“Can’t Let Go”

I gain nothing from this but hurt and pain
so why do I feel the need to remain?
I want to be free from the ties that bind
But am afraid of what I then will find.
A reality that I have been abused
By willing letting myself be used.
I have given it my all, & they have confided,
But now I am alone & it was all one-sided.
I can see now how often I was disrespected,
Pushed aside and even neglected.
I thought I was helping and we had a connection,
But I can see it wasn’t so, upon reflection.
Now I am stuck & not even in control
And reality has started to take it’s toll.
Treated as un-important, this I know,
So I don’t understand why I can’t let go.
-Leslie-  11/11/2004

After reading the poem, I realized that before I even knew the word “Codependence” existed, I was aware that I was suffering unnecessarily.  It is no wonder that I have struggled with depression my whole life.  At some subconscious level I always knew that I wasn’t in healthy relationships and was allowing myself to be treated without respect.  How can someone feel good about themselves when they know they are acting destructively?  For this reason I feel it is important for me to develop a better sense of self-worth and work on overcoming my codependence so I will be in a better position to handle coping with my depression.

I don’t know why this memory emerged today.  In learning about codependence and thinking about the role it has played in my life, I realize it has been my constant companion even before depression entered the picture.  I remember feeling so confused that no one had come to look for me while playing Hide and Seek.  Because I was codependent, even as a small child, I was very aware of everyone and always knew what was going on, and naturally assumed everyone else was the same way.  I think this was the first time I realized that I was different.  But I didn’t look at myself in a bad way- I thought everyone else was horrible because they didn’t care as much as I did.  They didn’t notice the things that I noticed.  This feeling has carried through into my adulthood.

There have been several times in my young marriage that I thought Tareak was just a horrible insensitive guy.  I couldn’t grasp how he didn’t notice or take care of my needs.  I would think, “Am I seriously going to have to spell this out for him?  How can he not see what I need?  It is so obvious.”  And if I did have to spell it out for him, then anything he did “didn’t count”- because I had  to tell him to do it.  I wanted him to notice my needs like I noticed his.  I wanted him to be so attentive that he was always one step ahead of me, anticipating my every need.

In learning about codependence I have realized that I am the unhealthy one in this relationship.  It isn’t normal to focus so much on someone else that you forget who you are and what you like.  Even though I know that he is the healthy one, I still have feelings of frustration and resentment that he isn’t as attentive as I am.  Knowing that it is my codependence that makes me this way helps me keep my feeling and emotions in check, but it doesn’t change them.  There is still a big part of me that is that little girl hiding under the desk, just waiting for someone to care enough to come and find me and make sure I am okay.

I asked Leslie a week ago or so if she was depressed and she said no. I would have to affirm that statement.  She hasn’t been acting depressed and I haven’t felt it effecting my moods negatively at all. She has been visibly happier which really puts a smile on my face.  Is the journey still going to be difficult, you bet but at least we are heading in the right direction. I believe eliminating just 50% of her allergies will increase her ability to manage her depression.  With her new found discoveries of codependency she is working at adjusting the way she thinks so she can become mentally stronger.  I don’t know the role the sun plays in all of this but I know it helps so bring it on.

I’m hoping to have her completly cured of everthing by Christmas……is that to optimistic?

I was a burnt tree.  There wasn’t any visible life left in me.  I couldn’t see the point in trying to repair something that seemed beyond hope.  In the past month I have felt the stirrings of life inside of me and it has now sprouted to the point it is visible to others.  I am able to get out of bed without any internal resistance.  I feel like I have more energy.  My relationship with Tareak has significantly improved.  Overall I just feel BETTER!  So what has changed?

While in Australia I noticed something for the first time.  In conversations with others, I had very little to say about myself or my experiences.  I did have a lot to say about Tareak though.  My curiosity was peaked and I began to do some research.  I started seeing words and phrases like, “Codependence”, “White Knight Syndrome”, “Obsessive Love”, “Overdependence”.  Basically what I was seeing is that I had a low self-worth.  This is different from self-esteem.  Because I didn’t see much worth in myself, it became easy to put anything and everything before my own wants and NEEDS.  I had convinced myself that by completely focusing on the needs and wants of others I could find self worth and they would value me because I had helped them so much.  The more I read, the more I realized this is a serious condition.  It is a disease.  An addiction.  “Oh Great!”  I thought, “Just another ailment to add to my list”.  I’ve read three books on the subject now, and have learned that while it is a serious condition, it is treatable.  This is where the stirrings of hope and new life began.

My allergies this year have seemed worse than usual.  During all waking hours I am an itchy sniffly mess.  My sister suggested acupuncture for allergies and I thought “Why not?  Nothing else is working.”  I found an acupuncturist that specializes in getting rid of allergies.  I went to my appointment with zero expectations.  I found that she actually uses a technique called “NAET” which is a mixture of acupuncture, kinesthetics, chiropractics, etc…  Had I researched the technique ahead of time I would have never made the appointment because the results sound too good to be true.  I have only had 2 appointment and have been treated for my allergy to eggs and lactose.  NAET suggests that most ailments are caused by underlying allergies in the body and if those allergies are eliminated the ailment will clear up.  It claims to heal depression, anxiety, OCD, and a huge list of other problems.  Had I not seen the definite improvements after my two appointments I would be skeptical, but now I have hope.  The idea of being allergy free is more than I ever thought possible.

It is almost summer.  We have had a warm and sunny spring.  The sun is healing.  The sun makes me happy to get out of bed.  I have also been taking Vitamin D supplements for a month and have noticed a change in my mood.  I don’t know if it is just the weather, or if the Vitamin D is helping, but I have no complaints either way.

Between learning about co-dependence, how to treat my allergies and the healing effects of the sun and Vitamin D, I am feeling good.  I still have several books to read on my conditions, but I think I am off to a good start.  Hopefully you won’t even recognize me in a few months.  Instead of a burnt stump I will be a huge green tree oozing with new life.