All Entries Tagged With: "Kaya"

Puppy Tears

Jacy- 8 weeks

My plans for getting back on track with blogging were disrupted by this cute puppy.  Tareak and I decided we wanted Kaya to have a friend and thought a puppy would be fun for all of us.  Neither Tareak or I have ever had a puppy before, so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  Jacy is an 8 week old rat terrier and when she is full grown will be the same size as Kaya.

Having a puppy is harder than I anticipated.  In the last week I haven’t slept for more than 4 solid hours at a time.  My body is tired.  My brain is tired.  My sister asked me if having a puppy made me more or less excited to have a baby.  My answer was definitely LESS excited!  I think I am more of an older child/older dog type person.  I don’t mind adopting dogs from the shelter that have been locked in a basement their whole life and only have one ear.  It gives them character.  Many people don’t like the idea of adopting older children because they are “damaged”.  I think this is what draws me to them in a way.  I feel like I can identify with some of the mental struggles they must be going through and I want to help.

We have had Kaya for almost 2 years.  She is a permanent part of our lives and family.  We had a rhythm and a routine that everyone followed.  When we adopted Jacy this whole routine and rhythm was disrupted.  Kaya was very jealous of our newest addition.  If I was holding Jacy, Kaya wouldn’t come and sit with me.  My heart was aching because I felt so bad for Kaya.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was being replaced or had to compete for my attention.  She was mad at me, and I could feel it.

The other night Tareak and I were watching a movie and Jacy was sitting on one couch with me, and Kaya was on the other.  I wanted Kaya to like me again, so I put Jacy on the other couch with Tareak hoping that Kaya would come and sit with me.  She didn’t.  I waited and waited.  The movie was over and she still wouldn’t sit with me.  I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t.  I wanted my old life back.  I didn’t want a puppy any more.  I resented her for ruining everything.  I wanted Kaya to like me again.  I wanted to SLEEP!

Kaya must have known something was wrong because the next morning she was back to her old self.  She has taken Jacy under her wing and allows Jacy to bite her ear stub, jump on her while she is sleeping, and everything else that comes along with being an older sister.  She will sit with me when I am holding Jacy and I know she isn’t mad at me anymore.  I still haven’t had any good sleep, but things are definitely looking up.

This whole experience has really made me reflect on having children.  At least I wanted a puppy, and so the struggle and disruption is something I can accept.  What will happen if I have a baby that is even more disruptive than a puppy?  Will I resent the baby too?  What will happen if I adopt older children that will also disrupt and turn my life upside down?  Will I cope with that any better?  So many questions, but still no answers.

I will try to keep blogging as I find a new routine and rhythm in life and hope there will be no more puppy tears.

Baby Breakdown

Before you judge me for what I am about to say in the rest of this post, let me make a disclaimer:  “I know there is something wrong with me.”

I don’t like babies.  I don’t really like anything about them.  I have never liked babies.  I have never wanted to have babies.

I like kids.  Once they are about 4 or 5 and they can talk and you can reason with them, I think they are great!  This is where there is a problem.  In order to have a 4 or 5 year old child, you typically have to have a baby first.

Tareak loves babies.  Tareak loves kids.  Tareak would like to have enough children that he could populate a small country.  Tareak wishes we already had one or two kids.

This “Baby Issue” has been a point of contention in our marriage.  While we were dating I made it very clear that I wasn’t a big “baby-person”, but was open to the idea of one day having a couple kids.  Tareak didn’t take me seriously.  He thought that once we got married I would magically change and want lots of kids.

I am on Paxil for my anxiety, depression and trichotillomania.  A recent study showed an increased risk of birth defects in children that were exposed to Paxil during the first 3 months of pregnancy.  I have been on Paxil since I was 19 (I am now 26).  The idea was for me to be on the drug long enough that my brain would re-train itself and once I went off the drug my brain would remember how to act “normal” even though it wasn’t being chemically aided.  As Tareak was anxious to start having children, we started decreasing my Paxil dosage a few months after we got married.  The plan was for me to be completely off the medication by July of 2008 so we could start our family.

To make a long story short, I am still on 10 mg of Paxil and we haven’t attempted to start our family.  There are a number of reasons for this, but the two primary reasons are as follows:
1- I don’t have a desire to be pregnant and have a baby.  My little sister just gave birth to the first grand-baby and I am now an Aunt for the first time.  I truly believed that once I saw my sister with a baby that my maternal instinct would kick in and I would have a desire to have my own baby.  Unfortunately this hasn’t happened.  Tareak is the one always asking to go over and hold the baby.  I have a really hard time going along with having a baby when it isn’t something I have a natural desire for.  I also worry about what effects my lack of desire will have on both me and the baby, which leads me to reason #2.
2- I worry about my mental and emotional states and don’t trust that I am capable of taking care of a baby.  Because I suffer from depression, there is a high chance that I will also suffer from Postpartum Depression.  Also because there is a lack of desire for the baby in the first place, that also increases my risk for postpartum depression.  In my current situation, when I have a “breakdown” and don’t get out of bed for days, I only feel guilty that my dog isn’t getting enough exercise.  I drag myself out of bed to put food in her bowl, and then climb right back into bed.  Unfortunately, if I have a “breakdown” with a baby, I can’t just dump some food in a bowl and then get back into bed.  The guilt of not having the desire or capability to take care of a baby would just make things worse.

