All Entries Tagged With: "anxiety"

New Growth

Right now in life I feel a lot like this tree.  When we went to visit Tareak’s family in Australia we saw some of the devastation the fires caused.  Even though it had only been a couple of months since the fires, there was already life growing from the burnt logs and trees.

I was a burnt tree.  There wasn’t any visible life left in me.  I couldn’t see the point in trying to repair something that seemed beyond hope.  In the past month I have felt the stirrings of life inside of me and it has now sprouted to the point it is visible to others.  I am able to get out of bed without any internal resistance.  I feel like I have more energy.  My relationship with Tareak has significantly improved.  Overall I just feel BETTER!  So what has changed?

While in Australia I noticed something for the first time.  In conversations with others, I had very little to say about myself or my experiences.  I did have a lot to say about Tareak though.  My curiosity was peaked and I began to do some research.  I started seeing words and phrases like, “Codependence”, “White Knight Syndrome”, “Obsessive Love”, “Overdependence”.  Basically what I was seeing is that I had a low self-worth.  This is different from self-esteem.  Because I didn’t see much worth in myself, it became easy to put anything and everything before my own wants and NEEDS.  I had convinced myself that by completely focusing on the needs and wants of others I could find self worth and they would value me because I had helped them so much.  The more I read, the more I realized this is a serious condition.  It is a disease.  An addiction.  “Oh Great!”  I thought, “Just another ailment to add to my list”.  I’ve read three books on the subject now, and have learned that while it is a serious condition, it is treatable.  This is where the stirrings of hope and new life began.

My allergies this year have seemed worse than usual.  During all waking hours I am an itchy sniffly mess.  My sister suggested acupuncture for allergies and I thought “Why not?  Nothing else is working.”  I found an acupuncturist that specializes in getting rid of allergies.  I went to my appointment with zero expectations.  I found that she actually uses a technique called “NAET” which is a mixture of acupuncture, kinesthetics, chiropractics, etc…  Had I researched the technique ahead of time I would have never made the appointment because the results sound too good to be true.  I have only had 2 appointment and have been treated for my allergy to eggs and lactose.  NAET suggests that most ailments are caused by underlying allergies in the body and if those allergies are eliminated the ailment will clear up.  It claims to heal depression, anxiety, OCD, and a huge list of other problems.  Had I not seen the definite improvements after my two appointments I would be skeptical, but now I have hope.  The idea of being allergy free is more than I ever thought possible.

It is almost summer.  We have had a warm and sunny spring.  The sun is healing.  The sun makes me happy to get out of bed.  I have also been taking Vitamin D supplements for a month and have noticed a change in my mood.  I don’t know if it is just the weather, or if the Vitamin D is helping, but I have no complaints either way.

Between learning about co-dependence, how to treat my allergies and the healing effects of the sun and Vitamin D, I am feeling good.  I still have several books to read on my conditions, but I think I am off to a good start.  Hopefully you won’t even recognize me in a few months.  Instead of a burnt stump I will be a huge green tree oozing with new life.

Facebook Social Anxiety

Since much of my social interaction these days is limited to the computer, it would make sense that there would also be some social anxiety involved.  I always have a tremendous amount of anxiety when I request for someone to be my “friend” on Facebook.  Many times the requests are to people that I haven’t seen or talked to in many years.  I start wondering:

“Are they going to think I’m a nerd for asking them to be my friend?”

“Were they really my friend years ago, or were they just humoring me and are now glad not to have contact with me?”

“Why haven’t they already requested my friendship?”

“I was never really good friends with them, only an acquaintance.  Am I being too forward in assuming they want to be my friend?”

“Are they just going to think I’m nosey and want to see their profile and know that I really don’t want to be their friend?”

Once I muster up the courage to ask them to be my friend (I often feel like a pathetic little child begging for friendship) the waiting game begins.  If they haven’t responded to my request in 24 hours I start wondering:

“Maybe they don’t use Facebook that often and they just haven’t seen my request.”

“They are probably telling all their “real” friends about the request they just got from Leslie and are having a good laugh because I thought we could be friends.”

“Maybe they don’t want to be my friend.”

Then once they accept my friend request my mind still can’t rest.  It is plagued with questions like:

“Did they just accept my friend request because they didn’t want to make me feel bad?”

“Am I one of those people they accept as a friend but then never look at my profile because they don’t care enough to see what I’m up to?”

