All Entries Tagged With: "blogging"

Short Blogging Break

I have a pile of almost a dozen books I need to read.  I had a rather large breakthrough in figuring out how to treat my depression.  In order to fix myself I first need to have a DESIRE to fix myself and believe that I am worth fixing.  While this might sound obvious to you, it was not obvious to me- and that is the problem.  I have always preferred “fixing” others and ignoring my own issues and so they have been buried for too long.  I’m hoping that when I get through all the books I will have a deeper understanding of myself and also a stronger sense of self worth.  Until I believe that I am worth “fixing” and am motivated to help MYSELF, instead of someone else, there is no point in addressing my depression.  Wish me luck!

Dear Future Children,

Dear Future Children,

One day you are going to read entries from this blog, or talk to someone who once did.  At this time you will discover the major internal struggle that I went through in order to get to the point I felt okay about giving birth to you.  There is a possibility that at this time you will perhaps feel unwanted or unloved.  I hope this isn’t the case.  I hope that I am able to make sure you always feel loved and wanted.

The reason I am having such an internal struggle at this time is because I already love you.  I want the best for you.  I want you to lead a long and happy life.  I want you to grow up in an environment that will nurture you and that you will feel safe and loved.  I want to protect you from anything that could hurt you or make your life more difficult.  Because you will be inheriting many of my genetics, I know there is a strong possibility you too will suffer from depression, anxiety, ocd, trichotillomania or a number of the other medical conditions I have.  This idea doesn’t bother me.  I know that because you will be born into a family with parents and grandparents who understand these issues, you will learn how to deal with them and live a fairly normal life that could potentially even be medication-free.  But if you have to take medications, know that no one in your family will judge you or think less of you for this choice.  I’m not having an internal struggle because I know there is a high chance you will suffer from many of my same ailments, I’m having an internal struggle because I worry about my ability to care for you and be the best mother possible in my current mental state.

I know that no one is ever prepared to be a mother.  I know I will never feel ready.  In my current mental state I don’t feel comfortable bringing you into the world for several reasons.  At this time I am taking Paxil.  Babies who are born while their mother is on Paxil have a higher chance of having birth defects.  No mother wants their child to suffer any more than they need to.  Because I already know you will likely suffer from many things I will pass onto you, I don’t like the idea of potentially adding yet another thing to the list of things you will need to learn to live with.  I need to get off Paxil before I can think about conceiving you.  Also, babies scare me.  I wish you could grow up faster so that we could talk and you could tell me what you want.  When a baby just cries and can’t tell me what they want, I don’t know what to do.  Non-baby lovers tell me that the first years (that causes me to cringe just thinking about it ) are all worth it, but that doesn’t take the fear away.  I don’t want to be afraid to have you.  I want to feel excited.  I am working on feeling this way and have spent a lot of time on my knees asking for help from our Heavenly Father.  I need to be excited before I can think about conceiving you.

Basically what I am trying to say is that I hope you know that all of my fear and reservations are coming from the love that I already have for you.  Please don’t ever feel that you were unwanted.  If I didn’t want you I would not be actively trying so hard to get my conditions managed.  I love you and look forward to meeting you soon.

Your Mom,

Leslie

Outside Looking In

In an earlier post I mentioned a “Breakthrough” my husband had in accepting my depression.  I have been pleased to see he no longer blames himself for my depression or other conditions.  As he has learned more about these conditions he talks to others about them frequently.  For the most part I am okay with him discussing depression with others as I feel people are generally uneducated on the topic.

Even though my conditions are no fault of my own, I still feel embarrassed talking about them.  Last night at a family dinner my sister said, “Leslie, I didn’t know you eat dirt!  I feel so out of the loop, why didn’t anyone tell me.”  I asked her where she heard that I eat dirt, and she pointed to her husband.  I immediately knew that Tareak had been discussing my conditions again.  For the most part my family is completely unaware of my conditions, and I just accept that they think I’m the “weird one.”  It is easier to be the “weird one” than it is for me to openly discuss my issues.  Tareak and I were engaged before I told him about my Trichotillomania.  Another condition I told him about at that time was Pica.  I have random cravings on occasion to eat paper and also dirt.  In my extended family I am known as the “cousin who eats cardboard.”  While I haven’t had a craving to eat dirt for many years, I guess this is something Tareak had the urge to tell my brother-in-law.

This dinner conversation made me feel very uncomfortable.  It took me almost 2 years to be able to talk to Tareak about these conditions.  Like I mentioned before, even though the conditions aren’t my fault I still feel a level of embarrassment and shame.  Tareak has always been a very private person.  He gets mad at me when I tell my sisters that he likes to watch Japanese cartoons.  I am a big believer in being as open as possible with others because it leads to more understanding and less drawing of inaccuarate conclusions.  That said, there are certain things like Trichotillomania and Pica that bring an increased level of discomfort and I try to avoid these topics at all costs.  This blog is a tool to help me overcome this discomfort and accept myself and help others to accept me as well.  I was surprised when Tareak was eager about the idea of me starting a blog.  I asked him what topics were off-limits for discussion, and he was very supportive of me being free to blog about whatever I wanted.  Again, this was very surprising.

As I’ve thought about why Tareak is so open with my conditions, I finally came to a conclusion.  It is much easier to discuss sensitive topics when you aren’t the focus.  I would have no problem blogging or discussing Tareak’s less than perfect past or all of his issues, but I am not allowed to discuss them on this blog.  These things bring a level of discomfort to him.  He doesn’t like the idea of people knowing that he isn’t perfect.  I think we all want people to view us in the best light possible, but when we hide the things we are ashamed of it doesn’t allow us the opportunity to grow from our trials and it doesn’t give others the opportunity to get to know our true selves.

It is much easier to be on the outside looking in to someone elses life.  How many of us spend hours each week looking at other people social networking pages, or reading blogs?  But how many of us are willing to open up on our own blogs or social networking pages and show our true self, flaws and all?  While it scares me to death to be so open and honest with the world, it also brings a deep level of peace and a sense of liberation.  I’m not a slave to hiding my true self, I can just be me.

What will they THINK?

So far in writing blog posts, I have felt rather anonymous.  Tareak and I are really the only ones that look at our blog.  This weekend Tareak started showing some of my family our blog.  I felt uncomfortable.

The reason we started blogging about depression (and my many other disorders) was to use it as a form of therapy for us, and also a way to educate others.  We were trying to get into a regular habit of writing before we told people about our blog, and I guess I got comfortable with the anonymity.

The plan is to e-mail our friends and family the link to our blog so they can get educated and also participate in my therapy through sharing comments, experiences, etc….  But as the time approaches, I feel so exposed.  I feel like someone just took off the mask I have been hiding behind and now the awful truth is going to be exposed.

I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job hiding most of my disorders from those around me.  What will they think of me when they find out the truth?  Why do I feel ashamed about who I am?  Why do I feel embarrassed about disorders that are no fault of my own?

I know on the outside most people are going to come across as being very supportive and understanding, but what are they really THINKING, and why do I care so much?