What you are probably thinking at this point:  “Tareak seems like a supportive husband, I’m sure he would help out if you had a “breakdown”.  This is absolutely true.  But that doesn’t take away the guilt I would feel.  You are also probably thinking, “A lot of women aren’t baby-people, but once they have a baby of their own everything changes.”  I believe this is absolutely true as well.  But I’m not willing to risk my feelings not changing and causing lasting negative effects on my husband, myself and the baby.

This brings us to a few days ago.  Before we were going to bed Tareak casually asked how I was doing with the “Baby Issue”.  Normally I try to avoid thinking about it because it only makes me feel bad.  My response to his question was immediate tears.  I feel horrible that I don’t have a desire to have babies, especially when I know how much it means to my husband.  After seeing the tears Tareak responded by saying, “Leslie, if you are never ready to have babies, that’s okay.  I’ll be very sad, but I will support you.”  This of course brought more tears.  It also sent me spiralling into a deep depression that consisted of several days with me and Kaya, my dog, closed up in our bedroom with my laptop and some books.  I managed to distract myself enough that I am back to the “avoiding the issue” stage, and am now functioning at the pre-baby-breakdown level.  But it is just a matter of time before I get to deal with yet another…. Baby Breakdown.

Dog Therapy

I have a dog. She is a 2 year old, one-eared rat terrier named Kaya.

Shortly after we were married in February of 2007 we realized that I was again suffering from depression. I am a huge dog-lover, and hadn’t had a dog since 2001 when my dog Cheyenne passed away. Tareak grew up in a house where animals weren’t allowed in the house, and told me I could have a dog if it lived outside. Now, I’m not a huge outdoors person, and so the idea of having to go outside to see my dog was not appealing. Every day when he’d go to work I’d jump on Craigslist and look for the perfect dog in hopes I’d convince him of wanting an indoor dog. One night I came across an ad for a one-eared rat terrier and the pictures just made me laugh. I had never seen a one-eared dog before. By the time Tareak warmed up to the idea of a one-eared dog, the post on Craigslist was gone. A week later it was re-posted and Kaya came into our lives. The main Tareak agreed to getting a dog was because he felt bad that he worked a lot and I was home by myself.

Kaya has been a great source of therapy for me. One of the major symptoms of depression that I suffer from is excessive sleeping. I have an extremely hard time motivating myself to get out of bed in the morning. I can just never think of anything important enough, or exciting enough to make me want to get out of a warm comfortable bed. This is where Kaya comes in. Kaya has a bed next to ours and she is pretty good about sleeping when I sleep, but unfortunately for depressed me, she can’t sleep as long as I can. There is just something about a one-eared 15 lb dog that looks so helpless. At least 75% of the time she is the reason I get up in the morning. I figure she is lonely or needs more food and I just feel bad. It is a shame that I can’t be motivated enough to get up on my own, but hopefully one day I’ll get to that point.

Rat terriers, especially young ones like Kaya, have a lot of energy. It is usually recommended that people get a dog that is a few steps under you on the “energy scale”. Well, Kaya’s energy is definitely more comparable with Tareak’s than with mine. This means that she needs a lot of exercise. We have a yard and a doggie door so she can go outside and chase squirrels and cats whenever she wants. It is easy for me to think that this is enough exercise for her. Unfortunately for depressed me, she needs to go on walks as well. I enjoy going for walks, but with my depressed brain it is easy to forget that I enjoy going for walks and just focus on all the reasons why I don’t want to go. “It is too cold outside”, “It is too hot outside”, “Putting on my shoes takes too much effort”, “I don’t feel like putting a bra on today”, the list goes on and on. Since Washington state is rainy much of the time, we decided to buy a treadmill. We had seen “The Dog Whisperer” use one for his dogs, so we decided to give it a try. Now you’d think that after exhausting my excuses for not taking Kaya on a walk outside that I’d at least be able to put her on the treadmill, well you thought wrong. Most days it seems too exhausting and like a HUGE task to put her on the treadmill for 1/2 hour. She loves the treadmill. She gets treats while she walks on the treadmill, but I have to sit next to the treadmill on the hard floor and give her the treats while she walks. Some days even that can seem like too much for me. But then she goes and stands on the treadmill and waits for me to turn it on, and I just can’t deny her. Something so small would not even register on most people’s list of things they accomplished that day, but putting her on the treadmill is huge for me. Some days this is the only thing I accomplish.

Research shows that just petting your dog releases feel good hormones. A 2004 article on MSNBC states:

“Now there’s new research from the University of Missouri-Columbia suggesting the hormonal changes that occur when humans and dogs interact could help people cope with depression and certain stress-related disorders. Preliminary results from a study show that a few minutes of stroking our pet dog prompts a release of a number of “feel good” hormones in humans, including serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin.”

So when all else fails, and the puppy eyes can’t get me out of bed in the morning, or get me to take Kaya on a walk, at least I know I’m still getting therapy from just giving her a good scratch on the belly.