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	<title>Depressed Les&#187; Dogs</title>
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	<description>Depressed Trichotillomaniac with Social Anxiety</description>
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		<title>I Moved Across the Country, and I&#8217;m Not Doing Well</title>
		<link>http://www.depressedles.com/i-moved-across-the-country-and-im-not-doing-well/</link>
		<comments>http://www.depressedles.com/i-moved-across-the-country-and-im-not-doing-well/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 26 Jan 2011 22:06:46 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Leslie</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Codependence]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[alone]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[angry]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Dogs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[lonely]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[moving]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[purpose]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[struggle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[working]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.depressedles.com/?p=736</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I&#8217;m not doing very well. I thought I had mentally prepared for the move, and that part of it I was prepared for. I feel like I&#8217;ve coped and adjusted pretty well. I can survive living out of suitcases and boxes. In both Hawaii and Guatemala I had to live pretty minimalistically and I did [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">I&#8217;m not doing very well.<br />
I thought I had mentally prepared for the move, and that part of it I was prepared for.  I feel like I&#8217;ve coped and adjusted pretty well.  I can survive living out of suitcases and boxes.  In both Hawaii and Guatemala I had to live pretty minimalistically and I did just fine.  In fact I&#8217;ve lived in a rather un-settled state for about 9 of the last 11 years.  I can survive in unfamiliar territory with new customs, new surroundings, etc&#8230;  There is one thing however that I didn&#8217;t anticipate.  Loneliness.<br />
I have always enjoyed being by myself and not being caught up in an active social life that consumes me.  For this reason I thought I would be fine.  I overlooked a couple of key facts.  Once I left home and moved to Hawaii I had roommates.  About 90% of the time I was home, there was always someone else there as well.  I enjoyed the moments I had the house to myself and would clean and bake and just unwind.  In 2005 I moved back home and lived with my family.  Again, there were always people around.<br />
In 2007 I got married.  Tareak started a new job and was working LONG hours.  It was the first time in my life I was alone.  You&#8217;d think that by getting married you wouldn&#8217;t feel so lonely, but I felt lonelier than ever because he was working 12+ hours/day.  He recognized I wasn&#8217;t doing well and got me my saving grace, Kaya.  He swore he would never have a dog, at least not an inside dog, but seeing my need he put aside his concerns and got me a companion to be by my side (literally) while he was away.  Over time his work schedule changed and instead of working such long hours, he worked crazy hours.  He worked nights for a couple years and then worked weekends after that.  Although the hours were anything but normal, they allowed him to spend a lot more time at home.  We both enjoyed the time and could at least temporarily deal with the strange hours.<br />
In 2010 we decided it was time for Tareak to pursue a different career and also that it was time to move.  We packed up our things, sold our house and moved in with my parents for what was supposed to be a couple of weeks.  A couple of weeks turned into a couple of months and 8 months later we were on our way to Atlanta.  While staying with my parents Tareak was working on a special project at work.  Many weeks the project required him to work 60+ hours/week, but most weeks required less than 20 hours.   I loved the extra time I had with him.<br />
Tareak has become my best friend, actually, my only friend.  My many mental illnesses have caused me to withdraw from everyone, but he was always there, whether I liked it or not.  When he works long hours I don&#8217;t do well alone.  I sulk.  I cry.  I get angry with his company.  I feel sorry for myself.  I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself.  Again, it is my dogs that keep me going.  In the last 2 1/2 weeks that I&#8217;ve been in Atlanta I would not have gotten out of bed had it not been for my dogs.  I hear them next to my bed whining because they are hungry or need to go outside.  I feel guilty I&#8217;m not taking better care of them and know if I don&#8217;t get up to feed them, no one else is.  They&#8217;ve become my sole purpose in life.  But once their bellies are full and they have come back inside, then what?  What is my purpose now?<br />
Major life changes, whether for the good or bad, can be triggers for depression.  When I got married and Tareak was working long hours, I tanked.  It took several years and lots of learning to get me to a point where I felt mentally stable.   Although this move to Atlanta was supposed to be a good thing, it has unfortunately thrust me back down even farther than I was before.  I know I need a purpose other than feeding my dogs.  I&#8217;ve thought about getting a part time job, but the idea scares me so much.  Can I commit myself to being there for someone every day, no matter how I&#8217;m feeling?  How long can I force myself to be responsible and reliable before I snap from the pressure?<br />
