All Entries Tagged With: "job"

I’m not lazy, I’m depressed

Okay, so maybe I am a bit lazy, but who doesn’t enjoy doing nothing every once in a while?!?!

There is a difference though between laziness and depression. In my opinion, being lazy is not wanting to do anything at all and reveling in the fact that you aren’t doing anything. You are enjoying every minute of your laziness. Depression is different. When you are depressed you don’t want to do anything, but only because the idea of doing anything makes you feel absolutely exhausted. When you aren’t doing anything, you don’t enjoy your time. You feel guilty for every minute that goes by where if you only weren’t depressed you know you would be doing something productive. You wish that you felt like tackling that long list of things you want to accomplish, but you just can’t. You don’t have it in you.

I always feel like I have to apologize or make excuses for my “laziness”. Whenever we meet people I dread the question, “So what do you do?” Most 26 year old married women without children have a job. Actually, most 26 year old women whether they are married, single, have kids or not still have a job. You could say that I don’t fit the standard. I usually answer the question by saying, “Oh, I’m a stay-at-home dog mom” and then laugh. In most cases this keeps people from asking any further questions. How am I supposed to respond? “Oh, I’m too depressed to work. Yes, I know I seem normal and happy right now, but you don’t realize how much effort it is taking to put on this happy face for you and the idea of working a full time job scares me so much it makes me want to crawl into a dark cave and never come out.” While this response would probably also keep people from asking further questions, I feel safer with the first response.

Why do I feel like I have to apologize or make excuses for not working? Wouldn’t most people love the idea that they didn’t have to work and their spouse also loved the idea of them not working? Before we even figured out I was suffering from depression again Tareak suggested I stop working. He likes the idea of being able to support his wife financially so she doesn’t have to work. There have been several times we’ve thought it would be good therapy for me to have a part time job, but I haven’t been able to do it yet. When I think about committing to a company that I am going to be there a certain number of hours at certain times each week, I start doubting myself. I wonder if I wake up feeling completely bogged down by the world if the commitment I’ve made will be enough to get me out of bed. I am inclined to think that it won’t be as it has not been a motivator with past jobs. I hate letting people down, and so it is easier to just not make the commitment in the first place.

My sisters don’t understand my depression. They think I am lazy for not working when in their minds there is no good reason why I shouldn’t. “Why wouldn’t we want a second income to pay down the house more quickly?” “What do you do all day?” “Leslie can research that for me, she doesn’t have anything better to do all day.” I often wish that people I know could experience the feeling of depression for just one day, and then it would go away. (I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone long-term!) I would just love for people to actually understand how hard it is, first hand, to get out of bed and function during the day in a depressed state. Maybe people wouldn’t be so quick to judge if they understood. Maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to make excuses, or feel guilty about not working.

But, in the current world we live in, I suppose if I didn’t understand depression I would think I’m lazy too.