Jacy- 8 weeks

My plans for getting back on track with blogging were disrupted by this cute puppy.  Tareak and I decided we wanted Kaya to have a friend and thought a puppy would be fun for all of us.  Neither Tareak or I have ever had a puppy before, so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  Jacy is an 8 week old rat terrier and when she is full grown will be the same size as Kaya.

Having a puppy is harder than I anticipated.  In the last week I haven’t slept for more than 4 solid hours at a time.  My body is tired.  My brain is tired.  My sister asked me if having a puppy made me more or less excited to have a baby.  My answer was definitely LESS excited!  I think I am more of an older child/older dog type person.  I don’t mind adopting dogs from the shelter that have been locked in a basement their whole life and only have one ear.  It gives them character.  Many people don’t like the idea of adopting older children because they are “damaged”.  I think this is what draws me to them in a way.  I feel like I can identify with some of the mental struggles they must be going through and I want to help.

We have had Kaya for almost 2 years.  She is a permanent part of our lives and family.  We had a rhythm and a routine that everyone followed.  When we adopted Jacy this whole routine and rhythm was disrupted.  Kaya was very jealous of our newest addition.  If I was holding Jacy, Kaya wouldn’t come and sit with me.  My heart was aching because I felt so bad for Kaya.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was being replaced or had to compete for my attention.  She was mad at me, and I could feel it.

The other night Tareak and I were watching a movie and Jacy was sitting on one couch with me, and Kaya was on the other.  I wanted Kaya to like me again, so I put Jacy on the other couch with Tareak hoping that Kaya would come and sit with me.  She didn’t.  I waited and waited.  The movie was over and she still wouldn’t sit with me.  I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t.  I wanted my old life back.  I didn’t want a puppy any more.  I resented her for ruining everything.  I wanted Kaya to like me again.  I wanted to SLEEP!

Kaya must have known something was wrong because the next morning she was back to her old self.  She has taken Jacy under her wing and allows Jacy to bite her ear stub, jump on her while she is sleeping, and everything else that comes along with being an older sister.  She will sit with me when I am holding Jacy and I know she isn’t mad at me anymore.  I still haven’t had any good sleep, but things are definitely looking up.

This whole experience has really made me reflect on having children.  At least I wanted a puppy, and so the struggle and disruption is something I can accept.  What will happen if I have a baby that is even more disruptive than a puppy?  Will I resent the baby too?  What will happen if I adopt older children that will also disrupt and turn my life upside down?  Will I cope with that any better?  So many questions, but still no answers.

I will try to keep blogging as I find a new routine and rhythm in life and hope there will be no more puppy tears.

I have always wanted to adopt children, not babies, but older children.  I know some people are afraid of adopting older children because they are afraid they won’t be able to bond with them as easily as they could if they were a baby.  I have never had this fear.  Some people get excited and giddy about the idea of having a baby who is a miniature version of themselves running around.  This idea has never excited me.  I’ve always been excited about the idea of having a child that I choose.  I enjoy looking at adoption websites and browsing the listings of children waiting to be adopted.  Sometimes I feel bad because it is similar to shopping for a car and you get to choose the hair color, eye color, ethnicity, etc…  I know that it is kind of twisted to compare adopting a child to buying a car, but I can’t help that I get giddy and excited when I browse through the photo listings of the children.  I yearn to adopt one of them the same way that other women yearn to get pregnant.

Yesterday I was reading blogs on Psychology Today and came across a blog written by a woman who had adopted 2 children.  As I read her blog I felt an enormous sense of relief.  I could relate to almost every word she said.  It was the first time I had ever felt like I wasn’t the only one out there who feels the way I do about children and adoption.  Since I found the article yesterday I’ve gone back and re-read it several times because I feel the same relief each time knowing that if there is something wrong with me I know now that I’m not the only one.

I gave my niece a tour of our house (since it was her first time here), we looked out all the windows into the backyard, and we watched Kaya play with her toys and bark at the invisible squirrels outside that only she can see.  My sister left a schedule listing what time my niece was supposed to take a nap and what time she could eat.  About 20 minutes before her designated nap time she started to cry.  I talked to her, I bounced her, I walked around with her, I gave her a pacifier, I tried everything.  You should probably know that the sound of a baby crying triggers something in my brain.  It makes me want to hide in the closet with my ears plugged while curling up in a ball and rocking back and forth.

After about 10 minutes of straight crying I started to get mad at Tareak.  He was still on the phone with the cell phone company (it had been over an hour).  The thoughts went something like this: “Oh, so this is how it’s going to be when we have kids.  Just when I need his help he’ll decide to make a phone call that could have easily waited.”
“If he’s the one that likes babies so much, why isn’t he the one taking care of her?”
“He says he is going to be there to help me when we have a baby, but if this is what he considers to be “helping”, then I’m not interested in his help.”
I’m sure the negative energy from these thoughts was not helping my niece calm down.  After another 5 minutes Tareak emerged from the office and asked if I needed help.  She calmed down quickly once she was removed from my negative presence and we played with her until she fell asleep in his arms.  We laid her down on our bed, closed the door, and that is when my tears began.  Tareak gave me a hug and told me I was doing a good job.  I told him I didn’t think I was ready for a baby.  I felt bad for Tareak at this point.  He went from calming down one baby to trying to get the even bigger baby (me) to stop crying.

Our niece slept for only 20 minutes, and was then ready to get up and play and eat.  As I am feeding her Tareak decides that we should make some lunch because he is hungry.  I told him to just eat a small snack and we would have an early dinner.  He asked why we couldn’t have lunch and I told him it is because we were watching our niece.  At this point I realized that Tareak and I view babies very differently, his way being much less stressful.  I envision having to play with and entertain the baby non-stop when it is awake and not be able to do anything else.  Tareak just plans to continue his normal routine, but bring the baby along.  I realize that my mentality is a bit skewed, but I don’t know how to change it.

I could see that Tareak was genuinely enjoying spending time with our niece.  I could see that he was comfortable and relaxed around her.  I asked myself if I genuinely had any enjoyment.  Honestly, I can say that I genuinely felt good about fulfilling my responsibility and besides feeling anxious, felt good that I did a good job taking care of her.  But do I get joy from babies?  I can’t say that I do.  I think the stress and anxiety overpower any joy that might be there.  This makes me feel bad.  This makes me feel guilty.  I cried myself to sleep that night because I wish that I didn’t feel this way, but I have to be honest with myself.

So where does this leave us?  Am I ready to have a baby?  Unfortunately for Tareak, the answer is “No”.  The good news is we are looking for a therapist to help us get these issues resolved so that we can start our family sooner rather than later.

-If possible, try not to be on Paxil during the first trimester because that is when the organs are developing.  If there are depression problems though, it is better for me to be on Paxil because my depression could cause other problems for the baby.

-Find a Psychiatrist I can visit with throughout the pregnancy to help me monitor my conditions and work with my doctor to adjust medications accordingly.

Tareak is obviously very excited because a few months ago he was facing the reality that he might never have biological children, and now that future looks brighter.  We still have a lot of learning to do before we can actually start our family, but it looks like it could be sooner rather than later.  I’m still not super excited about the idea of having little kids (babies), and would still prefer to adopt older children, but I am now open to the idea as I feel more mentally stable (due to the increased 5mg of Paxil) and in a condition that I feel I could actually care for the small children.

On a side note… last week I saw a blog that mentioned the new book, “Pregnant on Prozac“.  I ordered it and it arrived today.  I will post what I learn about being pregnant while on depression medications in a later post.