It is obvious that adjusting to these new life changes is going to be an up-hill battle.</span></p>
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		<item>
		<title>Puppy Tears</title>
		<link>http://www.depressedles.com/puppy-tears/</link>
		<comments>http://www.depressedles.com/puppy-tears/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 28 Jun 2009 12:00:21 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Leslie</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Perinatal Mood Disorders]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Therapy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[adopt]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[baby]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Dogs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jacy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Kaya]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rat terrier]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rhythm]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sleep]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[struggle]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.depressedles.com/?p=609</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[My plans for getting back on track with blogging were disrupted by this cute puppy.  Tareak and I decided we wanted Kaya to have a friend and thought a puppy would be fun for all of us.  Neither Tareak or I have ever had a puppy before, so we had no idea what we were [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="wp-caption aligncenter" style="width: 452px"><img title="Jacy" src="http://static1.grsites.com/user/folders/cheyenne7700/t45364026-1/IMG_0234.JPG" alt="" width="442" height="332" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Jacy- 8 weeks</p></div>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">My plans for getting back on track with blogging were disrupted by this cute puppy.  Tareak and I decided we wanted Kaya to have a friend and thought a puppy would be fun for all of us.  Neither Tareak or I have ever had a puppy before, so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  Jacy is an 8 week old rat terrier and when she is full grown will be the same size as Kaya. </span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">Having a puppy is harder than I anticipated.  In the last week I haven&#8217;t slept for more than 4 solid hours at a time.  My body is tired.  My brain is tired.  My sister asked me if having a puppy made me more or less excited to have a baby.  My answer was definitely LESS excited!  I think I am more of an older child/older dog type person.  I don&#8217;t mind adopting dogs from the shelter that have been locked in a basement their whole life and only have one ear.  It gives them character.  Many people don&#8217;t like the idea of adopting older children because they are &#8220;damaged&#8221;.  I think this is what draws me to them in a way.  I feel like I can identify with some of the mental struggles they must be going through and I want to help. </span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">We have had Kaya for almost 2 years.  She is a permanent part of our lives and family.  We had a rhythm and a routine that everyone followed.  When we adopted Jacy this whole routine and rhythm was disrupted.  Kaya was very jealous of our newest addition.  If I was holding Jacy, Kaya wouldn&#8217;t come and sit with me.  My heart was aching because I felt so bad for Kaya.  I didn&#8217;t want her to feel like she was being replaced or had to compete for my attention.  She was mad at me, and I could feel it. </span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">The other night Tareak and I were watching a movie and Jacy was sitting on one couch with me, and Kaya was on the other.  I wanted Kaya to like me again, so I put Jacy on the other couch with Tareak hoping that Kaya would come and sit with me.  She didn&#8217;t.  I waited and waited.  The movie was over and she still wouldn&#8217;t sit with me.  I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn&#8217;t.  I wanted my old life back.  I didn&#8217;t want a puppy any more.  I resented her for ruining everything.  I wanted Kaya to like me again.  I wanted to SLEEP! </span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">Kaya must have known something was wrong because the next morning she was back to her old self.  She has taken Jacy under her wing and allows Jacy to bite her ear stub, jump on her while she is sleeping, and everything else that comes along with being an older sister.  She will sit with me when I am holding Jacy and I know she isn&#8217;t mad at me anymore.  I still haven&#8217;t had any good sleep, but things are definitely looking up.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">This whole experience has really made me reflect on having children.  At least I wanted a puppy, and so the struggle and disruption is something I can accept.  What will happen if I have a baby that is even more disruptive than a puppy?  Will I resent the baby too?  What will happen if I adopt older children that will also disrupt and turn my life upside down?  Will I cope with that any better?  So many questions, but still no answers. </span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">I will try to keep blogging as I find a new routine and rhythm in life and hope there will be no more puppy tears. </span></p>
