All Entries Tagged With: "ailments"
New Growth
Right now in life I feel a lot like this tree. When we went to visit Tareak’s family in Australia we saw some of the devastation the fires caused. Even though it had only been a couple of months since the fires, there was already life growing from the burnt logs and trees.
I was a burnt tree. There wasn’t any visible life left in me. I couldn’t see the point in trying to repair something that seemed beyond hope. In the past month I have felt the stirrings of life inside of me and it has now sprouted to the point it is visible to others. I am able to get out of bed without any internal resistance. I feel like I have more energy. My relationship with Tareak has significantly improved. Overall I just feel BETTER! So what has changed?
While in Australia I noticed something for the first time. In conversations with others, I had very little to say about myself or my experiences. I did have a lot to say about Tareak though. My curiosity was peaked and I began to do some research. I started seeing words and phrases like, “Codependence”, “White Knight Syndrome”, “Obsessive Love”, “Overdependence”. Basically what I was seeing is that I had a low self-worth. This is different from self-esteem. Because I didn’t see much worth in myself, it became easy to put anything and everything before my own wants and NEEDS. I had convinced myself that by completely focusing on the needs and wants of others I could find self worth and they would value me because I had helped them so much. The more I read, the more I realized this is a serious condition. It is a disease. An addiction. “Oh Great!” I thought, “Just another ailment to add to my list”. I’ve read three books on the subject now, and have learned that while it is a serious condition, it is treatable. This is where the stirrings of hope and new life began.
My allergies this year have seemed worse than usual. During all waking hours I am an itchy sniffly mess. My sister suggested acupuncture for allergies and I thought “Why not? Nothing else is working.” I found an acupuncturist that specializes in getting rid of allergies. I went to my appointment with zero expectations. I found that she actually uses a technique called “NAET” which is a mixture of acupuncture, kinesthetics, chiropractics, etc… Had I researched the technique ahead of time I would have never made the appointment because the results sound too good to be true. I have only had 2 appointment and have been treated for my allergy to eggs and lactose. NAET suggests that most ailments are caused by underlying allergies in the body and if those allergies are eliminated the ailment will clear up. It claims to heal depression, anxiety, OCD, and a huge list of other problems. Had I not seen the definite improvements after my two appointments I would be skeptical, but now I have hope. The idea of being allergy free is more than I ever thought possible.
It is almost summer. We have had a warm and sunny spring. The sun is healing. The sun makes me happy to get out of bed. I have also been taking Vitamin D supplements for a month and have noticed a change in my mood. I don’t know if it is just the weather, or if the Vitamin D is helping, but I have no complaints either way.
Between learning about co-dependence, how to treat my allergies and the healing effects of the sun and Vitamin D, I am feeling good. I still have several books to read on my conditions, but I think I am off to a good start. Hopefully you won’t even recognize me in a few months. Instead of a burnt stump I will be a huge green tree oozing with new life.
Dear Future Children,
Dear Future Children,
One day you are going to read entries from this blog, or talk to someone who once did. At this time you will discover the major internal struggle that I went through in order to get to the point I felt okay about giving birth to you. There is a possibility that at this time you will perhaps feel unwanted or unloved. I hope this isn’t the case. I hope that I am able to make sure you always feel loved and wanted.
The reason I am having such an internal struggle at this time is because I already love you. I want the best for you. I want you to lead a long and happy life. I want you to grow up in an environment that will nurture you and that you will feel safe and loved. I want to protect you from anything that could hurt you or make your life more difficult. Because you will be inheriting many of my genetics, I know there is a strong possibility you too will suffer from depression, anxiety, ocd, trichotillomania or a number of the other medical conditions I have. This idea doesn’t bother me. I know that because you will be born into a family with parents and grandparents who understand these issues, you will learn how to deal with them and live a fairly normal life that could potentially even be medication-free. But if you have to take medications, know that no one in your family will judge you or think less of you for this choice. I’m not having an internal struggle because I know there is a high chance you will suffer from many of my same ailments, I’m having an internal struggle because I worry about my ability to care for you and be the best mother possible in my current mental state.
I know that no one is ever prepared to be a mother. I know I will never feel ready. In my current mental state I don’t feel comfortable bringing you into the world for several reasons. At this time I am taking Paxil. Babies who are born while their mother is on Paxil have a higher chance of having birth defects. No mother wants their child to suffer any more than they need to. Because I already know you will likely suffer from many things I will pass onto you, I don’t like the idea of potentially adding yet another thing to the list of things you will need to learn to live with. I need to get off Paxil before I can think about conceiving you. Also, babies scare me. I wish you could grow up faster so that we could talk and you could tell me what you want. When a baby just cries and can’t tell me what they want, I don’t know what to do. Non-baby lovers tell me that the first years (that causes me to cringe just thinking about it ) are all worth it, but that doesn’t take the fear away. I don’t want to be afraid to have you. I want to feel excited. I am working on feeling this way and have spent a lot of time on my knees asking for help from our Heavenly Father. I need to be excited before I can think about conceiving you.
Basically what I am trying to say is that I hope you know that all of my fear and reservations are coming from the love that I already have for you. Please don’t ever feel that you were unwanted. If I didn’t want you I would not be actively trying so hard to get my conditions managed. I love you and look forward to meeting you soon.
Your Mom,
Leslie