All Entries Tagged With: "struggle"

I Moved Across the Country, and I’m Not Doing Well

I’m not doing very well.
I thought I had mentally prepared for the move, and that part of it I was prepared for. I feel like I’ve coped and adjusted pretty well. I can survive living out of suitcases and boxes. In both Hawaii and Guatemala I had to live pretty minimalistically and I did just fine. In fact I’ve lived in a rather un-settled state for about 9 of the last 11 years. I can survive in unfamiliar territory with new customs, new surroundings, etc… There is one thing however that I didn’t anticipate. Loneliness.
I have always enjoyed being by myself and not being caught up in an active social life that consumes me. For this reason I thought I would be fine. I overlooked a couple of key facts. Once I left home and moved to Hawaii I had roommates. About 90% of the time I was home, there was always someone else there as well. I enjoyed the moments I had the house to myself and would clean and bake and just unwind. In 2005 I moved back home and lived with my family. Again, there were always people around.
In 2007 I got married. Tareak started a new job and was working LONG hours. It was the first time in my life I was alone. You’d think that by getting married you wouldn’t feel so lonely, but I felt lonelier than ever because he was working 12+ hours/day. He recognized I wasn’t doing well and got me my saving grace, Kaya. He swore he would never have a dog, at least not an inside dog, but seeing my need he put aside his concerns and got me a companion to be by my side (literally) while he was away. Over time his work schedule changed and instead of working such long hours, he worked crazy hours. He worked nights for a couple years and then worked weekends after that. Although the hours were anything but normal, they allowed him to spend a lot more time at home. We both enjoyed the time and could at least temporarily deal with the strange hours.
In 2010 we decided it was time for Tareak to pursue a different career and also that it was time to move. We packed up our things, sold our house and moved in with my parents for what was supposed to be a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks turned into a couple of months and 8 months later we were on our way to Atlanta. While staying with my parents Tareak was working on a special project at work. Many weeks the project required him to work 60+ hours/week, but most weeks required less than 20 hours. I loved the extra time I had with him.
Tareak has become my best friend, actually, my only friend. My many mental illnesses have caused me to withdraw from everyone, but he was always there, whether I liked it or not. When he works long hours I don’t do well alone. I sulk. I cry. I get angry with his company. I feel sorry for myself. I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself. Again, it is my dogs that keep me going. In the last 2 1/2 weeks that I’ve been in Atlanta I would not have gotten out of bed had it not been for my dogs. I hear them next to my bed whining because they are hungry or need to go outside. I feel guilty I’m not taking better care of them and know if I don’t get up to feed them, no one else is. They’ve become my sole purpose in life. But once their bellies are full and they have come back inside, then what? What is my purpose now?
Major life changes, whether for the good or bad, can be triggers for depression. When I got married and Tareak was working long hours, I tanked. It took several years and lots of learning to get me to a point where I felt mentally stable. Although this move to Atlanta was supposed to be a good thing, it has unfortunately thrust me back down even farther than I was before. I know I need a purpose other than feeding my dogs. I’ve thought about getting a part time job, but the idea scares me so much. Can I commit myself to being there for someone every day, no matter how I’m feeling? How long can I force myself to be responsible and reliable before I snap from the pressure?
It is obvious that adjusting to these new life changes is going to be an up-hill battle.

“Damned if you don’t”

“What must I do to be damned?  Nothing.  That’s all.  You’re damned–condemned–
if you just sit still.  That is the law of this physical world.

“If you sit still long enough, you’ll never get up again. 
If you never lift your arm, you’ll soon be unable to raise it at all.
  If you remain in darkness and never use your eyes, you’ll soon become blind.

“It is the law in the mental world,  if you never exercise your brain– never read, 
study, nor talk to anyone, never permit anyone to talk to you, 
your mind will become blank– maybe you’ll become insane.

“The most horrible punishment that could be inflicted upon 
you is not twenty years of hard labor, but twenty years of solitary confinement.

“It’s the law in the spiritual world, simply shut your heart to all truth, 
and after a while you won’t be able to believe anything–
that is the severest penalty for not accepting the truth.

“The process of disintegration and death begins when a man 
shuts himself out from the forces that make for life.

“The body and mind and spirit are kept alive through constant constructive use.”

~Charles Steizle~

(Utah Labor News, December 12th, 1937)

I came across this quote today and it reminded me of depression.  When in a depressed state you can’t do anything physical, mental or spiritual- you don’t even want to do anything.  This beast of complete and all consuming inactivity takes over your life and there is only one way to escape, or at least begin to pry yourself free… and that is to do something, anything!

You don’t want to get out of bed.   You want to be able to sleep and escape it all by just lying there and doing NOTHING, but by forcing yourself to get out of bed (which wouldn’t be considered an accomplishment by most) you feel a twinge of hope, hope that maybe today will be a good day.

I’ve learned that as long as I do ONE thing each day (some days it is as simple as taking a shower or playing with the dogs and other days I can manage to actually leave the house or do a load of laundry) I am able to stay somewhat sane.  If I feel good after doing one thing that day, then I can decide if I’d like to do another, but if I don’t want to, that is OK.  I’ve given myself permission to only do ONE thing each day, and anything else is a bonus.