]]></content:encoded>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Self Evaluation</title>
		<link>http://www.depressedles.com/self-evaluation/</link>
		<comments>http://www.depressedles.com/self-evaluation/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 13 Jan 2009 12:00:35 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Leslie</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Psychology]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[SAD]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Therapy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blogger]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[companion]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Dogs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Exercise]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[faith]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[goals]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[joy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[personal evaluation]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[positive thoughts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[psychology today]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rain]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sun]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.depressedles.com/?p=429</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I frequently read blogs on the Psychology Today website.  Today I found an interesting article written by a guest blogger.  It discusses 10 ways to get rid of depression.  I agree that the 10 ways listed are in fact excellent ways to get rid of depression, the key however is to actually do the 10 [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p style="padding-left: 0px;"><span style="color: #7e609f;">I frequently read blogs on the <a href="http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/" target="_self">Psychology Today</a> website.  Today I found an interesting article written by a guest blogger.  It discusses 10 ways to get rid of depression.  I agree that the 10 ways listed are in fact excellent ways to get rid of depression, the key however is to actually do the 10 things listed.  Below is the article with my comments and personal evaluation in <span style="color: #ff0000;">RED</span>.  I have rated myself on a scale of 1-10 for each item, 1 being horrible, and 10 being excellent. </span></p>
<h1 style="padding-left: 0px;"><span style="color: #000000;"><a href="http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/200901/top-10-ways-banish-depression-now" target="_self">Top 10 Ways to Banish Depression Now </a></span></h1>
<div class="meta"><span style="color: #000000;"><span class="submitted"> By <a title="View user details." href="http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/authors/guest-blogger">Guest Blogger</a> on January 09, 2009           in <a href="http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm">Brainstorm</a> </span></span></div>
<div class="content">
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Depression stinks. No doubt about it. Having treated dozens of individuals with depression over the years, while reading countless books on the treatment, I still believe that the number one factor that really enables me to get to the heart of this malady is my firsthand experience with it. </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Depression started tugging at my heels by the time I was 8 years old. By 16, the dean of my high school would call me each morning to make sure I got out of bed and showed up at school, instead of sleeping all day. By 30, I had two boyfriends; Ben and Jerry. Today, I still have low moments, but they are far less often, and last far less long. </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Imagine if we had a scribe in our heads, even for a day. I know I would be ashamed to think of what mine might write. Having done a great deal of research on depression, I have heard many expert opinions regarding its etymology. We are still unsure if it is environmental, historical, genetic, energetic, past-life, DNA-related, trauma-based, kharmic law. One thing is for sure; when we got it, we got it, and it can be crippling.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">What folks may not know is that there are very useful tricks we can use to alleviate a sour mood. The brain is plastic. It is the last part of our body to really know something. When we tell our brain that life is awful and we are doomed, our brain tends to agree. In fact, I have noticed that when I experience a bout of depression, it is often triggered by events where I feel exposed as a failure. My way out usually begins with a decision. A decision to feel better.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">So, I decided to compile this list. Write these down, stick em on your wall, and put them in motion.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 1:  Get out of your head and into your feet<br />
