All Entries Tagged With: "Depression"

My Declaration of Dependence

I started taking Paxil just before I turned 19 years old.  The main reasons I started taking it was to help with my social anxiety, OCD, and also in hopes that it would help my trichotillomania (which it didn’t).  The doctor explained to me that since I was still young, the Paxil could help train my brain to think and process in a new way.  The hope was that after a few years I would be able to stop taking Paxil and my brain would have re-wired itself in such a way that I would no longer need it.  I tried a couple times to lower my dosage and wean off of Paxil, but each time I recognized the need my brain had for the drug.  It helped, and still helps control my obsessive thoughts.  I am now able to find the “Pause” button on my brain and allow myself to just stop obsessing about things.  Pre-Paxil, this wasn’t possible.  It also helps me think more rationally when I get anxious.  I accept that I may never be able to stop using Paxil and that is okay with me.

I have now been taking Wellbutrin for 2 months.  I am officially addicted to this drug and I love it!  A day hasn’t passed that I didn’t accomplish something that I could have never accomplished pre-Wellbutrin.  Earlier this week I slept late and was in a bit of a “blah” mood.  It took me back to the feeling that I experienced on a daily basis for the past few years.  I NEVER want to experience that feeling regularly EVER again.  I found myself in complete  amazement that I put up with that feeling for so long and never did anything about it.  Such is the trouble with depression- you know what needs to be done, but you just can’t do it no matter how much you want to change.

Tareak has finally learned how to keep up with me and my new found motivation and energy.   We are both more productive than we have ever been throughout our marriage.  It has been great for both of us to get to know this new side of each other.  I officially declare my dependence on both Paxil and Wellbutrin- and I am not ashamed.

In LOVE with my purple pill….

On January 30th, 2010 I took my first dose of Wellbutrin (well, the generic form, Bupropion).  My doctor recommended that I start with 150mg once a day.  This dose only lasts 12 hours.  One of the side effects of Wellbutrin is insomnia, so I only take one pill in the morning so I am able to sleep at night.  I am still taking 15mg of Paxil daily, and since Paxil lasts 24 hours, I am covered 24/7.

This little purple pill has completely turned my life upside down and Tareak wonders what happened to his wife.  I have energy.  I get tons done every day.  I have motivation.  I talk a lot more.  And best of all, I don’t feel depressed!  Tareak has only ever known the placid and emotionless Leslie, and now he is having a hard time keeping up with me!  NEVER, in a million years did I think this was possible.

I am kicking myself for waiting so long to try this medication.  I feel like I wasted the last 4 years of my life and now I can’t get them back.  I guess with all the extra energy I have I’ll just have to make up for lost time!  Time to go get to work…….

Medication Update

Throughout the year of 2009 I took several different vitamins and supplements.  I began taking many of them during Spring, when the sun was coming out more often.  Because of the timing I was never sure if it was the sun or the medications that were making me feel better.

I was taking the following daily to help with depression:

Vitamin C- 1000 mg
Vitamin D- 1000 iu
Fish Oil- 2000 mg

The sun has now hidden itself away until next year, and so I hesitantly decided to do an experiment.  I am still taking 15mg daily of Paxil, but as of 3 weeks ago I have stopped taking everything else.  Tareak and I haven’t noticed any changes in mood or behavior.  As much as I’d like to think they were helping, it seems as though they weren’t doing much.

About three months ago I started taking 2000 mg daily of N-acetylcysteine, for trichotillomania.  Unfortunately I didn’t notice any changes or improvements in my trichotillomania.  I was very hopeful that it would be the breakthrough I needed, but considering there is no cure for trichotillomania to date, I’m not surprised that it didn’t help.

I plan to start seeing a counselor early next year and may try switching to or adding Wellbutrin.  My depression is currently under control, but I still feel like I am just “surviving”, and not really living.

History of Codependence

I was looking through old journals last night and came across a poem I wrote back in 2004.  I have probably written about 3 poems in my whole life and in no way consider myself a poet, but I thought I needed to share it:

“Can’t Let Go”

I gain nothing from this but hurt and pain
so why do I feel the need to remain?
I want to be free from the ties that bind
But am afraid of what I then will find.
A reality that I have been abused
By willing letting myself be used.
I have given it my all, & they have confided,
But now I am alone & it was all one-sided.
I can see now how often I was disrespected,
Pushed aside and even neglected.
I thought I was helping and we had a connection,
But I can see it wasn’t so, upon reflection.
Now I am stuck & not even in control
And reality has started to take it’s toll.
Treated as un-important, this I know,
So I don’t understand why I can’t let go.
-Leslie-  11/11/2004

After reading the poem, I realized that before I even knew the word “Codependence” existed, I was aware that I was suffering unnecessarily.  It is no wonder that I have struggled with depression my whole life.  At some subconscious level I always knew that I wasn’t in healthy relationships and was allowing myself to be treated without respect.  How can someone feel good about themselves when they know they are acting destructively?  For this reason I feel it is important for me to develop a better sense of self-worth and work on overcoming my codependence so I will be in a better position to handle coping with my depression.