All Entries Tagged With: "desire"

Good Start

2009- So far, So good.

Despite my delayed sleep phase syndrome being worse than ever, 2009 is proving to be significantly better than last year.  Nothing extraordinary has happened, but I am definitely in better spirits.

Last month I increased my Paxil dosage to 15 mg.  It takes a few weeks for your body to start noticing any changes, and so I decided to do an experiment.  I had a doctors appointment on Monday and wanted to make sure to get all my prescriptions re-filled at that time.  In order to know how much Paxil I should ask for I needed to know if 15 mg was effective.  I left Tareak a note on Saturday that we should have the “baby talk” on Sunday night to see how the 15 mg was working.  I could tell Tareak was excited to have the “baby talk” and I’m sure was hopeful that we’d be able to get through it without tears.

Sunday night rolled around and we set up a “picnic” on our bedroom floor and started chatting.  The 10 mg Leslie could only get through about 2 minutes of conversation before crying so much that there wasn’t any point in talking further.  I am happy to report that I was able to get through about 2 hours of conversation (much of it was off topic) before the tears came.  This is a significant improvement in any one’s book!  The big issue is still my lack of desire for a baby.  Since I do realize that I eventually want to have older children I am starting to come to terms with the fact that they have to be babies first.  This doesn’t make me feel any more confident in my ability to manage my illnesses and raise a child/children simultaneously, but it is a step in the right direction.

At my doctors appointment on Monday we asked the doctor about the danger of being on 15 mg of Paxil while pregnant since it is such a low dosage.  Apparently Paxil is a “class C” drug which means it shouldn’t be taken during the 3rd trimester, but I could be on Paxil during the beginning of my pregnancy.  There are other drugs that manage depression, but not ocd, anxiety or trichotillomania that are safe to be on during the entire pregnancy, but I don’t know if my body chemistry is compatible with those drugs.  Tareak is also to the point where he realizes that it might not be realistic for me to breast-feed our babies since I may need to be on medication.  Earlier in our marriage he was very adamant about our children being breastfed for at least 6 months, but he has now resigned to saying, “If it comes down to not having a baby, or having a baby that drinks formula, I’ll take the baby with formula.”  I wish there wasn’t a need for such compromises.

I’m hopeful that I’ll continue to feel in good spirits this year and for Tareak’s sake hope that my desire for children gets stronger sooner rather than later!

A Bah Humbug Christmas

One of the symptoms of depression is a loss of interest in activities that you once enjoyed.  Holidays have always been a big deal for me.  I had a list of over 50 things I wanted in a husband, and one of them was that he had to have a love and appreciation for the holidays.  Tareak certainly doesn’t have a natural love for holidays, but he is slowly gaining an appreciation, if only for my sake.  When I was younger I would spend hours in my room cutting out six-sided snowflakes to hang from the ceiling at Christmastime.  In college I would spend hours decorating our house for each holiday, but Christmas was always my favorite.

I received an e-mail from an old roommate asking if I had decorated for Christmas yet, and then she corrected herself when she remembered who she was e-mailing because OF COURSE Leslie would have already decorated for the holidays.  Well, I haven’t decorated, and I don’t have any desire to decorate.  The idea of going to get a Christmas Tree and decorate it to only have to take it down 10 days later just doesn’t sound appealing to me.  Part of me wonders if it is Tareak’s practical outlook on the holidays that has dampened my spirits, but deep down I know that it is just my good old friend, Depression.

Bah Humbug.

Baby Breakdown

Before you judge me for what I am about to say in the rest of this post, let me make a disclaimer:  “I know there is something wrong with me.”

I don’t like babies.  I don’t really like anything about them.  I have never liked babies.  I have never wanted to have babies.

I like kids.  Once they are about 4 or 5 and they can talk and you can reason with them, I think they are great!  This is where there is a problem.  In order to have a 4 or 5 year old child, you typically have to have a baby first.

Tareak loves babies.  Tareak loves kids.  Tareak would like to have enough children that he could populate a small country.  Tareak wishes we already had one or two kids.

This “Baby Issue” has been a point of contention in our marriage.  While we were dating I made it very clear that I wasn’t a big “baby-person”, but was open to the idea of one day having a couple kids.  Tareak didn’t take me seriously.  He thought that once we got married I would magically change and want lots of kids.

I am on Paxil for my anxiety, depression and trichotillomania.  A recent study showed an increased risk of birth defects in children that were exposed to Paxil during the first 3 months of pregnancy.  I have been on Paxil since I was 19 (I am now 26).  The idea was for me to be on the drug long enough that my brain would re-train itself and once I went off the drug my brain would remember how to act “normal” even though it wasn’t being chemically aided.  As Tareak was anxious to start having children, we started decreasing my Paxil dosage a few months after we got married.  The plan was for me to be completely off the medication by July of 2008 so we could start our family.

To make a long story short, I am still on 10 mg of Paxil and we haven’t attempted to start our family.  There are a number of reasons for this, but the two primary reasons are as follows:
1- I don’t have a desire to be pregnant and have a baby.  My little sister just gave birth to the first grand-baby and I am now an Aunt for the first time.  I truly believed that once I saw my sister with a baby that my maternal instinct would kick in and I would have a desire to have my own baby.  Unfortunately this hasn’t happened.  Tareak is the one always asking to go over and hold the baby.  I have a really hard time going along with having a baby when it isn’t something I have a natural desire for.  I also worry about what effects my lack of desire will have on both me and the baby, which leads me to reason #2.
2- I worry about my mental and emotional states and don’t trust that I am capable of taking care of a baby.  Because I suffer from depression, there is a high chance that I will also suffer from Postpartum Depression.  Also because there is a lack of desire for the baby in the first place, that also increases my risk for postpartum depression.  In my current situation, when I have a “breakdown” and don’t get out of bed for days, I only feel guilty that my dog isn’t getting enough exercise.  I drag myself out of bed to put food in her bowl, and then climb right back into bed.  Unfortunately, if I have a “breakdown” with a baby, I can’t just dump some food in a bowl and then get back into bed.  The guilt of not having the desire or capability to take care of a baby would just make things worse.

What you are probably thinking at this point:  “Tareak seems like a supportive husband, I’m sure he would help out if you had a “breakdown”.  This is absolutely true.  But that doesn’t take away the guilt I would feel.  You are also probably thinking, “A lot of women aren’t baby-people, but once they have a baby of their own everything changes.”  I believe this is absolutely true as well.  But I’m not willing to risk my feelings not changing and causing lasting negative effects on my husband, myself and the baby.

This brings us to a few days ago.  Before we were going to bed Tareak casually asked how I was doing with the “Baby Issue”.  Normally I try to avoid thinking about it because it only makes me feel bad.  My response to his question was immediate tears.  I feel horrible that I don’t have a desire to have babies, especially when I know how much it means to my husband.  After seeing the tears Tareak responded by saying, “Leslie, if you are never ready to have babies, that’s okay.  I’ll be very sad, but I will support you.”  This of course brought more tears.  It also sent me spiralling into a deep depression that consisted of several days with me and Kaya, my dog, closed up in our bedroom with my laptop and some books.  I managed to distract myself enough that I am back to the “avoiding the issue” stage, and am now functioning at the pre-baby-breakdown level.  But it is just a matter of time before I get to deal with yet another…. Baby Breakdown.