The body craves movement. Exercise really works. Let&#8217;s not think of it as exercise though. Nothing is gnarlier to the depressed person than imagining him/herself at the gym in ill fitting sweats, panting on the stair master while svelte athletes are bopping around in all directions. As Woody Allen says, 90% of success is showing up. Once we&#8217;ve got our walking shoes on, once we get endorphins cooking, the doldrums have less power to penetrate. </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Christine Caldwell, Body-Centered Psychotherapist and author of &#8220;Getting our Bodies Back&#8221; tells us: Our bodies love to move and must move. Movement is the way we define life&#8211;when our heart beats, lungs pulse, brain waves, we are alive; in the absence of movement we become inanimate or dead. When movement is held back, energy/life flow is impeded and we become sick.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 2<br />
I enjoy walking.  Unfortunately it is raining 90% of the time in Washington and that doesn&#8217;t entice me to go outside.  We purchased a treadmill, but our dog uses it more than we do.  I know that I feel better when I exercise, but we don&#8217;t always do what we know is good for us!  =)</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 2:  Turn on the music<br />
Keep an arsenal of inspiring and fun music. When we&#8217;re depressed, the smallest task feels overwhelming. If I can kick-start someone&#8217;s joy, then I am thrilled. Turn on the sound.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 5<br />
I grew up listening to my dad blast his classic Motown hits.  Our home was always filled with music.  When I actually remember to turn music on, I do notice that I feel more motivated.  We recently hooked up some speakers to the ipod and have been listening to more music.  Hopefully we can keep it up!</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 3:  Sit in the sun<br />
Many of us work in windowless cubicles or offices, and wonder why we feel blue. This time of year, when the sun sets earlier, we lose vitamin D. Do anything you can to take in more light. Sit in the sun for 5 minutes. And if there is no sun in your world, then buy a full-spectrum light. Get one cheap on E-bay.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 3<br />
Oh- wouldn&#8217;t it be nice if there were actually sun to sit in!  In the warmer months my dog and I do go and find the warm patch coming through the window and curl up on a rug, but those months are a ways off.  I have a<a href="http://www.lighttherapy.com/index.html" target="_self"> light</a> that produces artificial sun, but I have not been using it.  We do have plans to start a light therapy regimen in the near future because I believe in the power of sun!</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 4:  Hang out with 4-leggeds (Unless you&#8217;re allergic)<br />
Having an animal companion near can instantly release oxytocin, that delicious hormone that we secrete when we fall in love, give birth, or are nursing. It releases a feeling of goodwill, or trust in the world. OK, so not all are blessed to be in love all the time, or be breast feeding, so find other ways to bring on the joy chemical. Read on.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 10<br />
My dog is literally a lap dog.  As soon as anyone sits down and a &#8220;lap&#8221; is formed, she is on it.  This results in lots of oxytocin!  See my post on <a href="http://www.depressedles.com/2008/09/26/dog-therapy-2/" target="_self">Dog Therapy</a> for more of my thoughts on the benefits of animals. </span> </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 5:  Change your thoughts<br />
We have around 60,000.00 thoughts per day. Some 87% of them are negative and are the same thoughts we had yesterday. Experiencing joy is a deliberate choice. Joy takes practice. Joy is hardcore. </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">In Natural Intelligence, Psychotherapist Susan Aposhyan states; &#8220;On a muscular level, any thought also results in at least minute muscular responses, evidencing the body&#8217;s compulsion to somehow do the thought. Having an affirmation, allows the mind to want to do the thing that we are hoping for.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">We must remember that affirmations don&#8217;t make something happen, they make something welcome. People tell me, &#8220;I put an affirmation up on my bedroom wall, saying: &#8220;I am ready to meet a gorgeous, successful, fabulous man who will adore and worship me.&#8221; It&#8217;s been 3 months. Where is he?&#8221; I tell them; &#8220;You have made yourself more open to meeting this human. Finding him is another story. Sorry.&#8221;<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 3<br />
I am a pessimist.  I believe it is impossible to be a realist without being a pessimist.  Unfortunately pessimistic thought don&#8217;t bring warm fuzzy feelings with them.  I am married to the King of Optimism and am slowing learning how to control my thoughts. </span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 6: Follow a joyous lifestyle.<br />
Find a class, a workout, anything that gets you in your body, preferably sweating a bit. Just getting out of the house and being with other people, say, in a yoga class, or dance class, or knitting group, offers us a distraction from the mind chatter. It works.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating-2<br />
