Our almost 3000 mile drive to Atlanta with 2 dogs wasn’t as bad as we anticipated it would be.  We almost died once, but other than that it was smooth sailing.  Upon arriving in Atlanta the biggest snowstorm in recent history struck.  Under normal circumstances this would have been fun and exciting for me.  We had an air mattress (thankfully) and a couple of blankets to sustain us in our rental house for a WEEK!  We were snowed into the house and our POD was stranded due to the storm.  I should have known that this was an omen of bad things to come.

Unfortunately things only went downhill from this point.  My depression was increasing and this was creating a huge strain in our marriage.  Tareak was stressed with his new job and was gone 15+ hours/day.  He felt bad leaving me home, without a car, in my depressed state, but there weren’t many options available to us.  We realized that unlike a lot of couples, we get along best when we spend every waking hour together.  We were spending about 1/2 hr together each day and somehow managed to argue more than we had during our entire marriage combined.  For the first time we were seriously considering separation.

To make a really long story short, we left Atlanta after being there 2 months and got back in the car and drove 3000 miles back to Washington state.  Some would say we didn’t give Atlanta a chance.  Some would say we shouldn’t have gone in the first place.  We did the only thing we could do to save our marriage.  The moral of the story, “DO NOT MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH A DEPRESSED SPOUSE IF YOU DON’T HAVE A SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE”.  Moving is stressful for anyone, but for someone who suffers from depression it can be a breaking point.

Looking back (isn’t hindsight great?), I think we could have made the big move work with a few minor changes.
1- Put a support system into place before you even move.  Your spouse will be your #1 support person, and they need to understand and accept this.  It is easy to tell yourself, “I’ll be fine.”  I was excited about the move and so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about.  I needed human interaction.  I was depressed; I wasn’t going to go and try to make friends with the neighbors.  I didn’t even want to answer my phone.  Ask friends and family to call and check up on you on a regular basis.  Then have your spouse follow up with them to make sure the phone calls are happening.  While I might not have wanted to answer the phone once I went into a depressed state, I would have felt obligated because I was the one that asked for help in the first place.
2- Get settled before starting the new job.  Because Tareak was working such long hours, we didn’t have time to do much of anything.  In an ideal world I could have set up utilities, etc… while he was at work, but my anxiety (especially about phone calls) made me pretty much useless.  Unpack the basic necessities.  Set up your bank account.  Set up all your utilities.  Change your vehicle registration.  Buy a second car.  Get new drivers licenses.  Learn how to get to the grocery store.   The list goes on and on, but you get the idea.  None of these things were taken care of before Tareak started work and that created a lot of unnecessary stress and tension in our home.
3- Meet the locals.  For someone with social anxiety this suggestion is laughable.  I’m about as friendly and outgoing as a rock.  I do however attend church weekly.  This was extremely uncomfortable to do in a new environment surrounded by new people, but I made myself go.  Did I talk to anyone at church?  Not if I could help it.  I did the best I could to sneak in and out without ever actually having to speak.  We attended church about 1/2 dozen times in Atlanta and I will admit that near the end it wasn’t quite as scary and faces starting becoming familiar.  In time I think I could have been more comfortable and maybe even made a friend.
4- Make sure you are both seeing and understanding the whole situation.  The long hours Tareak was working came as a surprise to both of us.  Had I known that he would be working such long hours I could have perhaps prepared myself better mentally.  Because we weren’t spending a lot of time together, Tareak had no idea why he would come home to a depressed wife every day.  He took my mental state personally and felt responsible for “fixing” me.  It took a while for him to realize that the highlight of my day was when he got home from work and couldn’t understand why I’d get upset when he just wanted to sit in front of the TV and unwind.  It took me a while to understand that he had been gone for 15 hours and to expect a happy peppy husband who was ready to conquer the huge list of “to-dos” wasn’t realistic.

Could we have made things work in Atlanta?  I guess we’ll never know.  In order to move back to Washington Tareak had to resign from his job and we are now living on our savings.  But you know what?  We have never been happier.  I love having my best friend and support system around 24/7, and he is finally making the time to explore his entrepreneurial dreams and talents.  Life is good…Finally.

In my world mental infertility does exist.  It is the reason Tareak and I don’t have any children.  If I was mentally healthy, children wouldn’t be an issue.  Mental illness, like physical (versus mental) infertility, is hard on everyone involved and can put a strain on marriages.  In addition to dealing with the regular challenges of marriage, infertility can cause feelings of sadness for the loss of potential unborn biological children.

I am mentally infertile for more than one reason.  I have to be on medication to manage my mental illnesses.  This medication is dangerous to the fetus during pregnancy and to the baby through breast milk.  I know all pregnancies have risks, but because I don’t want to increase those risks substantially I cause myself to be infertile due to my mental illnesses.  If I were to choose not to take the medication, I would still be mentally infertile, but for different reasons.  If I don’t take medication and manage my mental illnesses during pregnancy, I can actually harm the fetus more than if I was on medication.  The stress and problems that arise from not managing the mental illnesses effect the fetus and not only cause premature birth, but can weaken the child’s immune system for life.  Without the medication my moods are unstable and there are days I can’t even take care of myself, let alone a child.

So is mental infertility a real disease?  Absolutely!  Infertility (physically) is a sensitive topic that isn’t often discussed (hence the National Infertility Awareness Week), but the topic of mental illness is even more taboo.  Mental infertility is very real and very hurtful in many ways.  Even though they might not admit it or want to talk about it, mental infertility effects more people then you would expect.

I asked Leslie a week ago or so if she was depressed and she said no. I would have to affirm that statement.  She hasn’t been acting depressed and I haven’t felt it effecting my moods negatively at all. She has been visibly happier which really puts a smile on my face.  Is the journey still going to be difficult, you bet but at least we are heading in the right direction. I believe eliminating just 50% of her allergies will increase her ability to manage her depression.  With her new found discoveries of codependency she is working at adjusting the way she thinks so she can become mentally stronger.  I don’t know the role the sun plays in all of this but I know it helps so bring it on.

I’m hoping to have her completly cured of everthing by Christmas……is that to optimistic?

I think this is an interesting theory and one that I definitely buy into.  In the last month of improvements I’ve seen in my life, my medication dosages have not changed, but my attitude has- and this has improved my relationship with Tareak and my view of myself.

Let’s Expand Our View of Depression: You’re More Than Your Biochemistry