All Entries Tagged With: "paxil"

My Declaration of Dependence

I started taking Paxil just before I turned 19 years old.  The main reasons I started taking it was to help with my social anxiety, OCD, and also in hopes that it would help my trichotillomania (which it didn’t).  The doctor explained to me that since I was still young, the Paxil could help train my brain to think and process in a new way.  The hope was that after a few years I would be able to stop taking Paxil and my brain would have re-wired itself in such a way that I would no longer need it.  I tried a couple times to lower my dosage and wean off of Paxil, but each time I recognized the need my brain had for the drug.  It helped, and still helps control my obsessive thoughts.  I am now able to find the “Pause” button on my brain and allow myself to just stop obsessing about things.  Pre-Paxil, this wasn’t possible.  It also helps me think more rationally when I get anxious.  I accept that I may never be able to stop using Paxil and that is okay with me.

I have now been taking Wellbutrin for 2 months.  I am officially addicted to this drug and I love it!  A day hasn’t passed that I didn’t accomplish something that I could have never accomplished pre-Wellbutrin.  Earlier this week I slept late and was in a bit of a “blah” mood.  It took me back to the feeling that I experienced on a daily basis for the past few years.  I NEVER want to experience that feeling regularly EVER again.  I found myself in complete  amazement that I put up with that feeling for so long and never did anything about it.  Such is the trouble with depression- you know what needs to be done, but you just can’t do it no matter how much you want to change.

Tareak has finally learned how to keep up with me and my new found motivation and energy.   We are both more productive than we have ever been throughout our marriage.  It has been great for both of us to get to know this new side of each other.  I officially declare my dependence on both Paxil and Wellbutrin- and I am not ashamed.

Medication Update

Throughout the year of 2009 I took several different vitamins and supplements.  I began taking many of them during Spring, when the sun was coming out more often.  Because of the timing I was never sure if it was the sun or the medications that were making me feel better.

I was taking the following daily to help with depression:

Vitamin C- 1000 mg
Vitamin D- 1000 iu
Fish Oil- 2000 mg

The sun has now hidden itself away until next year, and so I hesitantly decided to do an experiment.  I am still taking 15mg daily of Paxil, but as of 3 weeks ago I have stopped taking everything else.  Tareak and I haven’t noticed any changes in mood or behavior.  As much as I’d like to think they were helping, it seems as though they weren’t doing much.

About three months ago I started taking 2000 mg daily of N-acetylcysteine, for trichotillomania.  Unfortunately I didn’t notice any changes or improvements in my trichotillomania.  I was very hopeful that it would be the breakthrough I needed, but considering there is no cure for trichotillomania to date, I’m not surprised that it didn’t help.

I plan to start seeing a counselor early next year and may try switching to or adding Wellbutrin.  My depression is currently under control, but I still feel like I am just “surviving”, and not really living.

Despair or not to despair

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me.  I have been working long hours and I often wonder what Leslie is doing with her time. She has a routine that doesn’t really involve anything too challenging and I think sometimes I’m way too easy on her.  I allow her to figure herself out on her own terms.  This technique has obviously failed and my world is falling apart.

My little plan was simple, we get married, Leslie weans herself of Paxil over the course of a year and we start our family.  Simple wright? Wrong. Two years later we are scrambling to try and figure out what we did wrong and how we should move forward with this family thing. I met Leslie when she was 22 and I was 27. Time is moving away from us and I’m a little anxious to be a dad, I’m not getting any younger.  Unfortunately this way of thinking puts a lot of pressure on Leslie which is a bad idea but that’s how I feel. What’s the solution?  Simple!  “Suck it up Tareak, because you know you can. Then dial in on a plan to help Leslie get healthy enough to start this family.” I want us to be excited not just me so its important for me to control my feelings and stick to an action plan that is different than the one we had over the last few years.  The biggest ingredient in this plan is patience and that will definitely be difficult for me.

We just have our second anniversary and overall I have loved the past 2 years.  Leslie has taught me a lot about myself and challenged me in so many ways, but most of all when I look in the mirror I see someone who has become a better man through being with her and having her influence my life.  I can only imagine the greater effect she will have on me when she learns to manage her depression and other issues better.

Sacrifice of Sanity

Tareak is a great help and support to me in trying to overcome my depression, but sometime I feel like he doesn’t have any idea what I’m sacrificing.  I was on Paxil for 7 years before I attempted to lower my dose.  The 30 mg I was on helped me lead a relatively normal life.  Currently I am on 15mg and I would say that I am simply surviving.

Our family dynamic is a little different than most.  In our case, Tareak is the one that is anxious to have children instead of me.  Were he not so anxious, I wouldn’t have ever lowered my Paxil dosage.  I don’t see anything wrong with staying on medication for the rest of my life, but getting Tareak to even take asprin for a headache is like pulling teeth.  Because he is anti-medication he would like to see me get off Paxil as quickly as possible.

Since lowering my dosage I have basically given up a year of my life.  During the past year I have simply been surviving, not living.  I have sacrificed the joy that I used to find in even the smallest of things.  I have sacrificed my sanity, the ability to feel like I am in control of myself and my emotions.  It is hard to feel like I can take care of myself and even harder to imagine taking care of an infant in my current state.

I know it is hard, if not impossible for Tareak to understand what it is like to not have control of your sanity.  I hope he never has to experience this feeling.  I would never willingly give up this feeling unless it was for someone I loved.  Even if Tareak can’t understand the feeling, I hope he can understand what my sacrifice means about my love for him.