All Entries Tagged With: "motivation"

My Declaration of Dependence

I started taking Paxil just before I turned 19 years old.  The main reasons I started taking it was to help with my social anxiety, OCD, and also in hopes that it would help my trichotillomania (which it didn’t).  The doctor explained to me that since I was still young, the Paxil could help train my brain to think and process in a new way.  The hope was that after a few years I would be able to stop taking Paxil and my brain would have re-wired itself in such a way that I would no longer need it.  I tried a couple times to lower my dosage and wean off of Paxil, but each time I recognized the need my brain had for the drug.  It helped, and still helps control my obsessive thoughts.  I am now able to find the “Pause” button on my brain and allow myself to just stop obsessing about things.  Pre-Paxil, this wasn’t possible.  It also helps me think more rationally when I get anxious.  I accept that I may never be able to stop using Paxil and that is okay with me.

I have now been taking Wellbutrin for 2 months.  I am officially addicted to this drug and I love it!  A day hasn’t passed that I didn’t accomplish something that I could have never accomplished pre-Wellbutrin.  Earlier this week I slept late and was in a bit of a “blah” mood.  It took me back to the feeling that I experienced on a daily basis for the past few years.  I NEVER want to experience that feeling regularly EVER again.  I found myself in complete  amazement that I put up with that feeling for so long and never did anything about it.  Such is the trouble with depression- you know what needs to be done, but you just can’t do it no matter how much you want to change.

Tareak has finally learned how to keep up with me and my new found motivation and energy.   We are both more productive than we have ever been throughout our marriage.  It has been great for both of us to get to know this new side of each other.  I officially declare my dependence on both Paxil and Wellbutrin- and I am not ashamed.

In LOVE with my purple pill….

On January 30th, 2010 I took my first dose of Wellbutrin (well, the generic form, Bupropion).  My doctor recommended that I start with 150mg once a day.  This dose only lasts 12 hours.  One of the side effects of Wellbutrin is insomnia, so I only take one pill in the morning so I am able to sleep at night.  I am still taking 15mg of Paxil daily, and since Paxil lasts 24 hours, I am covered 24/7.

This little purple pill has completely turned my life upside down and Tareak wonders what happened to his wife.  I have energy.  I get tons done every day.  I have motivation.  I talk a lot more.  And best of all, I don’t feel depressed!  Tareak has only ever known the placid and emotionless Leslie, and now he is having a hard time keeping up with me!  NEVER, in a million years did I think this was possible.

I am kicking myself for waiting so long to try this medication.  I feel like I wasted the last 4 years of my life and now I can’t get them back.  I guess with all the extra energy I have I’ll just have to make up for lost time!  Time to go get to work…….

Refreshing Retreat

The last month has been really difficult.  I have felt completely drained physically and mentally at work.  On top of that I have felt low motivation for virtually everything. Leslie thinks this is depression but I don’t think so.  I just need a little break so I can re-energize.  That break is finally here and I am currently in Australia with my family.  It is great to be home.  Mum and Dad look fantastic. Leslie unpacked all our stuff while I took a refreshing shower after a twenty hour journey.  I’m looking forward to seeing my siblings and can already feel my regular energy levels returning.  This Australia trip is going to be a breakthrough trip for us. Leslie and I will be able to work on our relationship and hopefully figure out how we can better support each other with our varying needs. Depressed- I think not.  I was just down few a short period of time. If I was a super hero my super power would be my ability to pick myself up every time I fell down.  Now if I could just figure out how to use my special power to help Leslie then we could be like the Incredibles.  Well, I going to eat something Australian.

“Catching” Depression

In some ways I think of depression as being like a cold.  It makes you feel just bad enough that you don’t want to do anything, but you know that if you could somehow convince yourself to get going you are physically able to be productive.  Depression is also contagious.  Unfortunately Tareak “caught” depression from me a while back and has been quietly suffering in his own way.

I married Tareak for his passion.  I have never been a passionate person (even when I’m not depressed) and admired the passion for life that Tareak possessed.  After getting married I slowly watched as I sucked some of that life and passion from Tareak and replaced it with depression.  He has been frustrated that he hasn’t been as motivated and passionate about life as he used to be and has even caught himself buying into the “9-5″ mentality, something he swore to himself and to me that he would never do.

Every once in a while I say something, or something happens that springs Tareak out of his “caught” depression temporarily.  These past two weeks I have been feeling a bit better than usual for reasons still unknown to me.  Tareak has fed off this energy and has sprung higher than I have seen him in a while.  In addition to my “up” moods he has been reading the book, “The 4-Hour Workweek”, which basically outlines how to have a mobile lifestyle, which is what Tareak has always dreamed of having.  This book has fueled hours of internet searches and many long discussions about all the possibilities for our future.  I love seeing him so excited about life again.

I hope that this re-found excitement isn’t just another temporary boost, but that both of us can figure out how to make excitement about life something a bit more permanent.