All Entries Tagged With: "Trichotillomania"
Dear Future Children,
Dear Future Children,
One day you are going to read entries from this blog, or talk to someone who once did. At this time you will discover the major internal struggle that I went through in order to get to the point I felt okay about giving birth to you. There is a possibility that at this time you will perhaps feel unwanted or unloved. I hope this isn’t the case. I hope that I am able to make sure you always feel loved and wanted.
The reason I am having such an internal struggle at this time is because I already love you. I want the best for you. I want you to lead a long and happy life. I want you to grow up in an environment that will nurture you and that you will feel safe and loved. I want to protect you from anything that could hurt you or make your life more difficult. Because you will be inheriting many of my genetics, I know there is a strong possibility you too will suffer from depression, anxiety, ocd, trichotillomania or a number of the other medical conditions I have. This idea doesn’t bother me. I know that because you will be born into a family with parents and grandparents who understand these issues, you will learn how to deal with them and live a fairly normal life that could potentially even be medication-free. But if you have to take medications, know that no one in your family will judge you or think less of you for this choice. I’m not having an internal struggle because I know there is a high chance you will suffer from many of my same ailments, I’m having an internal struggle because I worry about my ability to care for you and be the best mother possible in my current mental state.
I know that no one is ever prepared to be a mother. I know I will never feel ready. In my current mental state I don’t feel comfortable bringing you into the world for several reasons. At this time I am taking Paxil. Babies who are born while their mother is on Paxil have a higher chance of having birth defects. No mother wants their child to suffer any more than they need to. Because I already know you will likely suffer from many things I will pass onto you, I don’t like the idea of potentially adding yet another thing to the list of things you will need to learn to live with. I need to get off Paxil before I can think about conceiving you. Also, babies scare me. I wish you could grow up faster so that we could talk and you could tell me what you want. When a baby just cries and can’t tell me what they want, I don’t know what to do. Non-baby lovers tell me that the first years (that causes me to cringe just thinking about it ) are all worth it, but that doesn’t take the fear away. I don’t want to be afraid to have you. I want to feel excited. I am working on feeling this way and have spent a lot of time on my knees asking for help from our Heavenly Father. I need to be excited before I can think about conceiving you.
Basically what I am trying to say is that I hope you know that all of my fear and reservations are coming from the love that I already have for you. Please don’t ever feel that you were unwanted. If I didn’t want you I would not be actively trying so hard to get my conditions managed. I love you and look forward to meeting you soon.
Your Mom,
Leslie
Outside Looking In
In an earlier post I mentioned a “Breakthrough” my husband had in accepting my depression. I have been pleased to see he no longer blames himself for my depression or other conditions. As he has learned more about these conditions he talks to others about them frequently. For the most part I am okay with him discussing depression with others as I feel people are generally uneducated on the topic.
Even though my conditions are no fault of my own, I still feel embarrassed talking about them. Last night at a family dinner my sister said, “Leslie, I didn’t know you eat dirt! I feel so out of the loop, why didn’t anyone tell me.” I asked her where she heard that I eat dirt, and she pointed to her husband. I immediately knew that Tareak had been discussing my conditions again. For the most part my family is completely unaware of my conditions, and I just accept that they think I’m the “weird one.” It is easier to be the “weird one” than it is for me to openly discuss my issues. Tareak and I were engaged before I told him about my Trichotillomania. Another condition I told him about at that time was Pica. I have random cravings on occasion to eat paper and also dirt. In my extended family I am known as the “cousin who eats cardboard.” While I haven’t had a craving to eat dirt for many years, I guess this is something Tareak had the urge to tell my brother-in-law.
This dinner conversation made me feel very uncomfortable. It took me almost 2 years to be able to talk to Tareak about these conditions. Like I mentioned before, even though the conditions aren’t my fault I still feel a level of embarrassment and shame. Tareak has always been a very private person. He gets mad at me when I tell my sisters that he likes to watch Japanese cartoons. I am a big believer in being as open as possible with others because it leads to more understanding and less drawing of inaccuarate conclusions. That said, there are certain things like Trichotillomania and Pica that bring an increased level of discomfort and I try to avoid these topics at all costs. This blog is a tool to help me overcome this discomfort and accept myself and help others to accept me as well. I was surprised when Tareak was eager about the idea of me starting a blog. I asked him what topics were off-limits for discussion, and he was very supportive of me being free to blog about whatever I wanted. Again, this was very surprising.