I leave the house on average 2 times each week.  Once to go to church, and once to go grocery shopping and get gas.  Some weeks we don&#8217;t need groceries or gas, so I just go to church.  I&#8217;m still working on finding something enticing enough to get me to actually leave the house more often. </span> </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 7:  Affirm joy with words<br />
Rudyard Kipling said &#8220;I am by calling a dealer in words. And words are by far the most powerful drug in the world&#8221;. It may seem trite, but changing the way we speak can be extremely influential in changing our moods.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 2<br />
This ties directing in to Trick 5.  I first have to think positively before I can actually say positive things.  A work in progress&#8230;</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 8:  Grab hold of a goal<br />
Make it a do-able one. Psychologist Martin Selegman tells us: Happiness and joy come from goals. We mustn&#8217;t put off our lives.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 4<br />
I am really good at thinking of goals.  I am really bad at actually following through. </span> </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 9:  A smidgen of faith<br />
Christiane Northrup, bestselling author of Womens&#8217; Bodies, Womens Wisdom, and expert on mood disorders, shared this pearl of wisdom in a talk that she gave last summer at the Omega Institute. She says; &#8220;We are whom our higher self wanted to experience.&#8221; There is some truth to the pithy phrase: There&#8217;s no aetheists in foxholes. Have a smidgen of faith and the world can be a gentler space.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 9<br />
I am religious and believe that we are given trials from a loving Heavenly Father to help us learn and grow.  I also believe that with His help all things are possible. </span> </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">Trick 10:  Choose joyous companions<br />
When we are depressed, we take our bored, sluggish selves wherever we go. We need distractions. We need company. We need intimacy. It is very important to be around upbeat people. We need someone who believes in us. No nay-sayers welcome.<br />
<span style="color: #ff0000;">Rating- 7<br />
My husband is the most joyous companion in existence.  My dog also provides good company.  I recognize though that I need additional positive influences in my life since I am alone with my dog most of the time. </span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;">*Guest blogger Rachel Fleischman, MSW, LCSW, is a San Francisco-based therapist. Her <a href="http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=60438&amp;sid=1231520081.9816_21979&amp;city=San+Francisco&amp;county=San+Francisco&amp;state=California&amp;lastname=Fleischman">profile </a>can be found on Psychology Today&#8217;s <a href="http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php">therapy directory</a>. </span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="color: #ff0000;">Well, I officially failed my own self evaluation.  47 out of 100 hardly qualifies as passing.  I guess I have some things to work on! </span><br />
</span></div>
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		<item>
		<title>Baby Breakdown</title>
		<link>http://www.depressedles.com/baby-breakdown/</link>
		<comments>http://www.depressedles.com/baby-breakdown/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 27 Nov 2008 00:30:07 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Leslie</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Depression]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Perinatal Mood Disorders]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[baby]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[birth defects]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[couples]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[desire]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Dogs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dosage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[emotion]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[exposed]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[feelings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[having children]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[illnesses]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Kaya]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[medication]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[point of contention]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[risk]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[SAD]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.depressedles.com/?p=338</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Before you judge me for what I am about to say in the rest of this post, let me make a disclaimer:  &#8220;I know there is something wrong with me.&#8221; I don&#8217;t like babies.  I don&#8217;t really like anything about them.  I have never liked babies.  I have never wanted to have babies. I like [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">Before you judge me for what I am about to say in the rest of this post, let me make a disclaimer:  &#8220;I know there is something wrong with me.&#8221;</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">I don&#8217;t like babies.  I don&#8217;t really like anything about them.  I have never liked babies.  I have never wanted to have babies.