All Entries Tagged With: "excited"

Facebook Social Anxiety

Since much of my social interaction these days is limited to the computer, it would make sense that there would also be some social anxiety involved.  I always have a tremendous amount of anxiety when I request for someone to be my “friend” on Facebook.  Many times the requests are to people that I haven’t seen or talked to in many years.  I start wondering:

“Are they going to think I’m a nerd for asking them to be my friend?”

“Were they really my friend years ago, or were they just humoring me and are now glad not to have contact with me?”

“Why haven’t they already requested my friendship?”

“I was never really good friends with them, only an acquaintance.  Am I being too forward in assuming they want to be my friend?”

“Are they just going to think I’m nosey and want to see their profile and know that I really don’t want to be their friend?”

Once I muster up the courage to ask them to be my friend (I often feel like a pathetic little child begging for friendship) the waiting game begins.  If they haven’t responded to my request in 24 hours I start wondering:

“Maybe they don’t use Facebook that often and they just haven’t seen my request.”

“They are probably telling all their “real” friends about the request they just got from Leslie and are having a good laugh because I thought we could be friends.”

“Maybe they don’t want to be my friend.”

Then once they accept my friend request my mind still can’t rest.  It is plagued with questions like:

“Did they just accept my friend request because they didn’t want to make me feel bad?”

“Am I one of those people they accept as a friend but then never look at my profile because they don’t care enough to see what I’m up to?”

I also have anxiety when some people ask me to be their friend.  I accept the friend request 99% of the time, but everyone falls into a certain category in my mind.  The categories are as follows:
-There are the people that I am genuinely excited to make contact with.  I usually send them an e-mail or short message after accepting them as a friend because I am so excited to hear from them.  When I don’t receive one of these “I’m so excited to hear from you…” messages from people I request as friends I assume they are just accepting my friendship out of pity.
-There are the people I haven’t heard from or talked to in years that I am happy to know still exist, but I have no idea what to say to them or if they are looking for a full blown reunion, so I just quietly accept their request and check their profile every so often for any updates.
-There are people that request my friendship that I don’t even know, but know Tareak.  Tareak can’t be bothered to create his own Facebook account, and so all of his friends request to be friends with me.  I always check with him before adding them, and then on days when I’m feeling bad about myself I go into my Facebook account and count how many people are my friends and how many are Tareak’s, as though it is some sort of competition.  I am always bummed that he has almost as many friend as I do and it isn’t even his account.
-Lastly there are the people that I would never consider requesting their friendship, but for whatever reason they want to be friends with me.  I start asking myself, “Do they actually think we are friends?”, “Are they just trying to get a lot of friends by requesting friendship with everyone they have spoken to in their entire life?”, “Are they really curious enough about my life that they want access to my profile?- If so, I am kinda flattered in a strange way.”

Oh the dramas of having a Facebook account.  Who knew it could be so complicated?  I guess my life could be worse… =)

Australia trip

Leslie and I are having a great time in Australia.  She genuinely looks and seems happier right now.  The change in environment and spending more time with me may have contributed? I think the big thing is that we have a plan for the next three years.  That plan is really simple and realistic.  The thing that stresses Leslie out the most is our mortgage, or rather it is the thing that stresses me out the most which then stresses her out.  The idea that my mortgage will take thirty years to pay off really bothers me, but since I’ve been in Australia I have worked out a new financial plan that will allow me to pay the house off in about 8 years.  That idea really excites me and Leslie has noticed an improvement in my countenance.  I don’t realize how my moods affect Leslie and it’s something I’m going to really have to work on.  She has enough to worry about and doesn’t need me stressing out over our finances to make things worse, especially since we are not in a bad situation like so many people out there.

Leslie has been working with me here in Australia to help me understand her a lot better.  Understanding her more deeply will help our relationship grow. It will help me better understand how I can help her best eliminate depression from her life so she can be that vibrant and happy woman that I know is waiting to escape her mental prison.

“Catching” Depression

In some ways I think of depression as being like a cold.  It makes you feel just bad enough that you don’t want to do anything, but you know that if you could somehow convince yourself to get going you are physically able to be productive.  Depression is also contagious.  Unfortunately Tareak “caught” depression from me a while back and has been quietly suffering in his own way.

I married Tareak for his passion.  I have never been a passionate person (even when I’m not depressed) and admired the passion for life that Tareak possessed.  After getting married I slowly watched as I sucked some of that life and passion from Tareak and replaced it with depression.  He has been frustrated that he hasn’t been as motivated and passionate about life as he used to be and has even caught himself buying into the “9-5″ mentality, something he swore to himself and to me that he would never do.

Every once in a while I say something, or something happens that springs Tareak out of his “caught” depression temporarily.  These past two weeks I have been feeling a bit better than usual for reasons still unknown to me.  Tareak has fed off this energy and has sprung higher than I have seen him in a while.  In addition to my “up” moods he has been reading the book, “The 4-Hour Workweek”, which basically outlines how to have a mobile lifestyle, which is what Tareak has always dreamed of having.  This book has fueled hours of internet searches and many long discussions about all the possibilities for our future.  I love seeing him so excited about life again.

I hope that this re-found excitement isn’t just another temporary boost, but that both of us can figure out how to make excitement about life something a bit more permanent.

Adoption Thinking

I was an emotional mess last summer when Tareak and I began to seriously discuss starting a family.  I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to have babies, but wanted to adopt, and knew that there must be something wrong with me.  I would spend hours online searching for something, anything, to tell me that I was normal.  I came across many accounts of women who had adopted after not being able to get pregnant.  I came across accounts of women who had no desire to get pregnant because they were afraid of giving birth, or who didn’t want to bring any more children into this screwed up world.  I came across accounts of women who didn’t want to have children either biologically or through adoption because it would mean they would have to put their careers on hold.  I couldn’t relate to the experiences of any of these women.  I was left feeling very alone and the suspicions I had of there being something wrong with me were validated.

I have always wanted to adopt children, not babies, but older children.  I know some people are afraid of adopting older children because they are afraid they won’t be able to bond with them as easily as they could if they were a baby.  I have never had this fear.  Some people get excited and giddy about the idea of having a baby who is a miniature version of themselves running around.  This idea has never excited me.  I’ve always been excited about the idea of having a child that I choose.  I enjoy looking at adoption websites and browsing the listings of children waiting to be adopted.  Sometimes I feel bad because it is similar to shopping for a car and you get to choose the hair color, eye color, ethnicity, etc…  I know that it is kind of twisted to compare adopting a child to buying a car, but I can’t help that I get giddy and excited when I browse through the photo listings of the children.  I yearn to adopt one of them the same way that other women yearn to get pregnant.

Yesterday I was reading blogs on Psychology Today and came across a blog written by a woman who had adopted 2 children.  As I read her blog I felt an enormous sense of relief.  I could relate to almost every word she said.  It was the first time I had ever felt like I wasn’t the only one out there who feels the way I do about children and adoption.  Since I found the article yesterday I’ve gone back and re-read it several times because I feel the same relief each time knowing that if there is something wrong with me I know now that I’m not the only one.