I get overwhelmed so easily and this is why I have a hard time seeing myself as a mother one day.  Right now it is okay if my “one thing” is to get in the shower.  If I have a kid I’ll need to feed, bathe, dress, and play with them until I can escape while they take a nap.  This is a whole lot more than “one thing”.  This is why it was so hard for me to work and go to school.  Work was one thing and school was another  and some days I could only manage to do one of them, and some days none because I was so overwhelmed I had to “check out” of life.

So like Mr. Charles Steizle said, I’ll just keep on doing at least one thing every day so that I won’t be “damned” to the hell that is depression.

Puppy Tears

My plans for getting back on track with blogging were disrupted by this cute puppy.  Tareak and I decided we wanted Kaya to have a friend and thought a puppy would be fun for all of us.  Neither Tareak or I have ever had a puppy before, so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  Jacy is an 8 week old rat terrier and when she is full grown will be the same size as Kaya.

Having a puppy is harder than I anticipated.  In the last week I haven’t slept for more than 4 solid hours at a time.  My body is tired.  My brain is tired.  My sister asked me if having a puppy made me more or less excited to have a baby.  My answer was definitely LESS excited!  I think I am more of an older child/older dog type person.  I don’t mind adopting dogs from the shelter that have been locked in a basement their whole life and only have one ear.  It gives them character.  Many people don’t like the idea of adopting older children because they are “damaged”.  I think this is what draws me to them in a way.  I feel like I can identify with some of the mental struggles they must be going through and I want to help.

We have had Kaya for almost 2 years.  She is a permanent part of our lives and family.  We had a rhythm and a routine that everyone followed.  When we adopted Jacy this whole routine and rhythm was disrupted.  Kaya was very jealous of our newest addition.  If I was holding Jacy, Kaya wouldn’t come and sit with me.  My heart was aching because I felt so bad for Kaya.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was being replaced or had to compete for my attention.  She was mad at me, and I could feel it.

The other night Tareak and I were watching a movie and Jacy was sitting on one couch with me, and Kaya was on the other.  I wanted Kaya to like me again, so I put Jacy on the other couch with Tareak hoping that Kaya would come and sit with me.  She didn’t.  I waited and waited.  The movie was over and she still wouldn’t sit with me.  I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t.  I wanted my old life back.  I didn’t want a puppy any more.  I resented her for ruining everything.  I wanted Kaya to like me again.  I wanted to SLEEP!

Kaya must have known something was wrong because the next morning she was back to her old self.  She has taken Jacy under her wing and allows Jacy to bite her ear stub, jump on her while she is sleeping, and everything else that comes along with being an older sister.  She will sit with me when I am holding Jacy and I know she isn’t mad at me anymore.  I still haven’t had any good sleep, but things are definitely looking up.

This whole experience has really made me reflect on having children.  At least I wanted a puppy, and so the struggle and disruption is something I can accept.  What will happen if I have a baby that is even more disruptive than a puppy?  Will I resent the baby too?  What will happen if I adopt older children that will also disrupt and turn my life upside down?  Will I cope with that any better?  So many questions, but still no answers.

I will try to keep blogging as I find a new routine and rhythm in life and hope there will be no more puppy tears.

Goodbye 2008, and Good Riddance

2008 is one year I am not sad to see end.  It seems to have been one struggle after another and I could definitely use a break.

I feel bad saying that 2008 was a completely awful year, mostly for the sake of my husband Tareak.  Tareak works so hard.  Not only does he work hard by going to his full time job to provide an income and roof over our head, but he works overtime trying to always do things to make me happy.  I was telling my sisters about the “sing-along” Tareak and I had the other night.  This basically consists of Tareak attempting to sing along with the songs on the ipod even though he doesn’t know the lyrics.  Theses “sing-alongs” include him performing dances to go along with the songs and even immitations of the singers voices.  As this is somewhat of a regular occurance at our house I didn’t think it was that strange, but my sisters reacted asking, “Are you serious?”.  If Tareak thinks it will make me smile, he will do whatever it takes, no matter how silly or outrageous.  I appreciate the efforts he makes to cheer me up so much and I feel ungrateful by saying that 2008 was an awful year because he worked so hard on so many different levels to take care of me and my needs.

2008 was a hard year.  I think it was not only a hard year for me, but I think Tareak struggled a lot as well.  Depression does not just affect the individual suffering from depression, it affects everyone close to them as well.  I have to work very hard to remember to show him that I love him.  A while back I gave Tareak a hug and told him that I loved him and he replied saying, “Do you really love me?  Because you don’t act like it very much.”  That response was a big wake up call for me.  I forget that I need to make sure that he feels loved and appreciated even when it doesn’t come naturally to me in my current state of mind.

I’m not one to make New Year’s Resolutions.  No one ever keeps them anyway.  But in 2009 I would like to make sure that Tareak feels more loved and appreciated.  He works hard to make sure that I am taken care of and the least I can do is to make sure that he knows I appreciate it, because I obviously haven’t been doing a very good job.  So goodbye 2008, and good riddance!