As I’ve thought about why Tareak is so open with my conditions, I finally came to a conclusion. It is much easier to discuss sensitive topics when you aren’t the focus. I would have no problem blogging or discussing Tareak’s less than perfect past or all of his issues, but I am not allowed to discuss them on this blog. These things bring a level of discomfort to him. He doesn’t like the idea of people knowing that he isn’t perfect. I think we all want people to view us in the best light possible, but when we hide the things we are ashamed of it doesn’t allow us the opportunity to grow from our trials and it doesn’t give others the opportunity to get to know our true selves.
It is much easier to be on the outside looking in to someone elses life. How many of us spend hours each week looking at other people social networking pages, or reading blogs? But how many of us are willing to open up on our own blogs or social networking pages and show our true self, flaws and all? While it scares me to death to be so open and honest with the world, it also brings a deep level of peace and a sense of liberation. I’m not a slave to hiding my true self, I can just be me.
Ashamed of the Unobvious
When I was about 10 years old, I discovered that when some hairs are pulled out there is a clear membrane around the root. I was fascinated by this discovery and would pull out hairs for long periods of time trying to find “the cool ones”. This was the trigger that started my battle with Trichotillomania. Sometimes I can go for weeks at a time without feeling the urge to pull out hairs. But all it takes is one lapse and there is a bald patch that can take weeks to months to look normal again.
All through Middle School and High School my goal in life was to not ruin my Senior Pictures by having a huge bald spot somewhere obvious. Here is one of the pictures:
Most people looking at this picture wouldn’t see anything too out of the ordinary. All I notice when I look at any of these pictures is that my eyebrows are too thin as a result of too much uncontrolled plucking, and there is a thin spot of hair on my hairline from pulling out the hairs, but catching myself before it got too bad.
Showing people your Senior Pictures is always a big deal and event. I was so nervous to have anyone see the pictures because I was sure they were going to see what I was seeing and think I was some kind of freak (I didn’t take into account that these people saw me in the flesh on a regular basis and if they did notice anything different about my hair they would have thought something strange was going on long before seeing the pictures). I was genuinely surprised when no one made any comments. I felt like my secret might still be safe.
After having these pictures taken, I then decided I needed to focus of having good wedding pictures. Eight years later it was time to take these pictures. I had been doing good about not pulling too many hairs, but the hairs where my “widows peak” should be were still growing back from an episode about six months prior to the wedding. I wanted to wear my hair up for the wedding in hopes the spiky hairs would blend in to the mass on top of my head. My husband loves my long wavy hair and that it goes past my waist. He wanted me to wear it down for the wedding because he loves it so much. I obliged him.
Since most of the wedding pictures were taken face on, you don’t really notice anything strange about my hair, but my favorite wedding picture was taken from the side:
Like my Senior Pictures, most people wouldn’t notice anything different about this picture. I won’t enlarge this picture or hang it up because all I see when I look at this picture is this:
Again, even if anyone did notice this the last thing they would think is, “Oh, she must have plucked those hairs out one by one and they are just now growing back. Too bad it ruined her wedding pictures.” The point is that I notice. I know the real story behind the stray hairs that almost blend into the marble background, and I feel ashamed.
Crocheting keeps the hands busy
Leslie has identified the occasions when she is most likely to feel the urges of trichotillomania. The urges usually occur when she is reading (which she does a lot of) and when she is watching TV. I’m usually not around or have already gone to bed when she is doing these activities, and can’t monitor her or point out to her what’s happening. We decided to get her some of those rubber things people put on their fingers when they are sorting through papers. We got enough for all her fingers and this little trick works when she’s wearing them, however getting her to wear them is a challenge in and of itself. Recently Leslie started trying out a new technique for when she’s watching TV. Crochet. It keeps her hands busy and I think this technique is awesome. Time will tell if this new skill will help break the mental pull of Trichotillomania.
As bad as it sounds I love this disorder as benefits me so much. It like we have a symbiotic relationship except I don’t benefit her as much as she benefits me. I know the relationship is not yet equal but I’m working on it. More education and renewed vigilance on my part will hopefully help Leslie bring this disorder under control. I did get her to stop her life-long habit of biting her nails though, and she has been “clean” for the past 3 years. One disorder down and twenty or so to go.