All Entries Tagged With: "struggle"
Dear Future Children,
Dear Future Children,
One day you are going to read entries from this blog, or talk to someone who once did. At this time you will discover the major internal struggle that I went through in order to get to the point I felt okay about giving birth to you. There is a possibility that at this time you will perhaps feel unwanted or unloved. I hope this isn’t the case. I hope that I am able to make sure you always feel loved and wanted.
The reason I am having such an internal struggle at this time is because I already love you. I want the best for you. I want you to lead a long and happy life. I want you to grow up in an environment that will nurture you and that you will feel safe and loved. I want to protect you from anything that could hurt you or make your life more difficult. Because you will be inheriting many of my genetics, I know there is a strong possibility you too will suffer from depression, anxiety, ocd, trichotillomania or a number of the other medical conditions I have. This idea doesn’t bother me. I know that because you will be born into a family with parents and grandparents who understand these issues, you will learn how to deal with them and live a fairly normal life that could potentially even be medication-free. But if you have to take medications, know that no one in your family will judge you or think less of you for this choice. I’m not having an internal struggle because I know there is a high chance you will suffer from many of my same ailments, I’m having an internal struggle because I worry about my ability to care for you and be the best mother possible in my current mental state.
I know that no one is ever prepared to be a mother. I know I will never feel ready. In my current mental state I don’t feel comfortable bringing you into the world for several reasons. At this time I am taking Paxil. Babies who are born while their mother is on Paxil have a higher chance of having birth defects. No mother wants their child to suffer any more than they need to. Because I already know you will likely suffer from many things I will pass onto you, I don’t like the idea of potentially adding yet another thing to the list of things you will need to learn to live with. I need to get off Paxil before I can think about conceiving you. Also, babies scare me. I wish you could grow up faster so that we could talk and you could tell me what you want. When a baby just cries and can’t tell me what they want, I don’t know what to do. Non-baby lovers tell me that the first years (that causes me to cringe just thinking about it ) are all worth it, but that doesn’t take the fear away. I don’t want to be afraid to have you. I want to feel excited. I am working on feeling this way and have spent a lot of time on my knees asking for help from our Heavenly Father. I need to be excited before I can think about conceiving you.
Basically what I am trying to say is that I hope you know that all of my fear and reservations are coming from the love that I already have for you. Please don’t ever feel that you were unwanted. If I didn’t want you I would not be actively trying so hard to get my conditions managed. I love you and look forward to meeting you soon.
Your Mom,
Leslie
Depression Myths- Part 2
Here are the final 4 depression myths that I have encountered most often:
5- MYTH: You can choose to be happy if you wanted to- OR- You can will depression away. If you can’t, then you’re weak
This is like a slap in the face to someone with depression. Though our thoughts do create our lives, most people do not know HOW to stop their negative thoughts or know how to reverse the resulting physiological conditions. Suggesting to someone with depression that they can just choose to be happy ignores and invalidates their current reality. Since negative thoughts and emotions, over time, cause biochemical changes that disrupt the brain’s chemistry it’s not quite that simple to just choose happiness. Depression is not cured by willpower. It goes much deeper. Depression cannot be willed away any more than heart disease or diabetes can. It’s caused by chemical changes in the body, which cannot be overcome simply by positive thinking and grim determination.
-Leslie’s Comments: This is one of the myths that I’m most sensitive to. I don’t like the idea that uneducated people out there think I am weak or don’t want to be happy.
6-MYTH: People who think they have depression are just feeling sorry for themselves.
Depression affects about 19 million people annually in the U.S. alone. Some of the most prominent and well-known individuals who have suffered from a depressive disorder include Alexander the Great, Napoleon Bonaparte, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, George Patton, abolitionist John Brown, Robert E. Lee, Florence Nightingale, Sir Isaac Newton, Stephen Hawking, Charles Darwin, J.P. Morgan, Barbara Bush, Ludwig von Beethoven and Michelangelo. Not exactly people who just sit around feeling sorry for themselves.
