All Entries Tagged With: "job"

Angry with Depression

Loss of interest in normal daily activities

Feeling sad or down

Feeling hopeless

Crying spells for no apparent reason

Problems sleeping

Trouble focusing or concentrating

Difficulty making decisions

Unintentional weight gain or loss

Irritability

Restlessness

Being easily annoyed

Feeling fatigued or weak

Feeling worthless

Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain
or headaches

I don’t know how I let this happen- AGAIN!  I thought I had everything under control despite all of the major life changes occurring right now.  It makes me wonder if it was the Wellbutrin that was helping me, or if it was the fact that I was getting my house ready to sell and I was BUSY.

I am in limbo right now, living in the room above my parents garage.  We are waiting to find out when Tareak can be transferred to Georgia where we can start a new life.  He is doing a temporary job with his company right now and he is working 12-15 hour days.  He hasn’t had a day off in a month, including weekends.  I’m not used to him being gone so much.  I feel bad for Tareak.  He gets home after a long day of work and just wants to relax with me, but I am beyond BLAH and don’t know why.  I don’t like it at all and I take out all my frustrations on him when he gets home.

I’ve felt myself slipping for the past couple weeks, but today I finally admitted to myself that I have re-entered the world of depression.  Instead of feeling the dread of knowing what is coming, I just feel angry.  I’m angry that I didn’t see this coming.  I’m angry that there is nothing I could have done to prevent the depression from coming back.  I’m angry with Tareak’s company for putting us in this position.  I’m angry I can’t just snap myself out of this.  I’m angry that all I want to do is curl up in bed and never wake up, but I can’t even fall asleep.  I’m angry that depression is a disease and not just a passing mood.  I’m angry that my magic purple pill (Wellbutrin) isn’t working miracles on me.  In other words, I’m just plain angry with Depression.

Combating Negativity

I must admit that in the last few months I have allowed myself to feel down.  This could have been caused by Leslie’s influence on me, which is what I was thinking.  I have since come to realize that in addition to her negative influence I have felt job dissatisfaction. I have a strong desire to be successful at something, anything and I strive to do a great job for my employer.  My employer believes that I am an asset to the company but I feel like I should be able to do more.  It drives me crazy thinking that I could have done a better job but failed to meet my own expectations.  On top of that I have been feeling down about 4 years of failing as an entrepreneur.  It addition to that I have been struggling to help Leslie with her depression.  On top of all those issues I really want to start my family and that’s just not possible right now.  So I have been feeling a little down lately and have really been excited to go home to Australia in a few weeks to just take a break.

Leslie noticed that I was at an all-time low and found a book that reminded her of me… well, of the “old-me”.  It is called the 4 hour work week and she was right- I love it! This guy is doing what I have been trying to do for the last 5 years.  WOW have I been screwing things up.  Well better late then never.  Since reading this book I feel the excitement of life creeping back into me.  I feel rejuvenated and ready for the next round.  I guess you could say I was feeling a little sorry for myself for all of my failures instead of focusing on my successes.  But I’m back to my usual optimistic self and all is well.

Baby Talk

A few days ago Leslie wanted to talk about starting our family. Of course I got a little excited at the prospect that she has figured out in her mind how to make it work.  She suggested that if we work with the doctors on a mix of medication during certain parts of the pregnancy, with the option of being fully medicated after the birth then she would feel more comfortable with the idea.  My job is to set up an appointment with the doctor who put Leslie on Paxil so we can figure out the best drug combination that will allow her to function while limiting the fetus exposure to harmful side effects.

This strategy requires some compromise that has been difficult for me, however the alternative is not that appealing to me right now either.  Things I would be compromising:  1- I really wanted Leslie to function independent of drugs.  2- By incorporating drugs into our family planning it will mean our children will be raised on formula instead of the brain nourishing good stuff that only mothers can make. This later one is really hard for me on a number of levels.  I truly believe that mothers milk is the greatest thing for babies and medically it is proven. I understand that some mothers cannot produce enough milk for their children or the baby may be lactose intolerant (like Leslie).  In these cases I think formula is a great alternative, however it seems in western countries the marketing machine has downgraded the natural process for passing immune strengthening milk and substituted it with a inferior product.  All of a sudden something that is best for the child is switched out with something that pales in comparison at a significant cost.  It’s complete craziness if you ask me, however in our situation where Leslie is more likely to be on medication after the birth of our children it would be unwise for her to feed them mothers milk due to the fact that the medication will be pasted on.  At the end of the day I may not have everything according to my ideal, BUT I will get a chance at being a dad and any sacrifice is worth it to me.

Responsibility- Blessing or Curse?

I thrive on responsibility.  Responsibility can also be my greatest hindrance.  I am somewhat of a perfectionist that has very high expectations of myself and of others.  I partially blame this on my personality (perfectionism is an OCD trait), and I partially blame this on my parents for drilling into my head that as the oldest child it is my responsibility to set a good example for my younger siblings.  (Sorry Mom and Dad- you knew deep down that I couldn’t have a whole blog devoted to my mental state and not blame you for anything!)  =)

If I commit to do something (which I try to avoid at all costs), I won’t let you down.  I take my commitments and responsibilities seriously.  I have accepted the challenge of teaching the 4 and 5 year old children at church every Sunday.  Most days I get out of bed anywhere between noon and 6pm.  Church is at 9am.  It takes all my energy to get out of bed on Sunday’s, but I can’t handle the idea of not fulfilling my responsibility and the guilt that would come along with that, and so I get up.

My dog has adjusted to my strange sleep habits and now sleeps most of the day.  But when she is ready for me to get up, she lets me know.  She sits next to the bed and cries, not loud cries, just little whimpers.  I don’t think anyone with a heart could roll over and go back to sleep after hearing her wake up call.  So because I have committed to taking care of my dog, I roll out of bed reluctantly and start my day.

The above are examples of ways that responsibility actually motivates me to do things I would otherwise not consider.  A few months ago I thought it would be a good idea for me to get a part time job in order to simply get me out of bed and out of the house each day.  After a few weeks I saw the perfect job for me advertised on Craigslist.  It was from Noon-5pm Tues-Fri.  It was an office job at a local Psychiatry office where they use therapy dogs as part of their counseling sessions.  I was excited and motivated to get this job.  Driving to the interview I felt a sense of freedom and independence that only comes with earning your own money.  I aced the interview and we set up a time for a second and final interview with the main therapist.  As I was talking to Tareak about the job the fear started creeping in.  “What if I don’t get up on time for work?”, “What if I can’t motivate myself enough to get up and go to work?”.  I called the next morning and cancelled my second interview.  The idea of failing to meet my responsibilities due to any bouts with depression and letting people down was too much for me to handle.

Tareak has seen both the positive and negative effects responsibility can have on me.  Unfortunately he has seen more instances of my fear of failure and this has caused him to be hesitant in asking me to do much of anything.  It has also made him hesitant to do things he would like to do for fear of leaving me behind because I can’t keep up.  This week we were discussing this and he decided that he needs to keep trekking up that mountain of life and quit waiting for me and quit trying to carry me on his back.  This concept was hard for him because he doesn’t like the idea of leaving me behind.  But what he is still understanding is that since I don’t want to be left behind, I am going to have to take more responsibility for myself and get myself up the mountain on my own.

So is responsiblity a blessing or a curse?  It can definitely be both, but I would like to get to the point where it is more of a blessing and helps me to conquer life, rather than make me afraid to fail.