All Entries Tagged With: "negative thoughts"
Am I Ready?
Last week my sister had some errands to run and so Tareak and I volunteered to babysit our 3 month old niece. This was the first time we had ever watched her at our house with no one else around. I was a bit apprehensive, knowing that I am uncomfortable around babies, but I reassured myself by remembering that Tareak was going to be here to help me. About 5 minutes before she arrived Tareak decided to make a phone call to our cell phone company and make some changes to our account. I was annoyed, but told myself it would be okay.
I gave my niece a tour of our house (since it was her first time here), we looked out all the windows into the backyard, and we watched Kaya play with her toys and bark at the invisible squirrels outside that only she can see. My sister left a schedule listing what time my niece was supposed to take a nap and what time she could eat. About 20 minutes before her designated nap time she started to cry. I talked to her, I bounced her, I walked around with her, I gave her a pacifier, I tried everything. You should probably know that the sound of a baby crying triggers something in my brain. It makes me want to hide in the closet with my ears plugged while curling up in a ball and rocking back and forth.
After about 10 minutes of straight crying I started to get mad at Tareak. He was still on the phone with the cell phone company (it had been over an hour). The thoughts went something like this: “Oh, so this is how it’s going to be when we have kids. Just when I need his help he’ll decide to make a phone call that could have easily waited.”
“If he’s the one that likes babies so much, why isn’t he the one taking care of her?”
“He says he is going to be there to help me when we have a baby, but if this is what he considers to be “helping”, then I’m not interested in his help.”
I’m sure the negative energy from these thoughts was not helping my niece calm down. After another 5 minutes Tareak emerged from the office and asked if I needed help. She calmed down quickly once she was removed from my negative presence and we played with her until she fell asleep in his arms. We laid her down on our bed, closed the door, and that is when my tears began. Tareak gave me a hug and told me I was doing a good job. I told him I didn’t think I was ready for a baby. I felt bad for Tareak at this point. He went from calming down one baby to trying to get the even bigger baby (me) to stop crying.
Our niece slept for only 20 minutes, and was then ready to get up and play and eat. As I am feeding her Tareak decides that we should make some lunch because he is hungry. I told him to just eat a small snack and we would have an early dinner. He asked why we couldn’t have lunch and I told him it is because we were watching our niece. At this point I realized that Tareak and I view babies very differently, his way being much less stressful. I envision having to play with and entertain the baby non-stop when it is awake and not be able to do anything else. Tareak just plans to continue his normal routine, but bring the baby along. I realize that my mentality is a bit skewed, but I don’t know how to change it.
I could see that Tareak was genuinely enjoying spending time with our niece. I could see that he was comfortable and relaxed around her. I asked myself if I genuinely had any enjoyment. Honestly, I can say that I genuinely felt good about fulfilling my responsibility and besides feeling anxious, felt good that I did a good job taking care of her. But do I get joy from babies? I can’t say that I do. I think the stress and anxiety overpower any joy that might be there. This makes me feel bad. This makes me feel guilty. I cried myself to sleep that night because I wish that I didn’t feel this way, but I have to be honest with myself.
So where does this leave us? Am I ready to have a baby? Unfortunately for Tareak, the answer is “No”. The good news is we are looking for a therapist to help us get these issues resolved so that we can start our family sooner rather than later.
Looking to the new year
Considering that tomorrow will usher in the beginning of a New Year, one must discard forgotten goals and prepare to succeed in the New Year. Top of my list is helping Leslie improve her ability to challenge her negative thoughts. She is improving a little at a time and so long as we are moving forward then we will be OK. I’m looking forward to progress this year as I’m hoping Leslie’s mental condition will improve sufficiently so we can start our family. It’s something that I truly look forward to however it’s something I want both of us to look forward to. With a little patience and some hard work we will get there.
Little Steps
Recently I put a white board in the hallway for Leslie. The purpose of this board is for us to write down negative thoughts that are taking place in Leslie’s brain. Leslie has to write down two positive thoughts to cancel out each negative thought. The other night Leslie’s negative thought was that she thought she was holding me back and was a burden to me. Talk about a screaming negative thought! Of course I told her that’s not true and wrote the thought on the board and told her she needed to come up with two positive thoughts. She kept telling me she couldn’t come up with any positive thoughts because she believed her negative though was true. I decided to help her a little and suggested that since we met and got married I have become more spiritually focused (we are very religious). At that point she didn’t want to participate in the exercise any more. I told her she had until the next day to come up with the second positive thought. The next day she offered some advice on our conversation. She told me that I needed to acknowledge that her feelings of being a burden had truth in it but that it was not all encompassing. I told her I agreed in that to some degree we are a burden to each other simply because we are not perfect. She then went on to say that a reason she is not a burden to me is because she makes me beautiful by plucking the hair from my checks. I was super excited about her participating in the deconstruction of her negative thought and I immediately wrote it on the board.
