All Entries Tagged With: "sleep"

Responsibility- Blessing or Curse?

I thrive on responsibility.  Responsibility can also be my greatest hindrance.  I am somewhat of a perfectionist that has very high expectations of myself and of others.  I partially blame this on my personality (perfectionism is an OCD trait), and I partially blame this on my parents for drilling into my head that as the oldest child it is my responsibility to set a good example for my younger siblings.  (Sorry Mom and Dad- you knew deep down that I couldn’t have a whole blog devoted to my mental state and not blame you for anything!)  =)

If I commit to do something (which I try to avoid at all costs), I won’t let you down.  I take my commitments and responsibilities seriously.  I have accepted the challenge of teaching the 4 and 5 year old children at church every Sunday.  Most days I get out of bed anywhere between noon and 6pm.  Church is at 9am.  It takes all my energy to get out of bed on Sunday’s, but I can’t handle the idea of not fulfilling my responsibility and the guilt that would come along with that, and so I get up.

My dog has adjusted to my strange sleep habits and now sleeps most of the day.  But when she is ready for me to get up, she lets me know.  She sits next to the bed and cries, not loud cries, just little whimpers.  I don’t think anyone with a heart could roll over and go back to sleep after hearing her wake up call.  So because I have committed to taking care of my dog, I roll out of bed reluctantly and start my day.

The above are examples of ways that responsibility actually motivates me to do things I would otherwise not consider.  A few months ago I thought it would be a good idea for me to get a part time job in order to simply get me out of bed and out of the house each day.  After a few weeks I saw the perfect job for me advertised on Craigslist.  It was from Noon-5pm Tues-Fri.  It was an office job at a local Psychiatry office where they use therapy dogs as part of their counseling sessions.  I was excited and motivated to get this job.  Driving to the interview I felt a sense of freedom and independence that only comes with earning your own money.  I aced the interview and we set up a time for a second and final interview with the main therapist.  As I was talking to Tareak about the job the fear started creeping in.  “What if I don’t get up on time for work?”, “What if I can’t motivate myself enough to get up and go to work?”.  I called the next morning and cancelled my second interview.  The idea of failing to meet my responsibilities due to any bouts with depression and letting people down was too much for me to handle.

Tareak has seen both the positive and negative effects responsibility can have on me.  Unfortunately he has seen more instances of my fear of failure and this has caused him to be hesitant in asking me to do much of anything.  It has also made him hesitant to do things he would like to do for fear of leaving me behind because I can’t keep up.  This week we were discussing this and he decided that he needs to keep trekking up that mountain of life and quit waiting for me and quit trying to carry me on his back.  This concept was hard for him because he doesn’t like the idea of leaving me behind.  But what he is still understanding is that since I don’t want to be left behind, I am going to have to take more responsibility for myself and get myself up the mountain on my own.

So is responsiblity a blessing or a curse?  It can definitely be both, but I would like to get to the point where it is more of a blessing and helps me to conquer life, rather than make me afraid to fail.

Hawaiian Sun, A Natural Remedy

A few weeks back I got an email about a business conference in where I went to college in Hawaii.  I told Leslie about it and she of course suggested we attend.  (What a great excuse.) The funny thing is a few days before that I had unknowingly scheduled my week vacation during the time of the conference.  Coincidence, I think not, more like Divine intervention if you ask me.  I was meant to come to Hawaii and participate in the conference and bring my lovely wife along.  Leslie has been begging to come back to Hawaii since we got married.  She often feels like this place has natural healing properties.

I left work at 4:00 am Monday morning to help Leslie get the last minute things ready for our trip.  It’s raining outside and she is excited to escape it’s dreary embrace.  At 7:00 am my mother-in-law drives up in the van with Leslie’s little sister who is coming with us.  My older brother, who is visiting, and I load the bags and off we go.  At the airport Mum (Australian spelling)-in-law gives everybody a hug and leaves. We get our bags checked in and Leslie asks me were is my laptop bag with all my business stuff. In my mind a flashing sign pops up with the words “You idiot” “Moron” “How could you forget the most important item?”.  Then the thought came to me that I hadn’t slept since 12:30 pm the previous day, that is 20+ hours without sleep.  (Not a good reason if you ask Leslie, but still a reason to me.)  Leslie’s mum didn’t have her cell phone with her, so we called her dad and woke him up to help us locate her.  To sum up the story we got a hold of her and and she came back to the airport. My older brother, Leslie’s little sister and I went through the security checks and on to the boarding area of our flight as we were listening to the a person page final boarding call for passengers traveling to Hawaii.  As the last passengers were boarding I got real nervous thinking Leslie’s wasn’t going to make it and I would have to fake a heart attack or something to stall the gates from closing.  Just as I was planning my theatrical performance I saw Leslie walking at top speed towards me. I took a deep breath, smiled and boarded the plan.

We haven’t really discussed it yet, but I felt quite a bit of anxiety building in me because of this forgetful mishap and I can only imagine what was going through Leslie’s mind.  One thing I do know is that since we landed in Hawaii and got settled into the place we are staying she has had an enormous smile on her face. Who needs antidepressant when you live in Hawaii.  We have only been here one day and she wants to move back here. Not a bad idea!  I will have to give it some thought, especially if it makes her naturally happier.

SAD- Seasonal Affective Disorder

Not only am I lucky enough to have depression, I have SAD as well.

