All Entries Tagged With: "desire"
“Damned if you don’t”
“What must I do to be damned? Nothing. That’s all. You’re damned–condemned– if you just sit still. That is the law of this physical world.“If you sit still long enough, you’ll never get up again. If you never lift your arm, you’ll soon be unable to raise it at all. If you remain in darkness and never use your eyes, you’ll soon become blind.
“It is the law in the mental world, if you never exercise your brain– never read, study, nor talk to anyone, never permit anyone to talk to you, your mind will become blank– maybe you’ll become insane.
“The most horrible punishment that could be inflicted upon you is not twenty years of hard labor, but twenty years of solitary confinement.
“It’s the law in the spiritual world, simply shut your heart to all truth, and after a while you won’t be able to believe anything– that is the severest penalty for not accepting the truth.
“The process of disintegration and death begins when a man shuts himself out from the forces that make for life.
“The body and mind and spirit are kept alive through constant constructive use.” ~Charles Steizle~ (Utah Labor News, December 12th, 1937)
I came across this quote today and it reminded me of depression. When in a depressed state you can’t do anything physical, mental or spiritual- you don’t even want to do anything. This beast of complete and all consuming inactivity takes over your life and there is only one way to escape, or at least begin to pry yourself free… and that is to do something, anything!
You don’t want to get out of bed. You want to be able to sleep and escape it all by just lying there and doing NOTHING, but by forcing yourself to get out of bed (which wouldn’t be considered an accomplishment by most) you feel a twinge of hope, hope that maybe today will be a good day.
I’ve learned that as long as I do ONE thing each day (some days it is as simple as taking a shower or playing with the dogs and other days I can manage to actually leave the house or do a load of laundry) I am able to stay somewhat sane. If I feel good after doing one thing that day, then I can decide if I’d like to do another, but if I don’t want to, that is OK. I’ve given myself permission to only do ONE thing each day, and anything else is a bonus.
I get overwhelmed so easily and this is why I have a hard time seeing myself as a mother one day. Right now it is okay if my “one thing” is to get in the shower. If I have a kid I’ll need to feed, bathe, dress, and play with them until I can escape while they take a nap. This is a whole lot more than “one thing”. This is why it was so hard for me to work and go to school. Work was one thing and school was another and some days I could only manage to do one of them, and some days none because I was so overwhelmed I had to “check out” of life.
So like Mr. Charles Steizle said, I’ll just keep on doing at least one thing every day so that I won’t be “damned” to the hell that is depression.
Short Blogging Break
I have a pile of almost a dozen books I need to read. I had a rather large breakthrough in figuring out how to treat my depression. In order to fix myself I first need to have a DESIRE to fix myself and believe that I am worth fixing. While this might sound obvious to you, it was not obvious to me- and that is the problem. I have always preferred “fixing” others and ignoring my own issues and so they have been buried for too long. I’m hoping that when I get through all the books I will have a deeper understanding of myself and also a stronger sense of self worth. Until I believe that I am worth “fixing” and am motivated to help MYSELF, instead of someone else, there is no point in addressing my depression. Wish me luck!
Combating Negativity
I must admit that in the last few months I have allowed myself to feel down. This could have been caused by Leslie’s influence on me, which is what I was thinking. I have since come to realize that in addition to her negative influence I have felt job dissatisfaction. I have a strong desire to be successful at something, anything and I strive to do a great job for my employer. My employer believes that I am an asset to the company but I feel like I should be able to do more. It drives me crazy thinking that I could have done a better job but failed to meet my own expectations. On top of that I have been feeling down about 4 years of failing as an entrepreneur. It addition to that I have been struggling to help Leslie with her depression. On top of all those issues I really want to start my family and that’s just not possible right now. So I have been feeling a little down lately and have really been excited to go home to Australia in a few weeks to just take a break.
Leslie noticed that I was at an all-time low and found a book that reminded her of me… well, of the “old-me”. It is called the 4 hour work week and she was right- I love it! This guy is doing what I have been trying to do for the last 5 years. WOW have I been screwing things up. Well better late then never. Since reading this book I feel the excitement of life creeping back into me. I feel rejuvenated and ready for the next round. I guess you could say I was feeling a little sorry for myself for all of my failures instead of focusing on my successes. But I’m back to my usual optimistic self and all is well.
Adoption Thinking
I was an emotional mess last summer when Tareak and I began to seriously discuss starting a family. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to have babies, but wanted to adopt, and knew that there must be something wrong with me. I would spend hours online searching for something, anything, to tell me that I was normal. I came across many accounts of women who had adopted after not being able to get pregnant. I came across accounts of women who had no desire to get pregnant because they were afraid of giving birth, or who didn’t want to bring any more children into this screwed up world. I came across accounts of women who didn’t want to have children either biologically or through adoption because it would mean they would have to put their careers on hold. I couldn’t relate to the experiences of any of these women. I was left feeling very alone and the suspicions I had of there being something wrong with me were validated.
I have always wanted to adopt children, not babies, but older children. I know some people are afraid of adopting older children because they are afraid they won’t be able to bond with them as easily as they could if they were a baby. I have never had this fear. Some people get excited and giddy about the idea of having a baby who is a miniature version of themselves running around. This idea has never excited me. I’ve always been excited about the idea of having a child that I choose. I enjoy looking at adoption websites and browsing the listings of children waiting to be adopted. Sometimes I feel bad because it is similar to shopping for a car and you get to choose the hair color, eye color, ethnicity, etc… I know that it is kind of twisted to compare adopting a child to buying a car, but I can’t help that I get giddy and excited when I browse through the photo listings of the children. I yearn to adopt one of them the same way that other women yearn to get pregnant.
Yesterday I was reading blogs on Psychology Today and came across a blog written by a woman who had adopted 2 children. As I read her blog I felt an enormous sense of relief. I could relate to almost every word she said. It was the first time I had ever felt like I wasn’t the only one out there who feels the way I do about children and adoption. Since I found the article yesterday I’ve gone back and re-read it several times because I feel the same relief each time knowing that if there is something wrong with me I know now that I’m not the only one.