treated without respect.  How can someone feel good about themselves when they know they are acting destructively?  For this reason I feel it is important for me to develop a better sense of self-worth and work on overcoming my codependence so I will be in a better position to handle coping with my depression.

N-acetylcysteine

A few weeks ago Tareak came across an article describing a treatment for Trichotillomania.  Currently there is no cure for Trichotillomania, but there are some different ways it can be managed.

This article described a small study done with 50 people.  They used an over-the-counter antioxidant called N-acetylcysteine to assist in the treatment of trichotillomania symptoms.  There was an over 50% success rate in comparison to the 16% success rate in the group receiving the placebo. N-acetylcysteine (abbreviated NAC), is a pharmaceutical drug used mainly as a Mucolytic agent and in the management of paracetamol (acetaminophen) overdose, but it has shown to be somewhat effective in treating OCD and is undergoing clinical trials.

The article “theorizes that trichotillomania may be a kind of grooming irregularity that falls into the obsessive-compulsive family of disorders. “Some parrots pull out all their feathers,” he says. “Some mice pull out all their fur.”"

“That may explain why the antioxidant N-acetylcysteine can help prevent it. The compound is thought to work by reducing the synaptic release of a neurotransmitter called glutamate. As Grant told me, glutamate is the communication chemical that “tells the brain, ‘Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!’ And the rest of the brain can be overwhelmed by this drive state.” Reduce glutamate and you may reduce the drive state. Previous studies have suggested the supplement may also reduce urges to use cocaine and to gamble.”

My trichotillomania symptoms had been getting worse since getting a puppy.  My stress levels have been considerably higher and I’ve been functioning on less sleep.  About 2 weeks ago Tareak and I picked up some NAC and I’ve been taking it daily.  I probably won’t notice any difference for another couple months, but hopefully it will help!

Hide and Seek

I was hiding under the desk, in the space where you tuck the chair away.  I could hear them counting.  “100… 99….98…. 2… 1…. Ready or not, here I come!”  Pleased with my hiding spot I stayed tucked away.  I heard cries of “Found You!”, but still my hiding spot was secure.  The sounds of children running and their laughter died away and there was silence.  “They must be listening for me,” I thought.  I waited and waited.  Where was everyone?  It seemed like hours had passed.  I finally emerged from my hiding spot and no one was in sight.  My mom was in the kitchen.  I quietly asked her if the kids were still looking for me, not wanting to be seen.  Looking confused she replied, “Everyone is in the back yard playing.”  I walked away wondering, “Was my hiding spot so good they couldn’t find me?”  I tried to reassure myself this was the case, but deep down I knew they had just forgotten about me and couldn’t be bothered to look.  I felt hurt.  I tucked that pain away and joined everyone in the back yard pretending like nothing had happened.

I don’t know why this memory emerged today.  In learning about codependence and thinking about the role it has played in my life, I realize it has been my constant companion even before depression entered the picture.  I remember feeling so confused that no one had come to look for me while playing Hide and Seek.  Because I was codependent, even as a small child, I was very aware of everyone and always knew what was going on, and naturally assumed everyone else was the same way.  I think this was the first time I realized that I was different.  But I didn’t look at myself in a bad way- I thought everyone else was horrible because they didn’t care as much as I did.  They didn’t notice the things that I noticed.  This feeling has carried through into my adulthood.

There have been several times in my young marriage that I thought Tareak was just a horrible insensitive guy.  I couldn’t grasp how he didn’t notice or take care of my needs.  I would think, “Am I seriously going to have to spell this out for him?  How can he not see what I need?  It is so obvious.”  And if I did have to spell it out for him, then anything he did “didn’t count”- because I had  to tell him to do it.  I wanted him to notice my needs like I noticed his.  I wanted him to be so attentive that he was always one step ahead of me, anticipating my every need.

In learning about codependence I have realized that I am the unhealthy one in this relationship.  It isn’t normal to focus so much on someone else that you forget who you are and what you like.  Even though I know that he is the healthy one, I still have feelings of frustration and resentment that he isn’t as attentive as I am.  Knowing that it is my codependence that makes me this way helps me keep my feeling and emotions in check, but it doesn’t change them.  There is still a big part of me that is that little girl hiding under the desk, just waiting for someone to care enough to come and find me and make sure I am okay.