All Entries Tagged With: "baby"

Baby Talk

A few days ago Leslie wanted to talk about starting our family. Of course I got a little excited at the prospect that she has figured out in her mind how to make it work.  She suggested that if we work with the doctors on a mix of medication during certain parts of the pregnancy, with the option of being fully medicated after the birth then she would feel more comfortable with the idea.  My job is to set up an appointment with the doctor who put Leslie on Paxil so we can figure out the best drug combination that will allow her to function while limiting the fetus exposure to harmful side effects.

This strategy requires some compromise that has been difficult for me, however the alternative is not that appealing to me right now either.  Things I would be compromising:  1- I really wanted Leslie to function independent of drugs.  2- By incorporating drugs into our family planning it will mean our children will be raised on formula instead of the brain nourishing good stuff that only mothers can make. This later one is really hard for me on a number of levels.  I truly believe that mothers milk is the greatest thing for babies and medically it is proven. I understand that some mothers cannot produce enough milk for their children or the baby may be lactose intolerant (like Leslie).  In these cases I think formula is a great alternative, however it seems in western countries the marketing machine has downgraded the natural process for passing immune strengthening milk and substituted it with a inferior product.  All of a sudden something that is best for the child is switched out with something that pales in comparison at a significant cost.  It’s complete craziness if you ask me, however in our situation where Leslie is more likely to be on medication after the birth of our children it would be unwise for her to feed them mothers milk due to the fact that the medication will be pasted on.  At the end of the day I may not have everything according to my ideal, BUT I will get a chance at being a dad and any sacrifice is worth it to me.

Baby vs. Paxil

Leslie and I talked about starting our family last week and it went well.  We were able to talk about it with out all the tears (OK there were a few).  I guess that additional 5 mg of Paxil is helping.  We also talked to her doctor about the effects of her medication on a baby if she were to get pregnant.  she said that Paxil is potentially dangerous and to look into other types of drugs that might not be as harmful.  As Much as I would like Leslie not to be on any drugs I accept that it will take a lot longer then previously thought before that can happen. So a possible compromise will be a low dose of medication thorough the pregnancy.  The question is what is the right drug and how much.  Paxil helps Leslie with OCD, Trichotillomania , anxiety as well as depression.  By switching to something like  Zoloft or Prozac we are going to have to come up with a plan to tackle those other conditions.  For right now I’m doing a little research on the various drugs out their so I can get a better idea what type of direction we want to go in once Leslie is ready mentally for the challenge.

Good Start

2009- So far, So good.

Despite my delayed sleep phase syndrome being worse than ever, 2009 is proving to be significantly better than last year.  Nothing extraordinary has happened, but I am definitely in better spirits.

Last month I increased my Paxil dosage to 15 mg.  It takes a few weeks for your body to start noticing any changes, and so I decided to do an experiment.  I had a doctors appointment on Monday and wanted to make sure to get all my prescriptions re-filled at that time.  In order to know how much Paxil I should ask for I needed to know if 15 mg was effective.  I left Tareak a note on Saturday that we should have the “baby talk” on Sunday night to see how the 15 mg was working.  I could tell Tareak was excited to have the “baby talk” and I’m sure was hopeful that we’d be able to get through it without tears.

Sunday night rolled around and we set up a “picnic” on our bedroom floor and started chatting.  The 10 mg Leslie could only get through about 2 minutes of conversation before crying so much that there wasn’t any point in talking further.  I am happy to report that I was able to get through about 2 hours of conversation (much of it was off topic) before the tears came.  This is a significant improvement in any one’s book!  The big issue is still my lack of desire for a baby.  Since I do realize that I eventually want to have older children I am starting to come to terms with the fact that they have to be babies first.  This doesn’t make me feel any more confident in my ability to manage my illnesses and raise a child/children simultaneously, but it is a step in the right direction.

At my doctors appointment on Monday we asked the doctor about the danger of being on 15 mg of Paxil while pregnant since it is such a low dosage.  Apparently Paxil is a “class C” drug which means it shouldn’t be taken during the 3rd trimester, but I could be on Paxil during the beginning of my pregnancy.  There are other drugs that manage depression, but not ocd, anxiety or trichotillomania that are safe to be on during the entire pregnancy, but I don’t know if my body chemistry is compatible with those drugs.  Tareak is also to the point where he realizes that it might not be realistic for me to breast-feed our babies since I may need to be on medication.  Earlier in our marriage he was very adamant about our children being breastfed for at least 6 months, but he has now resigned to saying, “If it comes down to not having a baby, or having a baby that drinks formula, I’ll take the baby with formula.”  I wish there wasn’t a need for such compromises.

I’m hopeful that I’ll continue to feel in good spirits this year and for Tareak’s sake hope that my desire for children gets stronger sooner rather than later!

Dear Future Children,

Dear Future Children,

One day you are going to read entries from this blog, or talk to someone who once did.  At this time you will discover the major internal struggle that I went through in order to get to the point I felt okay about giving birth to you.  There is a possibility that at this time you will perhaps feel unwanted or unloved.  I hope this isn’t the case.  I hope that I am able to make sure you always feel loved and wanted.

The reason I am having such an internal struggle at this time is because I already love you.  I want the best for you.  I want you to lead a long and happy life.  I want you to grow up in an environment that will nurture you and that you will feel safe and loved.  I want to protect you from anything that could hurt you or make your life more difficult.  Because you will be inheriting many of my genetics, I know there is a strong possibility you too will suffer from depression, anxiety, ocd, trichotillomania or a number of the other medical conditions I have.  This idea doesn’t bother me.  I know that because you will be born into a family with parents and grandparents who understand these issues, you will learn how to deal with them and live a fairly normal life that could potentially even be medication-free.  But if you have to take medications, know that no one in your family will judge you or think less of you for this choice.  I’m not having an internal struggle because I know there is a high chance you will suffer from many of my same ailments, I’m having an internal struggle because I worry about my ability to care for you and be the best mother possible in my current mental state.

I know that no one is ever prepared to be a mother.  I know I will never feel ready.  In my current mental state I don’t feel comfortable bringing you into the world for several reasons.  At this time I am taking Paxil.  Babies who are born while their mother is on Paxil have a higher chance of having birth defects.  No mother wants their child to suffer any more than they need to.  Because I already know you will likely suffer from many things I will pass onto you, I don’t like the idea of potentially adding yet another thing to the list of things you will need to learn to live with.  I need to get off Paxil before I can think about conceiving you.  Also, babies scare me.  I wish you could grow up faster so that we could talk and you could tell me what you want.  When a baby just cries and can’t tell me what they want, I don’t know what to do.  Non-baby lovers tell me that the first years (that causes me to cringe just thinking about it ) are all worth it, but that doesn’t take the fear away.  I don’t want to be afraid to have you.  I want to feel excited.  I am working on feeling this way and have spent a lot of time on my knees asking for help from our Heavenly Father.  I need to be excited before I can think about conceiving you.

Basically what I am trying to say is that I hope you know that all of my fear and reservations are coming from the love that I already have for you.  Please don’t ever feel that you were unwanted.  If I didn’t want you I would not be actively trying so hard to get my conditions managed.  I love you and look forward to meeting you soon.

Your Mom,

Leslie