I don’t know why this memory emerged today.  In learning about codependence and thinking about the role it has played in my life, I realize it has been my constant companion even before depression entered the picture.  I remember feeling so confused that no one had come to look for me while playing Hide and Seek.  Because I was codependent, even as a small child, I was very aware of everyone and always knew what was going on, and naturally assumed everyone else was the same way.  I think this was the first time I realized that I was different.  But I didn’t look at myself in a bad way- I thought everyone else was horrible because they didn’t care as much as I did.  They didn’t notice the things that I noticed.  This feeling has carried through into my adulthood.

There have been several times in my young marriage that I thought Tareak was just a horrible insensitive guy.  I couldn’t grasp how he didn’t notice or take care of my needs.  I would think, “Am I seriously going to have to spell this out for him?  How can he not see what I need?  It is so obvious.”  And if I did have to spell it out for him, then anything he did “didn’t count”- because I had  to tell him to do it.  I wanted him to notice my needs like I noticed his.  I wanted him to be so attentive that he was always one step ahead of me, anticipating my every need.

In learning about codependence I have realized that I am the unhealthy one in this relationship.  It isn’t normal to focus so much on someone else that you forget who you are and what you like.  Even though I know that he is the healthy one, I still have feelings of frustration and resentment that he isn’t as attentive as I am.  Knowing that it is my codependence that makes me this way helps me keep my feeling and emotions in check, but it doesn’t change them.  There is still a big part of me that is that little girl hiding under the desk, just waiting for someone to care enough to come and find me and make sure I am okay.