All Entries Tagged With: "disorder"

Crocheting keeps the hands busy

Leslie has identified the occasions when she is most likely to feel the urges of trichotillomania. The urges usually occur when she is reading (which she does a lot of) and when she is watching TV. I’m usually not around or have already gone to bed when she is doing these activities, and can’t monitor her or point out to her what’s happening. We decided to get her some of those rubber things people put on their fingers when they are sorting through papers. We got enough for all her fingers and this little trick works when she’s wearing them, however getting her to wear them is a challenge in and of itself. Recently Leslie started trying out a new technique for when she’s watching TV. Crochet. It keeps her hands busy and I think this technique is awesome. Time will tell if this new skill will help break the mental pull of Trichotillomania.

As bad as it sounds I love this disorder as benefits me so much. It like we have a symbiotic relationship except I don’t benefit her as much as she benefits me. I know the relationship is not yet equal but I’m working on it. More education and renewed vigilance on my part will hopefully help Leslie bring this disorder under control. I did get her to stop her life-long habit of biting her nails though, and she has been “clean” for the past 3 years. One disorder down and twenty or so to go.

SAD- Seasonal Affective Disorder

Not only am I lucky enough to have depression, I have SAD as well.

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder (click here for the Mayo-Clinic definition).  Basically what this means for me is my depression worsens during the gloomy winter months.  Washington state had an unusually dry September, and I had almost forgotten what was coming.  Then October 1st hit, and the rain began.  It hasn’t stopped raining (on and off) for the last 5 days.  I realize that there are many places suffering from drought and they would be more than glad to have this rain, but I CAN’T STAND IT!!!  The other night before going to bed Tareak and I were praying, and he thanked God for the rain.  I could feel the anger and annoyance building as he continued saying how beautiful it makes the earth.  I hate it when people pray for rain.  I could understand the need if you lived in Arizona or some desert-like place, but Washington?!?!  Seriously, there is enough rain here.

I went to college in Hawaii.  Growing up in Washington I had always said that I wouldn’t mind the rain so much if it was just warm rain.  Well, they have warm rain in Hawaii and it isn’t any better.  I decided that I wasn’t going to leave the house if it was raining that day.  Let’s just say I missed a lot of class in the winter months.  I still have a hard time leaving the house if it is raining.

I have been feeling especially tired this week.  I was getting my usual amount of sleep and couldn’t figure out the problem.  It wasn’t until today that I realized it was the SAD getting to me.  Mayo-Clinic says, “With seasonal affective disorder, fall’s short days and long nights may trigger feelings of depression, lethargy, fatigue and other problems.”  When it is all rainy and cold outside, all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.  One of the ways to treat SAD (and also Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which I also suffer from), is with light therapy.  I have a light that I’m supposed to sit in front of for 20 minutes each day.  The light produced is similar to sunlight and it helps to regulate sleep patterns and also help the effects of SAD.  I have no doubt that this light would help me feel better in the gloomy winter months, but there is just one problem;  I don’t want to feel good about the rain!  By not feeling down and out when it is gross outside, it is like I am accepting it.  There is a part of me that wants to wallow in misery because the weather makes me do so.  I’m sure after reading this blog, Tareak is going to start sitting me in front of my light, but I’ll show him!  I’ll just close my eyes really tight so I can still feel miserable about the rain.

What will they THINK?

So far in writing blog posts, I have felt rather anonymous.  Tareak and I are really the only ones that look at our blog.  This weekend Tareak started showing some of my family our blog.  I felt uncomfortable.

The reason we started blogging about depression (and my many other disorders) was to use it as a form of therapy for us, and also a way to educate others.  We were trying to get into a regular habit of writing before we told people about our blog, and I guess I got comfortable with the anonymity.

The plan is to e-mail our friends and family the link to our blog so they can get educated and also participate in my therapy through sharing comments, experiences, etc….  But as the time approaches, I feel so exposed.  I feel like someone just took off the mask I have been hiding behind and now the awful truth is going to be exposed.

I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job hiding most of my disorders from those around me.  What will they think of me when they find out the truth?  Why do I feel ashamed about who I am?  Why do I feel embarrassed about disorders that are no fault of my own?

I know on the outside most people are going to come across as being very supportive and understanding, but what are they really THINKING, and why do I care so much?

You may be a Rock but I move Mountains

I was telling Leslie today after reading her blog that it’s so insightful and helps me understand her better when she expresses what she’s going through in writing. She tries to explain it to me but I’m a little slow of learning and reading her thoughts gives me a chance to truly digest the emotion and feelings she must go through every day. As I study about depression and learn techniques that will help Leslie control her depression it has helped me feel more empathetic and loving towards her. I must admit that at times I catch myself thinking that I’m supporting a lazy person and that she needs to do more. I love the fact that financially my wife does not need to go to work. That leaves her with all the time in the world to make our home a beautiful and inviting place to be and she can develop her own interests while preparing to start a family. You can call me old fashioned or a chauvinist, that is completely your choice but I loved growing up watching my father take care of our financial needs while my mother took care of the home and us kids. They had a great system, one that I want to adopt and customize with Leslie.

It has taken some time for me to accept that she is struggling with something that scares the crap out of me and to which I have limited understanding. In light of that realization it falls upon me as a loving husband to do whatever it takes to help her help herself in mastering her mental condition and rise above her perceived mental weaknesses. I don’t care how long it takes and if in ten years Leslie’s ability to control her depression is only 5% improved then that’s a victory in my book, as long as she is always challenging herself and trying to conquer her mind paralyzing disorder. How do you move a mountain? One rock at a time. Do I feel up to the challenge? Well, once I moved a big pile of dirt with a wheel barrow and it took a few hours, so I figure a mountain may take awhile. I’d better pick up the pace.

One of the things that attracted me to Leslie was her extreme intelligence and ease at which she can do many things. She is gifted and endowed with numerous talents that I dream of having. Well now I have access to them but they are locked away most days due to the crippling effects of depression. When on occasion those talents are unleashed their affect on me is extremely positive and I get to learn and grow. Leslie has a fantastic ability to help people want to be better and If I can help her master her weaknesses then all those talents will have a chance to be explored and developed benefiting mostly me (I know I’m selfish) and all those around her.

Leslie often feels like she is a burden to me but in reality I try to work hard so that I don’t feel like I’m a burden to her. She has been a wonderful wife and most of all a friend who has strengthened so many weak areas of my life. She deserves a lot of credit for motivating me to be a better person and work towards a better future. If she was an optimist she probably would have figured that out by now.