Twenty-Nine

Today is my 29th birthday.  I’ve always loved birthdays- they are kinda a big deal to me.  I remember turning 10 and being freaked out about how old I was now that my age was in the “double digits”.  13- I was a teenager.  16- Being old enough to drive.  20- No longer being a teenager.  25- The scales tipping me closer to 30, than 20.  The next big birthday was supposed to be the big Three-Oh.

Turning 29 is having an unexpected effect on me.  I have this overwhelming sense of anxiety and urgency.  I feel like I’m so far behind  where a “normal” 29 year old should be.  The driving force is the fact that I don’t have any kids and am not pregnant.  Because Tareak wants children so badly I’ve felt like a ticking time bomb since the moment we got married.  Unfortunately for Tareak I have an expiration date.  I can’t take all the time I need to figure out my issues with having children.  I have a deadline, and that deadline is quickly approaching.

I lowered my dose of Paxil  last month to 10mg.  10mg of Paxil doesn’t really do much, I’ve just been trying to ween myself off.  I wish I could say that the decrease of dosage didn’t have any effect on me, but my trichotillomania has increased (Paxil is often prescribed to treat trichotillomania) and I have had several minor panic attacks.

I am to the point where if I look 30 years in the future I want to have children be a part of that future.  It is frustrating to not feel like I am capable of making that happen.  It is even more frustrating to celebrate a birthday, that in the birthday world shouldn’t be that big of a deal, and not feel like I have anything to celebrate.  It is only a reminder of how quickly time is slipping away and how far I am from where I want to be.