-Leslie’s Comments: I can see how it would be easy to look at someone with depression as being lazy, self absorbed or just plain feeling sorry for themselves, but this simply isn’t the case. See my blog entry, “I’m not lazy, I’m depressed” for more of my thoughts on this myth.
7- MYTH: Talking about depression only makes it worse.
While it is easy to understand why someone might be worried about discussing their depression, being alone with your thoughts is even more harmful when facing this disorder. A lot of people with mental health problems are stigmatized in our society, so the best thing you can do to help a friend is be a good, supportive, and non-judgmental listener if they choose to talk with you. If you are hesitant to discuss difficulties you might be facing with a close family member or friend, think about other people in your life, like spiritual leaders or faculty members who would be willing to discuss your struggles. If at any point, you feel so overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and hopelessness that you are considering hurting yourself, call 1-800-273-TALK for help.
-Leslie’s Comments: I’ve always maintained the attitude that honesty is the best policy. If you are depressed start out being honest with yourself and accepting the condition. Then work on feeling comfortable talking to others about your condition. Not only can you help others learn more about depression, it can be insightful to talk with people who’s minds aren’t in a depressed state.
8-Myth: Depression is not a real medical illness.
Clinical depression is a serious medical condition that affects not only an individual’s mood and thoughts, but also the individual’s body. Individuals coping with depression have a higher level of stress hormones present in their bodies, and the brain scans of depression patients show decreased activity in some areas of the brain. Depression is a real and serious condition. It is no different than diabetes or heart disease in its ability to impact someone’s life. It can have both emotional and physical symptoms and make life very difficult for those who have it. The medical community has acknowledged the seriousness of depression and recognizes it as a disease. While no one is completely certain what causes depression, we know that genetic and biological factors play a significant role in development of this disease.
-Leslie’s Comments: Like most mental illnesses, it has taken people a long time to recognize such conditions as “medical”. I look at my depression, trichotillomania, and other mental illnesses the same way as I look at my severe allergies. You learn to live with the illnesses and treat the symptoms with medication or whatever methods work best for you.
Hopefully after reading these myths you are a little more educated and will be a little more understanding of those who suffer from depression.
Sources:
http://www.ldsmag.com/familyconnections/040524depression2.html
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/just-diagnosed-822-143.html
For Someone You Love
Leslie and I have almost been married for 2 years and it’s truly been a roller coaster ride. We have been together since 2005 and since the beginning she has always told me she was crazy and had all these issues. I would tell her she wasn’t crazy but interesting and in every sense of the word an individual. She had her own way and it didn’t bother me at all. She would try to explain some of her conditions but I really had know idea how they made her feel because I didn’t suffer from any of them. She was just Mellow-Leslie to me, someone who was readily and easily entertained. For the most part I didn’t really think much of her conditions and I continued that pattern of thought into our marriage. It really hit me that I had no clue what she was going through when it really affected my master plan for having a family. If you’ve read baby breakdown then you know how big of a struggle having children will be for us. I will admit that before I started to truly understand Leslie’s depression I was frustrated with her more often than not because I just wanted her to snap out of it so we could start our family. I have come to realize that I was doing more harm then good. Not having gone through the deep emotion of depression has made it difficult for me to truly understand, however, as I read and discuss it with Leslie I feel more confident than ever that we can overcome it together. Just last night I was talking to Leslie about challenging her negative thoughts one at a time. We both know it wont be easy but I have seen a few glimpse of a depression free Leslie and I love it. Leslie my not have the confidence to have children at this time but I know we will get there and in the meantime we will continue to work on controlling her thoughts just one at a time.
I’m not the most paitent person in the world, but as I work with Leslie I have disovered a side of me I didn’t know existed. A little more compassion, a little more understanding a whole lot of patience and a quiet resolve to conquor the depression beast within my wife are the things I’m learning. I accept the responsibility of helping Leslie overcome her disorders so she can expirence the great joy of life in its fullness. It will take a great effort on my behalf but I believe I’m ready now and beside wouldn’t you do the same for someone you love?