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">I like kids.  Once they are about 4 or 5 and they can talk and you can reason with them, I think they are great!  This is where there is a problem.  In order to have a 4 or 5 year old child, you typically have to have a baby first.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">Tareak loves babies.  Tareak loves kids.  Tareak would like to have enough children that he could populate a small country.  Tareak wishes we already had one or two kids.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">This &#8220;Baby Issue&#8221; has been a point of contention in our marriage.  While we were dating I made it very clear that I wasn&#8217;t a big &#8220;baby-person&#8221;, but was open to the idea of one day having a couple kids.  Tareak didn&#8217;t take me seriously.  He thought that once we got married I would magically change and want lots of kids.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">I am on Paxil for my anxiety, depression and trichotillomania.  A <a href="http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=57323" target="_self">recent study</a> showed an increased risk of birth defects in children that were exposed to Paxil during the first 3 months of pregnancy.  I have been on Paxil since I was 19 (I am now 26).  The idea was for me to be on the drug long enough that my brain would re-train itself and once I went off the drug my brain would remember how to act &#8220;normal&#8221; even though it wasn&#8217;t being chemically aided.  As Tareak was anxious to start having children, we started decreasing my Paxil dosage a few months after we got married.  The plan was for me to be completely off the medication by July of 2008 so we could start our family.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">To make a long story short, I am still on 10 mg of Paxil and we haven&#8217;t attempted to start our family.  There are a number of reasons for this, but the two primary reasons are as follows:<br />
1- I don&#8217;t have a desire to be pregnant and have a baby.  My little sister just gave birth to the <a href="http://www.depressedles.com/2008/11/06/surprised-to-be-feeling-okay/" target="_self">first grand-baby</a> and I am now an Aunt for the first time.  I truly believed that once I saw my sister with a baby that my maternal instinct would kick in and I would have a desire to have my own baby.  Unfortunately this hasn&#8217;t happened.  Tareak is the one always asking to go over and hold the baby.  I have a really hard time going along with having a baby when it isn&#8217;t something I have a natural desire for.  I also worry about what effects my lack of desire will have on both me and the baby, which leads me to reason #2.<br />
2- I worry about my mental and emotional states and don&#8217;t trust that I am capable of taking care of a baby.  Because I suffer from depression, there is a high chance that I will also suffer from <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546/DSECTION=risk-factors" target="_self">Postpartum Depression</a>.  Also because there is a lack of desire for the baby in the first place, that also increases my risk for postpartum depression.  In my current situation, when I have a &#8220;breakdown&#8221; and don&#8217;t get out of bed for days, I only feel guilty that my dog isn&#8217;t getting enough exercise.  I drag myself out of bed to put food in her bowl, and then climb right back into bed.  Unfortunately, if I have a &#8220;breakdown&#8221; with a baby, I can&#8217;t just dump some food in a bowl and then get back into bed.  The guilt of not having the desire or capability to take care of a baby would just make things worse.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">What you are probably thinking at this point:  &#8220;Tareak seems like a supportive husband, I&#8217;m sure he would help out if you had a &#8220;breakdown&#8221;.  This is absolutely true.  But that doesn&#8217;t take away the guilt I would feel.  You are also probably thinking, &#8220;A lot of women aren&#8217;t baby-people, but once they have a baby of their own everything changes.&#8221;  I believe this is absolutely true as well.  But I&#8217;m not willing to risk my feelings not changing and causing lasting negative effects on my husband, myself and the baby.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #7e609f;">This brings us to a few days ago.  Before we were going to bed Tareak casually asked how I was doing with the &#8220;Baby Issue&#8221;.  Normally I try to avoid thinking about it because it only makes me feel bad.  My response to his question was immediate tears.  I feel horrible that I don&#8217;t have a desire to have babies, especially when I know how much it means to my husband.  After seeing the tears Tareak responded by saying, &#8220;Leslie, if you are never ready to have babies, that&#8217;s okay.  I&#8217;ll be very sad, but I will support you.&#8221;  This of course brought more tears.  It also sent me spiralling into a deep depression that consisted of several days with me and Kaya, my dog, closed up in our bedroom with my laptop and some books.  I managed to distract myself enough that I am back to the &#8220;avoiding the issue&#8221; stage, and am now functioning at the pre-baby-breakdown level.  But it is just a matter of time before I get to deal with yet another&#8230;. Baby Breakdown.</span></p>
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