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder (click here for the Mayo-Clinic definition).  Basically what this means for me is my depression worsens during the gloomy winter months.  Washington state had an unusually dry September, and I had almost forgotten what was coming.  Then October 1st hit, and the rain began.  It hasn’t stopped raining (on and off) for the last 5 days.  I realize that there are many places suffering from drought and they would be more than glad to have this rain, but I CAN’T STAND IT!!!  The other night before going to bed Tareak and I were praying, and he thanked God for the rain.  I could feel the anger and annoyance building as he continued saying how beautiful it makes the earth.  I hate it when people pray for rain.  I could understand the need if you lived in Arizona or some desert-like place, but Washington?!?!  Seriously, there is enough rain here.

I went to college in Hawaii.  Growing up in Washington I had always said that I wouldn’t mind the rain so much if it was just warm rain.  Well, they have warm rain in Hawaii and it isn’t any better.  I decided that I wasn’t going to leave the house if it was raining that day.  Let’s just say I missed a lot of class in the winter months.  I still have a hard time leaving the house if it is raining.

I have been feeling especially tired this week.  I was getting my usual amount of sleep and couldn’t figure out the problem.  It wasn’t until today that I realized it was the SAD getting to me.  Mayo-Clinic says, “With seasonal affective disorder, fall’s short days and long nights may trigger feelings of depression, lethargy, fatigue and other problems.”  When it is all rainy and cold outside, all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.  One of the ways to treat SAD (and also Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which I also suffer from), is with light therapy.  I have a light that I’m supposed to sit in front of for 20 minutes each day.  The light produced is similar to sunlight and it helps to regulate sleep patterns and also help the effects of SAD.  I have no doubt that this light would help me feel better in the gloomy winter months, but there is just one problem;  I don’t want to feel good about the rain!  By not feeling down and out when it is gross outside, it is like I am accepting it.  There is a part of me that wants to wallow in misery because the weather makes me do so.  I’m sure after reading this blog, Tareak is going to start sitting me in front of my light, but I’ll show him!  I’ll just close my eyes really tight so I can still feel miserable about the rain.

Dog Therapy

I have a dog. She is a 2 year old, one-eared rat terrier named Kaya.

Shortly after we were married in February of 2007 we realized that I was again suffering from depression. I am a huge dog-lover, and hadn’t had a dog since 2001 when my dog Cheyenne passed away. Tareak grew up in a house where animals weren’t allowed in the house, and told me I could have a dog if it lived outside. Now, I’m not a huge outdoors person, and so the idea of having to go outside to see my dog was not appealing. Every day when he’d go to work I’d jump on Craigslist and look for the perfect dog in hopes I’d convince him of wanting an indoor dog. One night I came across an ad for a one-eared rat terrier and the pictures just made me laugh. I had never seen a one-eared dog before. By the time Tareak warmed up to the idea of a one-eared dog, the post on Craigslist was gone. A week later it was re-posted and Kaya came into our lives. The main Tareak agreed to getting a dog was because he felt bad that he worked a lot and I was home by myself.

Kaya has been a great source of therapy for me. One of the major symptoms of depression that I suffer from is excessive sleeping. I have an extremely hard time motivating myself to get out of bed in the morning. I can just never think of anything important enough, or exciting enough to make me want to get out of a warm comfortable bed. This is where Kaya comes in. Kaya has a bed next to ours and she is pretty good about sleeping when I sleep, but unfortunately for depressed me, she can’t sleep as long as I can. There is just something about a one-eared 15 lb dog that looks so helpless. At least 75% of the time she is the reason I get up in the morning. I figure she is lonely or needs more food and I just feel bad. It is a shame that I can’t be motivated enough to get up on my own, but hopefully one day I’ll get to that point.

Rat terriers, especially young ones like Kaya, have a lot of energy. It is usually recommended that people get a dog that is a few steps under you on the “energy scale”. Well, Kaya’s energy is definitely more comparable with Tareak’s than with mine. This means that she needs a lot of exercise. We have a yard and a doggie door so she can go outside and chase squirrels and cats whenever she wants. It is easy for me to think that this is enough exercise for her. Unfortunately for depressed me, she needs to go on walks as well. I enjoy going for walks, but with my depressed brain it is easy to forget that I enjoy going for walks and just focus on all the reasons why I don’t want to go. “It is too cold outside”, “It is too hot outside”, “Putting on my shoes takes too much effort”, “I don’t feel like putting a bra on today”, the list goes on and on. Since Washington state is rainy much of the time, we decided to buy a treadmill. We had seen “The Dog Whisperer” use one for his dogs, so we decided to give it a try. Now you’d think that after exhausting my excuses for not taking Kaya on a walk outside that I’d at least be able to put her on the treadmill, well you thought wrong. Most days it seems too exhausting and like a HUGE task to put her on the treadmill for 1/2 hour. She loves the treadmill. She gets treats while she walks on the treadmill, but I have to sit next to the treadmill on the hard floor and give her the treats while she walks. Some days even that can seem like too much for me. But then she goes and stands on the treadmill and waits for me to turn it on, and I just can’t deny her. Something so small would not even register on most people’s list of things they accomplished that day, but putting her on the treadmill is huge for me. Some days this is the only thing I accomplish.

Research shows that just petting your dog releases feel good hormones. A 2004 article on MSNBC states:

“Now there’s new research from the University of Missouri-Columbia suggesting the hormonal changes that occur when humans and dogs interact could help people cope with depression and certain stress-related disorders. Preliminary results from a study show that a few minutes of stroking our pet dog prompts a release of a number of “feel good” hormones in humans, including serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin.”

So when all else fails, and the puppy eyes can’t get me out of bed in the morning, or get me to take Kaya on a walk, at least I know I’m still getting therapy from just giving her a good scratch on the belly.