When I was younger I remember a time when I wanted to know if a book was available at the library.  My mom told me to call and see if it was there.  I wouldn’t do it.  I was too scared to call.

I worked in an office during high school.  Most office jobs require you to answer the phone.  I wouldn’t do it.  I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to help the person on the other end of the line with whatever they were calling about.

After my first year of college I came home for the summer to work.  I signed up with a temp agency who placed me in a job where I would be answering the phones all day.  I was scared to death, but after saying “This is Leslie, how can I direct your call.” for 8 hours a day you get over the fear of answering the phone.

Unfortunately my fear has only gotten worse over the years.  I am better about answering the phone now, thanks to my many years of Receptionist work, but making phone calls still scares me.  Some people may understand my fear when I am calling someone I don’t know, but even I don’t understand my fear of calling friends and even family.  Here are some examples:

-My cousin is planning on going to school in Hawaii and wants some advice on where to live, lifestyle in Hawaii, what to pack, etc…  She e-mails me her phone number and asks me to give her a call.  Because she is family and I love talking about Hawaii, I finally call her after spending a few hours talking myself into it.

-Friends from Hawaii that I haven’t seen in a while call me and leave a message (I never have my phone with me or don’t hear it ring) for me to give them a call so we can catch up.  I feel bad that we haven’t talked in so long, but I am too nervous to call them back.  Why?  I have no idea.

-A friend e-mails to see if Tareak and I want to go out to dinner with her and her husband.  She leaves her number and tells me to give her a call.  Instead of calling I e-mail her back and arrange the whole dinner via e-mail without ever even talking to her on the phone.

I don’t know why I’m so nervous to call people.  I can call Tareak and my immediate family without getting nervous, but everyone else is basically torture.  I have one theory on why I don’t like calling people, but it doesn’t necessarily explain why I get nervous.  My theory is this:  I don’t like calling people because I don’t want to be a bother and interrupt whatever they were doing before I called.  I can see why this would make me hesitant to call, but not afraid.

So in conclusion- if I haven’t called you back in days, weeks, months or even years (yes, there are people I haven’t called back in years and it is now to the point where it is just too embarrasing to return the phone call)- don’t be offended.  It is nothing personal.  “It’s not you, it’s me.”  =)  My only advice if you’d really like me to call you back, leave a voice mail or send an e-mail hinting at some big news that you will only tell me if I call you back.  My curiosity usually always gets the better of me, even if it means I have to make……. a scary phone call…. dun…. dun… dun….

Tareak was excited for me to blog in Hawaii because he was sure we would see an extreme change in my outlook and attitude.  I was tired in Hawaii.  I didn’t feel like blogging.  I was more active during my week long “vacation” than I am at home.  In a typical week at home I leave the house about twice.  I go to church on Sunday, and I will usually go to the grocery store once during the week.  I don’t even have to step outside my house to check the mail, it is delivered to our door.  While in Hawaii not only did I leave the house every day, I had much more social interaction than I do at home.  As much as I love Kaya, my dog, she can’t replace human interaction.  I enjoyed leaving the house daily, and I enjoyed talking to people other than Tareak (don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband.  Except for when he is at work, we literally spend every minute together and I like it that way).  But all this activity and interaction left me feeling physically and mentally exhausted by the end of each day.

The Hawaiian sun is theraputic.  Nothing compares to the feeling of the warm sun bathing your body in it’s rays.  It truly is healing.  Now time for a confession: During the 5 years I lived in Hawaii I went to the beach on average once every 2 months.  Another confession.  My little sister came with us to Hawaii this past week.  Had she not been there I would not have gone to the beach, much less left the house.  Just because I was in Hawaii did not mean that I didn’t suffer from depression.

As much as Tareak has learned these past few months, I still feel like he thinks there is a “quick fix” to depression.  He thinks moving to Hawaii is that fix.  He sees my extreme range of emotions when it comes to Hawaii.  I can’t watch the shows on the Travel Channel about Hawaii- I cry every time.  But stepping off the plane in Hawaii brings levels of excitement comparable to a child going to Disneyland for the first time.  Tareak feels guilty that we don’t live in Hawaii.  He thinks that if we lived there my depression would go away, or at least be easier to manage.  Unfortunately, I don’t think this is true.

If we lived somewhere that was sunny more than 15 days each year, SAD would not be an issue.  But SAD and Depression aren’t the same thing.  SAD is just one more thing on top of the existing depression.  For this reason Hawaii could be an ideal place to live one day.  Another reason I enjoy Hawaii is the people.  The 5 years that I lived in Hawaii, I lived on the North Shore.  People who live here aren’t rich (even though their homes are worth almost $1 million).  I always got the sense that the people were very content with their lives.  For the most part they weren’t aspiring to make millions, they were happy to just have enough to get by.  One of the triggers of my depression is my feelings of inadaquacy.  I feel like I SHOULD be able to have a full time job.  I feel like I SHOULD have been able to finish my degree.  I feel like I SHOULD already have 3 kids.  In Hawaii I never felt judged or looked down upon.  I never felt like I SHOULD be doing anything in particular, I just felt accepted for who I was and the feelings of inadaquacy weren’t so strong.

I know the answer to conquering my depression isn’t in Hawaii.  It may help me find the answer, but ultimately I need to look inside myself and heal from the inside out, and not rely on the sun to do all the work.