All Entries Tagged With: "challenges"

Despair or not to despair

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me.  I have been working long hours and I often wonder what Leslie is doing with her time. She has a routine that doesn’t really involve anything too challenging and I think sometimes I’m way too easy on her.  I allow her to figure herself out on her own terms.  This technique has obviously failed and my world is falling apart.

My little plan was simple, we get married, Leslie weans herself of Paxil over the course of a year and we start our family.  Simple wright? Wrong. Two years later we are scrambling to try and figure out what we did wrong and how we should move forward with this family thing. I met Leslie when she was 22 and I was 27. Time is moving away from us and I’m a little anxious to be a dad, I’m not getting any younger.  Unfortunately this way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on Leslie which is a bad idea but that’s how I feel. What’s the solution?  Simple!  “Suck it up Tareak, because you know you can. Then dial in on a plan to help Leslie get healthy enough to start this family.” I want us to be excited not just me so its important for me to control my feelings and stick to an action plan that is different than the one we had over the last few years.  The biggest ingredient in this plan is patience and that will definitely be difficult for me.

We just have our second anniversary and overall I have loved the past 2 years.  Leslie has taught me a lot about myself and challenged me in so many ways, but most of all when I look in the mirror I see someone who has become a better man through being with her and having her influence my life.  I can only imagine the greater effect she will have on me when she learns to manage her depression and other issues better.

Baby vs. Paxil

Leslie and I talked about starting our family last week and it went well.  We were able to talk about it with out all the tears (OK there were a few).  I guess that additional 5 mg of Paxil is helping.  We also talked to her doctor about the effects of her medication on a baby if she were to get pregnant.  she said that Paxil is potentially dangerous and to look into other types of drugs that might not be as harmful.  As Much as I would like Leslie not to be on any drugs I accept that it will take a lot longer then previously thought before that can happen. So a possible compromise will be a low dose of medication thorough the pregnancy.  The question is what is the right drug and how much.  Paxil helps Leslie with OCD, Trichotillomania , anxiety as well as depression.  By switching to something like  Zoloft or Prozac we are going to have to come up with a plan to tackle those other conditions.  For right now I’m doing a little research on the various drugs out their so I can get a better idea what type of direction we want to go in once Leslie is ready mentally for the challenge.

Goodbye 2008, and Good Riddance

2008 is one year I am not sad to see end.  It seems to have been one struggle after another and I could definitely use a break.

I feel bad saying that 2008 was a completely awful year, mostly for the sake of my husband Tareak.  Tareak works so hard.  Not only does he work hard by going to his full time job to provide an income and roof over our head, but he works overtime trying to always do things to make me happy.  I was telling my sisters about the “sing-along” Tareak and I had the other night.  This basically consists of Tareak attempting to sing along with the songs on the ipod even though he doesn’t know the lyrics.  Theses “sing-alongs” include him performing dances to go along with the songs and even immitations of the singers voices.  As this is somewhat of a regular occurance at our house I didn’t think it was that strange, but my sisters reacted asking, “Are you serious?”.  If Tareak thinks it will make me smile, he will do whatever it takes, no matter how silly or outrageous.  I appreciate the efforts he makes to cheer me up so much and I feel ungrateful by saying that 2008 was an awful year because he worked so hard on so many different levels to take care of me and my needs.

2008 was a hard year.  I think it was not only a hard year for me, but I think Tareak struggled a lot as well.  Depression does not just affect the individual suffering from depression, it affects everyone close to them as well.  I have to work very hard to remember to show him that I love him.  A while back I gave Tareak a hug and told him that I loved him and he replied saying, “Do you really love me?  Because you don’t act like it very much.”  That response was a big wake up call for me.  I forget that I need to make sure that he feels loved and appreciated even when it doesn’t come naturally to me in my current state of mind.

I’m not one to make New Year’s Resolutions.  No one ever keeps them anyway.  But in 2009 I would like to make sure that Tareak feels more loved and appreciated.  He works hard to make sure that I am taken care of and the least I can do is to make sure that he knows I appreciate it, because I obviously haven’t been doing a very good job.  So goodbye 2008, and good riddance!

Looking to the new year

Considering that tomorrow will usher in the beginning of a New Year, one must discard forgotten goals and prepare to succeed in the New Year. Top of my list is helping Leslie improve her ability to challenge her negative thoughts. She is improving a little at a time and so long as we are moving forward then we will be OK.  I’m looking forward to progress this year as I’m hoping Leslie’s mental condition will improve sufficiently so we can start our family.  It’s something that I truly look forward to however it’s something I want both of us to look forward to. With a little patience and some hard work we will get there.