All Entries Tagged With: "marriage"

She got the Rose

I think its funny that Leslie asked me if she was on The Bachelor would I have given her the rose.  I might not have had an opportunity to scan through possible marriage candidates via an application process.  Or for that matter had them all try to impress me at the same time in addition to me impressing them with budget blowing dates.  After all the fancy dates are over and the contestants are reduced to one, the real reality sets in and unfortunately The Bachelor has not proven to be a place were lasting love can be found.  All I had was a willingness to work, a little money and a big dream.  What did she have to offer me …….?  Once you peel back the mental health issues and a dislike for dancing there is a person with unmeasurable intelligence and talent.  If I’m never able to help Leslie tap into it in this life I promise I will be tapping into it in the eternities.  I believe that each of us are literal spiritual off spring of a loving Father in Heaven  and were blessed with varying degrees of intelligence. What I offered to Leslie was a no frills eternal rose, one that so far has lasted longer then a few fleeting months. In the end we chose each other and I’m smart enough to know that I can’t lose in this deal.

Would I Get A Rose?

Tareak and I are very honest with each other.  We don’t always try to spare each other’s feelings in order to give the “right answer”.  My sisters think that some of the things Tareak says to or about me are mean, but I don’t feel this way.  With that said….

I love the television show, The Bachelor.  I am not ashamed to admit this.  The Bachelor on the show gets to choose from 25 beautiful and successful women and ideally ends up engaged to one of them by the end of the series.  The Bachelor lets the women know he likes them by giving them a red rose.  After watching this weeks episode I asked Tareak,

Leslie:  “If you were the Bachelor, would you have chosen me?”

(Note- After almost 2 years of marriage most husbands know the “correct” answer to this question is, “Of course Dear.  You are the only one for me.”)

Tareak:  “Well, what do you have to offer?”

(Note- This is one of the answers that my sisters would consider “mean”- but one of the reasons that I love and appreciate his honesty.)

At this point I felt my shoulders slump and I quietly answered,

Leslie:  “Not much, right now.”

Tareak:  “Well, what do you like to do?”

Leslie:  “I enjoy sleeping and reading”

Tareak:  “I mean, what do you like to do for fun?” (I guess he didn’t think I was serious about sleeping and reading being the “fun” things I like to do.)

Leslie:  “Ummm…. I like to bake cookies..?

Tareak:  “You know, I don’t know if I would have chosen you.  The women on these shows have a lot going for them and look really great on paper, but that isn’t important.  I chose to marry you and I’m happy I did so.”

He is right.  The women on these shows do have a lot going for them.  My brief bio would be something like:

Leslie- 26- Unemployed
College dropout who sleeps all day and reads all night.  Makes herself unattractive by pulling out her hair.

Why would anyone choose to be with someone like me?  I know that I was blessed with a lot of talents, but they are all dormant right now.  The depression that sucks all life out of me also sucks some life out of those I love and am close to.

A lot of times I feel bad for Tareak that he is “stuck” with me and a situation that he didn’t bargain for.  I wish that I had more to offer him at this point in life, but right now I wouldn’t give myself a rose, and wouldn’t expect anyone else to give me one either.

Good Start

2009- So far, So good.

Despite my delayed sleep phase syndrome being worse than ever, 2009 is proving to be significantly better than last year.  Nothing extraordinary has happened, but I am definitely in better spirits.

Last month I increased my Paxil dosage to 15 mg.  It takes a few weeks for your body to start noticing any changes, and so I decided to do an experiment.  I had a doctors appointment on Monday and wanted to make sure to get all my prescriptions re-filled at that time.  In order to know how much Paxil I should ask for I needed to know if 15 mg was effective.  I left Tareak a note on Saturday that we should have the “baby talk” on Sunday night to see how the 15 mg was working.  I could tell Tareak was excited to have the “baby talk” and I’m sure was hopeful that we’d be able to get through it without tears.

Sunday night rolled around and we set up a “picnic” on our bedroom floor and started chatting.  The 10 mg Leslie could only get through about 2 minutes of conversation before crying so much that there wasn’t any point in talking further.  I am happy to report that I was able to get through about 2 hours of conversation (much of it was off topic) before the tears came.  This is a significant improvement in any one’s book!  The big issue is still my lack of desire for a baby.  Since I do realize that I eventually want to have older children I am starting to come to terms with the fact that they have to be babies first.  This doesn’t make me feel any more confident in my ability to manage my illnesses and raise a child/children simultaneously, but it is a step in the right direction.

At my doctors appointment on Monday we asked the doctor about the danger of being on 15 mg of Paxil while pregnant since it is such a low dosage.  Apparently Paxil is a “class C” drug which means it shouldn’t be taken during the 3rd trimester, but I could be on Paxil during the beginning of my pregnancy.  There are other drugs that manage depression, but not ocd, anxiety or trichotillomania that are safe to be on during the entire pregnancy, but I don’t know if my body chemistry is compatible with those drugs.  Tareak is also to the point where he realizes that it might not be realistic for me to breast-feed our babies since I may need to be on medication.  Earlier in our marriage he was very adamant about our children being breastfed for at least 6 months, but he has now resigned to saying, “If it comes down to not having a baby, or having a baby that drinks formula, I’ll take the baby with formula.”  I wish there wasn’t a need for such compromises.

I’m hopeful that I’ll continue to feel in good spirits this year and for Tareak’s sake hope that my desire for children gets stronger sooner rather than later!

For Someone You Love

Leslie and I have almost been married for 2 years and it’s truly been a roller coaster ride. We have been together since 2005 and since the beginning she has always told me she was crazy and had all these issues.  I would tell her she wasn’t crazy but interesting and in every sense of the word an individual.  She had her own way and it didn’t bother me at all.  She would try to explain some of her conditions but I really had know idea how they made her feel because I didn’t suffer from any of them.  She was just Mellow-Leslie to me, someone who was readily and easily entertained. For the most part I didn’t really think much of her conditions and I continued that pattern of thought into our marriage.  It really hit me that I had no clue what she was going through when it really affected my master plan for having a family.  If you’ve read baby breakdown then you know how big of a struggle having children will be for us.  I will admit that before I started to truly understand Leslie’s depression I was frustrated with her more often than not because I just wanted her to snap out of it so we could start our family.  I have come to realize that I was doing more harm then good. Not having gone through the deep emotion of depression has made it difficult for me to truly understand, however, as I read and discuss it with Leslie I feel more confident than ever that we can overcome it together. Just last night I was talking to Leslie about challenging her negative thoughts one at a time.  We both know it wont be easy but I have seen a few glimpse of a depression free Leslie and I love it. Leslie my not have the confidence to have children at this time but I know we will get there and in the meantime we will continue to work on controlling her thoughts just one at a time.

I’m not the most paitent person in the world, but as I work with Leslie I have disovered a side of me I didn’t know existed.  A little more compassion, a little more understanding a whole lot of patience and a quiet resolve to conquor the depression beast within my wife are the things I’m learning.  I accept the responsibility of helping Leslie overcome her disorders so she can expirence the great joy of life in its fullness.  It will take a great effort on my behalf but I believe I’m ready now and beside wouldn’t you do the same for someone you love?