I also have anxiety when some people ask me to be their friend.  I accept the friend request 99% of the time, but everyone falls into a certain category in my mind.  The categories are as follows:
-There are the people that I am genuinely excited to make contact with.  I usually send them an e-mail or short message after accepting them as a friend because I am so excited to hear from them.  When I don’t receive one of these “I’m so excited to hear from you…” messages from people I request as friends I assume they are just accepting my friendship out of pity.
-There are the people I haven’t heard from or talked to in years that I am happy to know still exist, but I have no idea what to say to them or if they are looking for a full blown reunion, so I just quietly accept their request and check their profile every so often for any updates.
-There are people that request my friendship that I don’t even know, but know Tareak.  Tareak can’t be bothered to create his own Facebook account, and so all of his friends request to be friends with me.  I always check with him before adding them, and then on days when I’m feeling bad about myself I go into my Facebook account and count how many people are my friends and how many are Tareak’s, as though it is some sort of competition.  I am always bummed that he has almost as many friend as I do and it isn’t even his account.
-Lastly there are the people that I would never consider requesting their friendship, but for whatever reason they want to be friends with me.  I start asking myself, “Do they actually think we are friends?”, “Are they just trying to get a lot of friends by requesting friendship with everyone they have spoken to in their entire life?”, “Are they really curious enough about my life that they want access to my profile?- If so, I am kinda flattered in a strange way.”

Oh the dramas of having a Facebook account.  Who knew it could be so complicated?  I guess my life could be worse… =)

Am I Ready?

Last week my sister had some errands to run and so Tareak and I volunteered to babysit our 3 month old niece.  This was the first time we had ever watched her at our house with no one else around.  I was a bit apprehensive, knowing that I am uncomfortable around babies, but I reassured myself by remembering that Tareak was going to be here to help me.  About 5 minutes before she arrived Tareak decided to make a phone call to our cell phone company and make some changes to our account.  I was annoyed, but told myself it would be okay.

I gave my niece a tour of our house (since it was her first time here), we looked out all the windows into the backyard, and we watched Kaya play with her toys and bark at the invisible squirrels outside that only she can see.  My sister left a schedule listing what time my niece was supposed to take a nap and what time she could eat.  About 20 minutes before her designated nap time she started to cry.  I talked to her, I bounced her, I walked around with her, I gave her a pacifier, I tried everything.  You should probably know that the sound of a baby crying triggers something in my brain.  It makes me want to hide in the closet with my ears plugged while curling up in a ball and rocking back and forth.

After about 10 minutes of straight crying I started to get mad at Tareak.  He was still on the phone with the cell phone company (it had been over an hour).  The thoughts went something like this: “Oh, so this is how it’s going to be when we have kids.  Just when I need his help he’ll decide to make a phone call that could have easily waited.”
“If he’s the one that likes babies so much, why isn’t he the one taking care of her?”
“He says he is going to be there to help me when we have a baby, but if this is what he considers to be “helping”, then I’m not interested in his help.”
I’m sure the negative energy from these thoughts was not helping my niece calm down.  After another 5 minutes Tareak emerged from the office and asked if I needed help.  She calmed down quickly once she was removed from my negative presence and we played with her until she fell asleep in his arms.  We laid her down on our bed, closed the door, and that is when my tears began.  Tareak gave me a hug and told me I was doing a good job.  I told him I didn’t think I was ready for a baby.  I felt bad for Tareak at this point.  He went from calming down one baby to trying to get the even bigger baby (me) to stop crying.

Our niece slept for only 20 minutes, and was then ready to get up and play and eat.  As I am feeding her Tareak decides that we should make some lunch because he is hungry.  I told him to just eat a small snack and we would have an early dinner.  He asked why we couldn’t have lunch and I told him it is because we were watching our niece.  At this point I realized that Tareak and I view babies very differently, his way being much less stressful.  I envision having to play with and entertain the baby non-stop when it is awake and not be able to do anything else.  Tareak just plans to continue his normal routine, but bring the baby along.  I realize that my mentality is a bit skewed, but I don’t know how to change it.

I could see that Tareak was genuinely enjoying spending time with our niece.  I could see that he was comfortable and relaxed around her.  I asked myself if I genuinely had any enjoyment.  Honestly, I can say that I genuinely felt good about fulfilling my responsibility and besides feeling anxious, felt good that I did a good job taking care of her.  But do I get joy from babies?  I can’t say that I do.  I think the stress and anxiety overpower any joy that might be there.  This makes me feel bad.  This makes me feel guilty.  I cried myself to sleep that night because I wish that I didn’t feel this way, but I have to be honest with myself.

So where does this leave us?  Am I ready to have a baby?  Unfortunately for Tareak, the answer is “No”.  The good news is we are looking for a therapist to help us get these issues resolved so that we can start our family sooner rather than later.

Baby vs. Paxil

Leslie and I talked about starting our family last week and it went well.  We were able to talk about it with out all the tears (OK there were a few).  I guess that additional 5 mg of Paxil is helping.  We also talked to her doctor about the effects of her medication on a baby if she were to get pregnant.  she said that Paxil is potentially dangerous and to look into other types of drugs that might not be as harmful.  As Much as I would like Leslie not to be on any drugs I accept that it will take a lot longer then previously thought before that can happen. So a possible compromise will be a low dose of medication thorough the pregnancy.  The question is what is the right drug and how much.  Paxil helps Leslie with OCD, Trichotillomania , anxiety as well as depression.  By switching to something like  Zoloft or Prozac we are going to have to come up with a plan to tackle those other conditions.  For right now I’m doing a little research on the various drugs out their so I can get a better idea what type of direction we want to go in once Leslie is ready mentally for the challenge.