We have so much work to do and it’s nice to know that we are on our way. Way to go Leslie.
Depression Myths- Part 2
Here are the final 4 depression myths that I have encountered most often:
5- MYTH: You can choose to be happy if you wanted to- OR- You can will depression away. If you can’t, then you’re weak
This is like a slap in the face to someone with depression. Though our thoughts do create our lives, most people do not know HOW to stop their negative thoughts or know how to reverse the resulting physiological conditions. Suggesting to someone with depression that they can just choose to be happy ignores and invalidates their current reality. Since negative thoughts and emotions, over time, cause biochemical changes that disrupt the brain’s chemistry it’s not quite that simple to just choose happiness. Depression is not cured by willpower. It goes much deeper. Depression cannot be willed away any more than heart disease or diabetes can. It’s caused by chemical changes in the body, which cannot be overcome simply by positive thinking and grim determination.
-Leslie’s Comments: This is one of the myths that I’m most sensitive to. I don’t like the idea that uneducated people out there think I am weak or don’t want to be happy.
6-MYTH: People who think they have depression are just feeling sorry for themselves.
Depression affects about 19 million people annually in the U.S. alone. Some of the most prominent and well-known individuals who have suffered from a depressive disorder include Alexander the Great, Napoleon Bonaparte, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, George Patton, abolitionist John Brown, Robert E. Lee, Florence Nightingale, Sir Isaac Newton, Stephen Hawking, Charles Darwin, J.P. Morgan, Barbara Bush, Ludwig von Beethoven and Michelangelo. Not exactly people who just sit around feeling sorry for themselves.
-Leslie’s Comments: I can see how it would be easy to look at someone with depression as being lazy, self absorbed or just plain feeling sorry for themselves, but this simply isn’t the case. See my blog entry, “I’m not lazy, I’m depressed” for more of my thoughts on this myth.
7- MYTH: Talking about depression only makes it worse.
While it is easy to understand why someone might be worried about discussing their depression, being alone with your thoughts is even more harmful when facing this disorder. A lot of people with mental health problems are stigmatized in our society, so the best thing you can do to help a friend is be a good, supportive, and non-judgmental listener if they choose to talk with you. If you are hesitant to discuss difficulties you might be facing with a close family member or friend, think about other people in your life, like spiritual leaders or faculty members who would be willing to discuss your struggles. If at any point, you feel so overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and hopelessness that you are considering hurting yourself, call 1-800-273-TALK for help.
-Leslie’s Comments: I’ve always maintained the attitude that honesty is the best policy. If you are depressed start out being honest with yourself and accepting the condition. Then work on feeling comfortable talking to others about your condition. Not only can you help others learn more about depression, it can be insightful to talk with people who’s minds aren’t in a depressed state.
8-Myth: Depression is not a real medical illness.
Clinical depression is a serious medical condition that affects not only an individual’s mood and thoughts, but also the individual’s body. Individuals coping with depression have a higher level of stress hormones present in their bodies, and the brain scans of depression patients show decreased activity in some areas of the brain. Depression is a real and serious condition. It is no different than diabetes or heart disease in its ability to impact someone’s life. It can have both emotional and physical symptoms and make life very difficult for those who have it. The medical community has acknowledged the seriousness of depression and recognizes it as a disease. While no one is completely certain what causes depression, we know that genetic and biological factors play a significant role in development of this disease.
-Leslie’s Comments: Like most mental illnesses, it has taken people a long time to recognize such conditions as “medical”. I look at my depression, trichotillomania, and other mental illnesses the same way as I look at my severe allergies. You learn to live with the illnesses and treat the symptoms with medication or whatever methods work best for you.
Hopefully after reading these myths you are a little more educated and will be a little more understanding of those who suffer from depression.
Sources:
http://www.ldsmag.com/familyconnections/040524depression2.html
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/just-diagnosed-822-143.html